....another.

* this poem is a bit longer than my last, so i hope that it's better. it is still a work in progress, so please give me advice so that i may fix, and improve! Muchas Gracias! *

Deep, Darkness.
These words are my heart.
The memories you gave me
are filled with screams,
and crimsom blood.

This pain was not for me,
and yet i find myself with
this heavy burden,
yelling from the weight.

Deep was the Betrayl.
Dark was the Deed.
To have insisted such
pain on others is a
Deed much Darker.

These memories are forever
engraved on the Bodies
of your Deed, lying
in their desolate graves.
Forever there,
Forever forgotten.

All held in my heart.
My Deep, Dark heart...

---Lora

I hope you like it! and thanks for the comments...i really appreciate them!

crimsom...spelled crimson I think. Betrayl should be betrayal.

Other than that, this was nicely spooky with some very nice imagery. However, I do think that some of the words you used to evoke that imagery was rather cliche and bland and offered nothing original. Maybe put a spin on it and describe this in a way that no one has done before? Because the words you used have definitely been used before...

However, I actually did like this a lot, I just hink you could do even more to this!!

Hello there, Lora!

So, I have not critiqued poetry in a long time, but I'm trying to get back into it. In essence, you're my guinea pig.

Imagery

You have an interesting theme to this, but it seemed rather... drab. It had next to no imagery, and that is what often sucks the reader into the poem. Imagery is one of the most powerful tools of conveying emotion; a reader can relate to imagery; whereas, if you tell the reader the emotions to feel, the reader does not feel them to the fullest extent. I may be completely off-base, but I feel that more imagery and less 'talk' would make this more powerful.

Rhythm

I could not seem to catch onto the rhythm here. If there was one...

Repetition

Repetition can be powerful, but with the lack of imagery in here, it just got annoying. The repetition of Deep, Dark, and Deed could have been powerful, but without the imagery, it didn't have as good of an effect as it could have.

Deep was the Betrayl.
Dark was the Deed.
To have insisted such
pain on others is a
Deed much Darker.

Typo here? Betrayal?

So, maybe that was not very helpful, but I gave it a shot. Keep on writing and PM me if you have any questions.

Must agree that the repetition began to get a little... well repetitive. Other than that though it wasn't bad. The message was conveyed well and your imagery and vocabulary were reasonable.

I second everything that Fräulein WD said.

I can't really say more, other than tell you how you can fix it. That's always helpful, ja?

So, you have this emotional poem. You say a lot of stuff about heart, and pain, and blood. What does this do for the reader? Nothing. Poetries goal, IMO, is to make the reader feel. I have an article that might help you on the subject of emotional poetry: Emotional Poetry.

This poem, secondly, had no plot. Now you might be giving me a weird look. "Why does a poem need a plot?" No, it doesn't always need a plot, but when a poem can survive simply on the description of something (Go read a poem by Incandescence.) then it's good. But, in all my poems, I have a sort of plot, and it makes it easier to get the reader into it if something is happening, it gives an action, it works better than description.

I wrote a poem once, and the majority of it was description. It was good, but needed more. I wrote a part two to the poem, of action. It came out that much better. So, give some action. It doesn't actually have to be a plot, just an action. Make the characters more...human? Give us something to relate to and say, "I know what she is feeling, and this is a good poem." We want to feel what you feel.

And I'm really worried I'm just rambling so I'll stop here =D

Best of luck, if you have any questions, PM me.

Contrary to the general negativity of the crits before me, I really enjoyed this! Yeah, there were a few bumpy places but much of it rang true for me!

Deep was the Betrayl.
Dark was the Deed.
To have insisted such
pain on others is a
Deed much Darker.

This was my favorite stanza. No you don't have much rhythm and, no, there isn't much imagery. But the way you pieced togther these words sends chills down my spine . I'm wondering though... would it change a whole lot if you put the word "but" before "To have"? I think it would make this stanza even better.

Deep, Darkness.

Why don't you change this to "Deep. Darkness." the period makes all the difference.

This pain was not for me,
and yet i find myself with
this heavy burden,
yelling from the weight.

Try:
This pain was not for me,
and I find myself with
this heavy burden.
I cry under the weight. ........... Better, neh?

Bodies
of your Deed, lying
in their desolate graves.

How about changing this to, "...Body of your Deed, lying in it's desolate grave. Make it all singular. Sounds better.

Anyway... I loved it. Wonderful. Emotional. However, as has been said, use more imagery. Incorperate more similes and metaphors. Poems paint a picture, so color it with more than just black and white. (Poetic, neh?)

See you around LOOOra...

-Kylan

Right now, you have a very abstract poem that have abstract images combined with abstract meanings. Try to spice it up with the concrete! Combine these images with humanity. Adding a story might help with the humanity, and also make a connection with the images you present. But, whatever you do, you MUST combine something concrete and human with your story, otherwise the poem has nothing to attach itself with.

Hope that helps!

Besides the spelling errors I liked this. At times I did kind of fe read this before, only because the words deep and dark are often combined to the word heart. But other than that it was its own poem.

Deep was the Betrayl.
Dark was the Deed.
To have insisted such
pain on others is a
Deed much Darker.

My favorite stanza.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Your imagery is vague and disjointed. "This pain was not for me", is stated in the second stanza, but the idea of pain it relates to was touched on less than briefly in the preceding part.

The third stanza was rather obvious, and I think you could integrate it better with the rest of the poem and cut the stanza out altogether so it's not so much of a "here I am" statement.

These memories are forever
engraved on the Bodies
of your Deed, lying
in their desolate graves.
Forever there,
Forever forgotten.

I thought that this stanza came out of nowhere.

I think that it is unnecessary to capitalize anything that begins with a "D"

At the end, I couldn't empathize with you/your poem. It was more kinda like "oh, that happened? okay" than "oh my goodness, I can't believe that happened"