My.....

He struck my heart, he struck my heart badly.His
glimmering eyes and sunshiney smile,
the warmth you feel when he's around.

I am beneath him, I am too young. I'm captivated
by his eternal quest, for he's the one who holds
my soul overruled, emancipated by his own

His door stands open, his gate to farewell. He slowly
wanders and leaves this behind. I'll miss him, I'll cry.
I'll sob through nights, facing the fact that he left my life.

So I'll wait for his sweet return, and deal with this bitter.
I'll put these fists together and bind this weakness, my
easy to bend, my easy to break, my everything, my.....

I wonder if the comma's in the last stanza are okay ??

my....

your what? there's no closure. there's no suspense about it, either, so it's sort of dull.

emancipated by his own

his own what?

i suppose the commas are okay in the last stanza, but i'd pressure you to form more separate sentances.

my... yeah i dunno i'm not honna put a name or anything it is supossed to be a name tough..

his own soul...

He struck my heart, he struck my heart badly.His

I don't think this line break works particularly well...

glimmering eyes and sunshiney smile,
the warmth you feel when he's around.

I think better metaphors are in need here. I mean... it's okay, but it can be much much better.

I am beneath him, I am too young. I'm captivated

Use parallelism here. So say "I am beneath him, I am too young. I am captivated"

by his eternal quest, for he's the one who holds

Once again, parallelism. It will make your poem that much smoother. So "for he is the one who holds"

my soul overruled, emancipated by his own

His door stands open, his gate to farewell. He slowly
wanders and leaves this behind. I'll miss him, I'll cry.

This behind? This what? Are you talking about a particular backside? See, you need some sort of noun to describe "this" unless you don't want to make any sense.

I'll sob through nights, facing the fact that he left my life.

Left my life sounds like a cliché. I would rather have a different, more exciting, verb than left. Left is just too... dull.

So I'll wait for his sweet return, and deal with this bitter.

Bitter what? Bitter is an adjective, so you have to describe what. Otherwise, your ending will mean nothing to the readers because you've already done it twelve times before.

I'll put these fists together and bind this weakness, my

Huh? What are you trying to say with putting these fists together? It is a strange metaphor that doesn't seem to give much of an image. Revise it.

easy to bend, my easy to break, my everything, my.....

I do like the sudden ending, however you have to work for it a bit more.

Anyway, good luck!

sunshiney

Hahaha. Lovely word.

The poem was... ehh.... weird though. the end was weird, but yeah I havnet much to say because Snoink already butchered and ate it so yeah
Nice one though.

I liked it. Very nice flow in my opinion. I presume you have a crush on an older boy

Oh, Chandni!! Do people like come into my house and watch my life and write poems about it!?!?!? I can sooooooo relate to this. Because of that fact I'm a little biased about it but even if I wasn't Snoink (You little critquer you!) has already picked it apart like a vulture.

my soul overruled, emancipated by his own

Oh my god I love this line.