The Firefly's Glow

This poem seems to encompass all the elements needed for a "good" poem: your figurative language is superb, and the words appear emotionally charged. I would agree with the reviews before mine that the third stanza ruined it for me. It is a bit harsh, and sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of an overly pleasant poem. I would recommend you think over rewriting that bit, even if it's not immediately. Usually I write my best if I let it sit for awhile and then pick it up a bit later.

Good luck to you!

Thanks guys. You all rock. I'll prolly end up scrapping the third stanza or just rewriting it so at least there's some bridge between the second and fourth stanzas.

Emotional...... and the imagery is powerful. The reptition of the word "glow" is a little boring but I'm sure you can think of an alternative word?
Well done, I'm printing this out and putting it with my collection of YWS poems on my wall.
Amazing. (send it to a mag!!!!)
lexy x

This seemed very heartfelt. It flowed well and had strong imagery. If you make the revisions that people have suggested, I think it's likely you could get this published. There's a magazine called "Teen Ink" which, as the title suggests, publishes work by teens. I'm sure there are many other similar publications. You should most definitely submit this to something. Don't be discouraged if one magazine rejects it, just see if somwhere else will accept it!
Good luck!

I really really really do like this poem. Like Brad said, it's awesome that it has some meaning out of the norm for this site.

However...I have a small problem with your first stanza.

Do you remember
The fireflies that danced
Between our hands,
Tantalizing us with their glow?
How we ran than night,
Dashing through the meadow
Like tameless spirits,
Chasing those fireflies
Until they lost their glow.

That said, I have no idea what it is haha. When you read it outloud to yourself, it just sounds funny. Like it's jarred. This and the next stanze have a good rhythm, but for some reason the second just sounds better than the first. I think it's in the beginning. Or maybe it's the 'glow' repetition. I'm not really sure.

I know at this point I've been so incredibly helpful haha, but maybe you can look it over and notice it yourself and figure out how to fix it!

Otherwise, solid work!!

This was really nice, Wiggy! It read great, it was nicely worded and it flowed. But perhaps it ended just a little abruptly? I was sort of expecting more - it seems to short as it is.

But pretty images all the same. Dramatic. ^_^

Wiggy--


(A return to this...)

Did you consider this without the last strophe? In my first analysis, I felt like the third stanza was the problem; now I think cutting either one will work to the poem's advantage.

It's an interesting piece with the treatment of the dagger hilt, and a wry twist at the end of S3. The current melancholy that now closes the piece also weakens it. You've already introduced a surprise at the end of S3 and S4, as it were, is rather anticlimactic.

Dropping either S3 or S4 will increase the value of the poem, but dropping S3 leaves you with S4, which currently reads as a desperate plea for readers not to be harsh on your poem because it's "sensitive." Not that this was your intention, just how it strikes me.

It was worth the second read.


Best,
Brad

This is such an amazing, heartflelt poem. Although I agree with Brad, some of the lines were a little cliche, I don't think it really matters, because this poeem has such an alluring ending

this is great. i really can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. i can't wait to see the revised version! as for a magazine... what about "teen ink"?

I relally liked it. But I noticed towards teh end you seemed to lose some of your rhtym. Then in the last stanza you got it back. Way to go

oh, brad liked the poem? Props for Marenka!


I really liked it, but honestly I didn't know and wasn't sure it was about abuse until the little message =/

How we ran than night,

Is it just me or should this be, "How we ran that night"?

IMO, A lot of these lines should be questions, and they aren't.

Do you remember
The night that ended
All of your pain,
Leaving me in a shadow of grief?
How I died that night
My heart ripped in shreds
With the thought of facing
That man alone
Until you rescue me.

I didn't like this stanza. Some of the words used were, for the lack of better description, "emo". Pain is such a vague word, too. "all of your torture" better, yes? I know you can go through this and be more specific, and beautiful. So, clean it up ^^

Otherwise, I think this is my favorite so far.