Young Writers Society

hi yall well my name is jonny and im knew here so i am posting my first poem. tell me what you guys think. i wrote it right after the death of my uncle so i dedicate this sonnet to him:

For Them

With eyes closed, he lay there on his death bed.
His hands weak, cold. His face thin and pale.
With my knees feeble and heart full of dread,
I gripped his hand, but his hold was frail.

In the eyes of his child I saw tears,
This shattered by already broken heart.
His fathers death surpassed his greatest fears.
He refused to see his father’s depart.

But never in front of his children’s sight,
Never would he show them that he was weak.
For them, never would he give up the fight,
But he lost, and the future was so bleak.

He loved them more than anyone could say,
And for them, he held on ‘til his last day.

for your first post I like it muchly!!! Some great words, is this a true poem? You have muchous pretentional

With eyes closed, he lay there on his death bed.
His hands weak, cold. His face thin and pale.
With my knees feeble and heart full of dread,
I gripped his hand, but his hold was frail.

Great start really captivated me - which at the momento is becoming increasingly hard!!!

In the eyes of his child I saw tears,
This shattered by already broken heart.
His fathers death surpassed his greatest fears.
He refused to see his father’s depart.

Is it supposed to be *my* not *by*? yet again some strong powerful words coming through.

He loved them more than anyone could say,
And for them, he held on ‘til his last day.

Good ending though I think it needs to be more powerful something that really hits home, overal I really thought you did a wonderful job !!!!

wu

*sniff* *sniff* its so beautiful and good... *sniff* I really like it. I really never lost someone I knew close, but some of my distant realatives have died. I think death is a very sad thing... I hope you aren't to sad about your uncle's passage... But I really do like your writing...

Unfortunately I feel you were constrained from expressing a more sensual and touching poem by adhering to a rhyme scheme that at times didn't work, due to overstretched lines and the like. This was further compunded by your tendency to write more than one thought on a line, when it make more sense to split these up. Don't be afraid to have different lengthed lines, just read it through afterwards and change things that you feel don't fit with the pace well by insering words, removing words etc. Also, too many pronouns made this prosaic and not poetic enough for my likening.

"He loved them more than anyone could say,
And for them, he held on ‘til his last day."

Confused by the 'til part. You can just use 'till' which is a word, and does not require an apostrophe.

"His fathers death surpassed his greatest fears. "

His father's

"This shattered by already broken heart. "

Two choices here. Either "by an already broken heart" or "by his already broken heart". Change it, but decide which one you prefer.

Anyway, I think with some restructuring this good be made into a more touching poem.

I love it when it rhymes. I makes the sentence strong to me. I like the words you've used.
The last part:
He loved them more than anyone could say,
And for them, he held on ‘til his last day.

It gives me a meaning of hope that would last forever. And it seems like your uncle will do anything he can to avoid, go against their fears, fear that he had known before.
'For Them' you mean your cousins right?
Keep on writing poems (rhyme on if you still can and still have the to chance to)

Nice work! ! It's a excellent start.....!
hugs xxx little x soldier xxx

Me like. The rhyming worked really well, and the meter was pretty good too. My only suggestion is EXPAND. I see potential for a ballad.

I agree with Firestarter. I hate rhyme schemes with a passion. Most of the time, it makes serious poems sound childish and chunky because you force a rhyme. Although this one still managed to maintain its seriousness. But it's awesome for a rhyming poem.

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Yeah...WELCOME!!!!!!! Hey, niteowl, it's not fair that everyone else didn't get the new elephant emoticon!!! You should give everyone else one, too.

Anyway, this was a good poem, and yes, I don't really like rhyme schemes, and yes, I'm going to tell you that the end could have been better. But I'll be looking forward to more of your work. I liked this one.