Young Writers Society

forewarning: this is bad.

---------

wearing converse trainers
and waiting on street corners.

if you gripped that stella any harder
it'd break into thousands of shards
some would hit your black-lined eyes
but the rest would pierce your bulging chest
penetrate into your dying subconscious
and remind you to keep breathing.

when they rip your dress
do you feel their love?

do you look them in the eyes
and feel perfectly content
wrap your arms around
their sweaty shoulders
and watch yourself bleed.

it's more expensive
to buy a y-shaped coffin
but of course, you're sure
the tinkling of coins
the flapping of notes
will make you feel better
even when the bruises
and the shame
the constant shame
doesn't.

cracked mirrors don't do much
for interior furnishing
neither does dirty sheets
and hidden toyboys
or motorised pleasures
but strewn underwear
and soundproof bedrooms
just increase the income

but i don't love you
because compensated beauty
isn't really beauty at all

This was sort of lengthy, yet intriguing....wow. I wish I could write like this,lol. But this is very good, Jack...
it's more expensive
to buy a y-shaped coffin
but of course, you're sure
the tinkling of coins
the flapping of notes
will make you feel better
even when the bruises
and the shame
the constant shame
doesn't.
Loved that part:-)

I all honesty it was a great poem, but ..do you really know anything about the subject? I'm not saying you don't, but it's always difficult to write poems about things you know nothing about.

Well, maybe you do know, and anyway it doesn't matter the poem rocks my socks.

if you gripped that stella any harder
it'd break into thousands of shards
some would hit your black-lined eyes
but the rest would pierce your bulging chest
penetrate into your dying subconscious
and remind you to keep breathing.

That was the part I loved
you really have a way with words.

Well, not really. It was more of an exaggeration of a lot of sluts I know. Thanks for the comments.

A romanticized piece. But you pulled it off well, not sounding to cheesy or moonstruck.

I liked this poem, but then again, I'm a fan of compensated dating (in theory, anyway, hee). You did a great job, my only suggestion is that the last line be broken into:

but i don't love you
because compensated beauty
isn't really beauty
at all

The other way puts too many syllables into the last line and causes a clunky, awkward ending. Ahhh :sighs: I loved this. Though it's what I've come to expect from you, so good job.