Magical war

2 posts
User avatar
Mr. Everyone
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 64
Sat Feb 17, 2007 7:26 am
Mr. Everyone says... · Sat Feb 17, 2007 7:26 am
The fresh dew glistens
on the orange grass,
the suns stealing a peak
over walking hills,
while animals fly,
circling over the reservoir
under a full moon.
and a screech from the clouds filled
the air.
slightly muffling the sound
of the trickling water,
falling
with almost no rhythm.
Bang, Bang-Bang, the guns fire, and the wars begin again!
~Everyone~

=) *wave*
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User avatar
Ofour
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 187
Sun Feb 18, 2007 12:07 pm
Ofour says... · Sun Feb 18, 2007 12:07 pm
"the suns stealing a peak" - this makes sense but sounds odd.

"over walking hills," - brilliant metaphor.

"under a full moon.
and a screech from the clouds filled" - capital for "and", i don't like sentences beginning with "and".

"slightly muffling the sound " - capital again.

I've read something similar to this before but I can't remember what it was. I thought this was excellent, the juxtaposition was well orchestrated . The imagery is brilliant as I said before. Very inventive.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna
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