Young Writers Society

How many petitions
with underlying scars
and broken hearts must
you make before you
realize: there isn't a
point?

And how many times
will you hole picket
signs on the outside
of gray chain fences
until you see you aren't
making a difference?

And how much will you
change yourself for them
before you realize that
they aren't really your
friends, they never have
been?

Identity is hard to grasp
and once found, hard to cling
onto

But you don't need to
change to please me
The only think it takes
to please me is the one
thing you cannot give me:
yourself

Because the boy you once
were is hidden under layers and
layers of scars and defeat
they have buried him there
sentence him to death for what
make you you

But I live for the times
when, for a bried moment, my
face pushes away all of your
fears, and I hear him laugh and
see him in your eyes, and I know

You are still here

It was okay. It was fabulously awesome, but it was allright.

It wasn't**

Very good. The way it was said was easy to understand, and well put. But it was rather vernacular (I don't know if that's an adjective or a noun, but you get the picture). In my oppinion, it could use some more poetic phrasing. But, then again that might not be your style. But, overall, I liked it a lot.

I liked it, but you need to add some punctuation. But take out the colons. Replace them with something better. Actually, the second one's okay.

Also, there's a couple little things

Because the boy you once
were is hidden under layers and
layers of scars and defeat

Move "were" up to the next line, and just have one layers.

Because the boy you once were
is hidden under layers
of scars and defeat.

Also the one line "onto" isn't that great
Maybe you could write:

Identity is hard to grasp.
And once found,
Hard to cling onto.

Actually, I don't like one-word lines in general. Consider changing those.

Also I believe you meant "brief" when you typed "bried" in the last stanza. Actually, you could probably get rid of "brief" in that line.

And the last line could be more effective if you added the part after the comma to it. But I still loved that line.

I probably sound like a Simon now or something, but the truth is I love your poem. I just love nit-picking even more.

Wow! That was really great. It really touched me and made me think. Very, very, very nice!

How many petitions
with underlying scars
and broken hearts must
you make before you
realize: there isn't a
point?

And how many times
will you hole picket
signs on the outside
of gray chain fences
until you see you aren't
making a difference?

And how much will you
change yourself for them
before you realize that
they aren't really your
friends, they never have
been?

This was really good, but the linebreaks were a little strange though I don't know if that is how you wanted it. For instance:

you make you
realize: there isn't a point

I think that would be better if you said
You make you realize:
There isn't a point.

Besides the line breaks, those stanzas were really awesome.

Identity is hard to grasp
and once found, hard to cling
onto

But you don't need to
change to please me
The only think it takes
to please me is the one
thing you cannot give me:
yourself

Because the boy you once
were is hidden under layers and
layers of scars and defeat
they have buried him there
sentence him to death for what
make you you

Wow, those were really awesome. I especially the LOVEd the second stanza. Beautiful. Again, linebreaks made it a little weird, but they didn't bother me as much as in the first part.

But I live for the times
when, for a bried moment, my
face pushes away all of your
fears, and I hear him laugh and
see him in your eyes, and I know

You are still here

I absolute LOVED that ending. I was fabulous, just the way an ending shoudl have been. Very good! I especialy liked how you split the last line from the rest of the stanza

I liked the conversational tone, but you need to add some interest. Also, punctuation would be a good idea. Not bad, though.

thanks everyone! Your crit helped a lot. I appreciate it.

i really loved the first two verses, they were so good they made the rest of the poem rather insignificant.

the second to last verse was a little muddled, a little lost.

like emotion_less said it wasn't mind blowing but it doesn't really help to crit what the poem isn't so, for what it is, i liked it.