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Young Writers Society


i should never be allowed to drive again



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Sun Feb 27, 2005 6:39 am
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Incandescence says...



this is me in a drunken stupor. i suggest you take the time out, now, to rip something of mine to shreds before i catch a brainwave and remove this. i'm sure i'll do so sometime, anyway. within the next week or so, i'm gonna start fresh. whooooo, i'm going to feel like s**t in the morning.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2005 7:09 am
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faith says...



something about this just sort of chilled me. not neccesarily the poem itself..its just, i get the context, I think.


'If I drive, I wonder how far I can go
before I hit the radius of our
shattered kingdom'

...a brief moment of perfection.

which i'll now ruin by saying that the division of the final word is a cheap trick so dont do it.
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2005 7:12 am
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Incandescence says...



Yeah, and didn't work anyway. I mean, the way I intended for it to work.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2005 9:45 am
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Wulie says...



If thats your drunken writing - that is pretty darn good ( damn I wished I was better at ripping things apart)
Music creeps out from under my brother's door
reminding me of everything I never was


First line was fine second line self pitious didn't like it at all it reminded me of my poems BAD!!!


I wish he wouldn't do that, play music
I mean, not that it's bad, I just…can't take it.
Don't do it, can't take it, I'm going to
go jump in the car and drive away.


The last line was weak it the whole stanza is building up to something you need some powerful words just to keep the reader alert.

If I drive, I wonder how far I can go
before I hit the radius of our
shattered kingdom, and the silent reverberations
that go on in your head for miles and miles
and the white fuzzy static on my end
collide to form soppy poems and forgotten music


Love it, love it! Don't change a thing

The rest of the poem just gets better and better, ending is perfect fits with the whole poem wonderfully considering you were in a drunken state I think you did well! But when ever don't you lol!
wu
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2005 11:58 am
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Firestarter says...



I think your strength often lies in subtle imageries that provide the reader with details of your intended message; however, in the first few stanzas your poem was not like this and instead degenerated to something different which I didn't enjoy. You seemed to get back into it in the next few stanzas, providing some examples, and allowing us to see more your point of view. But then the ending threw me off, and you seemed to have lost your way a little. So basically, a weak beginning, decent middle, and poor ending.
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2005 12:10 pm
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Midnight says...



I think a lot of great poetry has been written on opium (Coleridge for example) but I'm not sure if drunken poetry is such a great thing. This was ok but I've seen a lot better from you I meant from you.
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It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien