Young Writers Society

OK...this poem is another reason why I hope no one from school ever finds this web page. This is about this guy I know...long story. But I really like this. I don't know why...
Edit: This is Sam Unscripted. Beware lol

those shiny new black nike shox rest up against the wall
leaving small scuff marks where you've been kicking it trying
to look cool in front of your 'audience', that group
of girls you don't even know crowding around you
admiring your spiky black hair that sticks up
just so and your warm
brown eyes and, oh, timmy, those
designer jeans look really good on you, ya know, and i love that 'hard rock cafe: copenhagen' t-shirt...ever been? Denmark rocks, and uh...
Yeah, i bet you like that. I bet you like that
a lot, to have
your own fan club and to know that you could
have any girl in school for yourself but I bet
they don't see you for who you really are, the
mathlete
computer geek
honor roll/straight A's
german guy, because being actually INTELLIGENT
is sooo out this season, it ain't what the ladies like
in guys because ignorant people are sooo
much easier to control, I know it's true
because the first emperor of China said that...
but you already knew that, I bet, because I
saw you at lunch, pretedning you were having
a good time with those dumb-o friends of yours
while under the table you had this
book about the history of China..
yeah, you must like that a lot, to have to hide
yourself behind a mask of popularity while inside
you're that geeky, insecure 12-year-old that
the world has come to ignore.
I brush past you, make a crack about your hair, and you start laughing. I look back and...
was that a wink? I can feel the heated look
from those girls burning a hole through my
back and hear...

'ehmagod, timmy, you OK? who was that jerk?'

I bet you like that. I bet you like that a lot, to
have people who insult you get insulted back.
You've got like this shield, something like that...
because this twisted, conniving world has
decided that they like you
you're hot
so we're going to ignore your personality and
hide you, smother who you reallly are.

Ehmagod timmy, don't let them do that to you.

nike shox resting against the wall
your idle feet
kicking and scraping away
at your above average persona

girls in make-up and highheels surround you
and I bet you like it, knowing
that you are perfect in every possible way
but only in
their eyes

their grabbing hands cling to your
shadow and you are not
the boy
they think you are

just…don’t ever forget that, because
ignorance is so much easier to control
you know it, you feel it
I feel it too

you keep surprising them
keep dazzling them
in all your yummy cologne fragmented goodness
you keep watching them
keep mocking them
and you see it is only a matter of time before you forget who you are

but we know that that’s bullshit
don’t let little girls control you
they are never all that little and
they always know more than you think
so if you hear me laugh, yeah, I’m laughing at you
and the girls surrounding you, protecting you
shading your innocent eyes from the world

'ehmagod, timmy, you OK? who was that jerk?'

I should have threw small rocks
to get your attention
snap you out of psychosis and brought you back
to life, I should have drawn the curtains
and chanted incantations to save you
but it’s okay,
in this world, you don’t need a personality
fresh hair style and punky clothes to
match your hair
don’t break away

you’re not allowed to do that to them.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

We already discussed this version.

lol Brad I love it but you don't have to rewrite everything i write...lol

I really like this!!!! it has a great message. But of course critque! here you go critque!!!
I would like it better if you made stanzas and not just have it a jumbled mess and put some commas at the end of some lines and turned your 'i's to 'I's

And what us 'Ehmagod'? is it sopposed ot be 'Oh my god'? if so put that there and not 'Ehmagod' it's hard to read and breaks the sort of rythem you had, because you sit there going 'what is that?' 'huh'?
But this is a nice poem nice message!

I didn't really understand it. He sounds popular. I'd stay away, things lead to things. Of course this was some other year, some other life. I liked it otherwise...

Are Socx... like socks or something? Explain, I'm old. :gets the rock candy stolen:

I liekd but didnt love it, I don't think it really fits under dramitc poerty for one, and it seemed very jumbled however as brads shown it in stanzas thats better easier to read.. Your one goes on a little and bores me slighly. I mean yeah you do show the average teenage show off boy perfectly well done but it needs something else - not ot sure what sorry.

but we know that that’s bullshit
don’t let little girls control you
they are never all that little and
they always know more than you think
so if you hear me laugh, yeah, I’m laughing at you
and the girls surrounding you, protecting you
shading your innocent eyes from the world

This is from brads one I didn't like this stanza at all...
And sam if you do re-do it like brad has please keep in this bit *finds*

they don't see you for who you really are, the
mathlete
computer geek
honor roll/straight A's
german guy, because being actually INTELLIGENT
is sooo out this season, it ain't what the ladies like
in guys because ignorant people are sooo
much easier to control, I know it's true
because the first emperor of China said that...
but you already knew that, I bet, because I
saw you at lunch, pretedning you were having
a good time with those dumb-o friends of yours
while under the table you had this
book about the history of China..

This bits out of there about how he really isn't a sheep ( follower) and does like maths history etc, because then it isn't all saying what a show off he is etc.

wu x