Young Writers Society

I'm not sure on this at all but hey, I'm not sure if this is the right section for it either. Please give me your comments etc!

The same old clutter surrounds me
My phone placed by the window
The only position signal reaches my desolate life
Your name on the screen
My thumb in position over the little green button

And as I convince my self I don’t need you
The light clump of metal and plastic
Rumbles, vibrations running through my skin
‘One message received’ and it’s from you

All the will power in the world won’t stop me from needing
This despair inside of me wearing me down
Hours or vivid memories burning my mind
I wish and I pray for you to disappear
A feeling raises in me a feeling I’ve never dared to believe
The cold sensation of death now adorns my skin
The glimmering metal distorting your face

Your threatened eyes no longer melt my heart
I am cold a stone covered in hair line cracks
No time left for prayers
No one will answer them, they never answered mine
Your empty tears a waste of time
The suffering inside has come to its death

You were my soul-mate
But this sharp metal ends your rain
Bitter bliss surrounds my possessed body
A chorus of ghostly angels accompany your cries
Seconds left of your life nothing but darkness
Embraces our lifeless bodies

Once again the chill of my phone shoots through me
I awake to the same empty life I lead before…

The same old clutter surrounds me
What do I say what do I write?
The first two lines were horrid, and I hated them, but the poem got a lot better except for this line:
All the will power in the world won’t stop me from loving you
It just sounded terribly sappy and didn't go with this type of poem.
Your threatened eyes no longer melt my heart
I am cold a stone covered in hair line cracks
Way to go, Wulie! I love that.
Oh yeah, and two more things. One, the title. :Shudders: Okay, okay, I'll leave it alone...it's a personal thing. Heh...
And the other thing was this line:
No one will answer they never did me
Okay, is it just me, or does this line like, not make any sense at all...

-yay- does that mean it was ok???

I shall try change the first two line *thinks* any one got any suggestions?

No time left for prayers
No one will answer they never did me

It's ment to say there's no point in prayer they'll never be answered no one answeed my prayers... I'll re-word it!

The title I thought was ok *sighs* lol ermm better suggestions VERY welcome!
wu x

Wow, Wulie.

I thought this poem was great. You personified very well the feeling of being anxious, waiting for someone to email you, send you an instant message. Which is probably something we could all relate to...

I think you'd have to work at it to write a bad poem, I seriously do.

Cheers sam - still not sure on it but hey glad you liked it !