A moment (for you)

You didn't get help,
as I laid on the floor bleeding out.
We were both in pain,
but I was the only one bleeding.

I bled,
you cried.
You watched
while I died.

I looked in your eyes,
for a moment.
Just a moment.

I felt like I was stabbed in the back,
my vision was going black.
You looked in my eyes
for a moment- just a moment.

I bled,
you cried.
You watched,
while I died.

I bled....
You cried....
You watched....
I died.....

I looked in your eyes
for a moment
just a moment
before I said good-bye

Oh my, such potential I see!

Although, I think this should be posted in lyrics, just because of the repeated verse. That verse, by the way, is quite lovely in its simplicity. However, I do have a few small suggestions. This poem, overall, seems to be pretty 'tell-not-show', which we don't usually aim for. For example, the line where you say "yours was emotional, mine was physical," jars the reader out of the poem. You can express this with imagery.

This poem has a haunting dark and beautiful theme, actually a theme I've played with a little bit. Good job!

Hahaha, yes! This poem totally reminds me of a scene in FREAK, which I love, so I automatically liked the poem.

You didn't get help,
as I laid on the floor bleeding out. <--- bleeding out sounds weird...
We were both in pain,
yours was emotional mine was physical. <---- too wordy

I bled,
you cried.
You watched
while I died.

I looked in your eyes,
for a moment.
Just a moment.

I felt like I was stabbed in the back,
my vision was going black. <--- Too much rhyming.
You looked in my eyes
for a moment- just a moment. <-- I like this line.

I bled,
you cried.
You watched,
while I died.

I bled....
You cried....
You watched....
I died..... <--- this whole stanza seems a little bit too artsy to be any use to the poem.

I looked in your eyes
for a moment
just a moment
before I said good-bye <---- aww!

So yeah. That was totally a useless critique, but maybe it helped in some sense? It is a pretty neat poem, in any case. Anything that puts two characters in conflicting roles like that is neat.

And remember to rate your poems! Then they can show up on the front page and stuff. *grumbles and rates*

Yeah i like the simplicity of the poem, and the dark emotions around it which is intersting, through it does seem a little like lyrics because of the repition used in it and the line
yours was emotional mine was physical<-- maybe u could elaborate in it and show like an action or like how it hurt, esp the emtional one, because ur just telling rather than showing.

Thanks. I guess.

short and to the point. i really liked it.

sometimes i like to use my imagination when reading, instead of always being told what to see.

with few words, you put the emotion out there very strong.
but did you have to die? geez, wasnt expecting that line.

this was very good.

kim

I agree with xyberangel on how you could add more imagery to suggest that your pain was physical and the other person's was emotional.
But Snoink already pointed out what I noticed...so I have no more suggestions.

This was a very interesting poem. Usually I don't like to read poetry where people watch their friends die, but I did like this. It was dark and unique and, I don't know, I just liked it.

Keep writing,
Ayra (In a happy mood)

There is nothing subtle about this poem. As such, it seems especially emo.

"We were both in pain,/yours was emotional mine was physical"

This line seems too prosaic, too blatant. I don't think it adds anything.

I think you should get rid of all but one of the repeated stanzas. It has a nice rhythm the first time around, but by the third repetition, I get it. It's annoying and devalues what it says.

"I felt like I was stabbed in the back"

How many people have been stabbed in the back? How will they know what you're saying?

This poem is great a little depressing but Awesome!! Keep up the good work *<:)

Good-job!
I just think that you repeated your self.
But i like it!

Oo. I liked it a lot. I especially liked the repeated verse, as it was powerful in its simplicity. However, my favorite part was the final verse. Cause it was... um... cool.
:]
Nice work.

--Quippie.

Even though it was quite short and had little imagery I really liked it.
I think this would be better off as the lyrics to a song for some reason.
I liked the way you repeated that short verse, like you were getting angry.
Charlotte

wonderful... might I add that you are a beautiful poet?

reminds me of the song Ohio is for lovers but its writen better and without the screaming

wow....really full of emotion. one can really feel the intensity of it all. the little bit of ryming in there really added to the effect!
awesome poem!! loved it!