Young Writers Society

its really hard to give advice on your poems... i cant really explain why, its just
that they do something inside my head and it means i find it hard to improve...

i like this one a lot but i dont really understand all of it... e.g. inverse free-style harmony dont really get what that means...

also if you always knew then how do you miss it...? *confuzzled*

here is my favourite part:

and you’ve got your eyes tilted
just so they look right in front of your shadow

question for you... is this about jesus or was it an accident that it sounds like it is...?

we always knew
you would be the one to save us

walking down concrete slabs
reciting slam poetry in
inverse free-style harmony
and you’ve got your eyes tilted
just so they look right in front of your shadow

*This is a really sweet opening verse. It draws me in and makes me really like this chick*

you were the one who would
break wooden thoughts with
intellectual kung-fu – you were the one
who made us hold our breath

*sweet. I like her even more. Description is awesome. Intellectual kung-fu...I like that*

and we always knew
you would be one to save us
but we missed all the warnings and now your blood is on our hands.

*this is a really weak ending paragraph. Especially the last line. If I were you I'd revise this, and make it longe, and better...and just like, more powerful. It could be really powerful, even as short as is, if you would just fix the end.*

It isn't about a girl - it's a religious poem

oh. nm.

"and we always knew
you would be one to save us
but we missed all the warnings and now your blood is on our hands."

This was very strong, which was fitting for the last stanza, of course. I am generally the worst when it comes to ending poems, but you did a good job here...this was the one thing that really caught my eye. Everything was good, but not like the last stanza. If you ever come back and edit it (which I'm sure you probably will), don't touch the last stanza, and I'm speaking more of the first and the last line. The middle one is so-so...probably could use a little help.

I really don't have anything constructive to say about this, I just wanted to drop by and tell you how much I enjoyed it. I think you did a really terrific job.

It is really hard to give advice! It is just an array of utter ramblings that make sence! Gosh Brad..... Wow. It rings truth for our Savior can be Jackie Chan... (O_O)

I liked it!

Of course, my opinion about poetry is essentially meaningless, but I did like the descriptions drawn up about Jesus. It's not the usual stuff about Him being 2000 years old, which, in my opinon, is totally awesome.

I had to read it a few times to really feel the full impact of the words, because it moves rather quickly and I always read things too fast, but after that I really liked it.

you were the one who would
break wooden thoughts with
intellectual kung-fu

Great line, that's a really original thought, and you phrased it very well. It evokes some great mental images. All and all, I really loved this poem, because it's a very creative, original take on Christ (at least that's who I'm assuming its about...all the pieces fit) and what He did.

Props to you for breaking away from the cliche (something I am really bad at).