The Blade

I kept "Finding it (was) too hard" to keep murking through this:
Suicide, the Blade, doggerled yet true, constitute not the poetic lisp.

Though I cannot relate, I can venture into the emotions involved...

I don't feel the couplets really matches the poem. However, that's mrely a personal choice; if it works for you, then work it. Also on that note, if you're going to use coupltets, make sure you rhyme through out the whole poem.

Here,

And weeps,
Goes home,
And sleeps,
Wakes up,
And she goes over the,
Scars again and again,
That cruel word,

You lose your rhymes. Find them and correct it, or don't use the couplets. Overall, the tone and flow were great, just that one thing.

--Q

Trinity wrote:1st of all this poem isn't about me
2nd of all i wrote this poem when i was about 11 and
3rd of all i know i have to change it up a little but like i said
not about me, and i was 11 but thank you for telling me what you think. this poem is 2 or 3 years old probley from when i have just started writing so it wont be that good but it will get better

What the hell is this world coming to? I didn't know about cutting until I was at least 13 ish... at the most...
Apparently I'm stuck in the drug time warp...

Anyway... nothing... seriously... origional... nothing at all. It rhymed, that was a first, but... yeah.... *steps away*

I was not talking about the concept of cutting. I was talking about what this POEM sounded like to me, not the theme of the poem. As I said it may not feel like it is coming from somewhere personal because it does not have individual details or thoughts. Please take a second look at what I said without reacting emotionally.

It's true. Even kids younger than eleven will engage in self-harm.

i won't critique the subject too much, as i think it's far too much of a controversy in poetic america, and as me, myself, and many others are guilty of similar feelings or poetry. i will not disdain the subject, but only ask that you strive for something more original. first of all, get rid of trying to rhyme, at least in couplets. it will make your poem appear more experienced. i actually didn't think it was all that bad. for example:

Becomes a river of red,
The blade cuts through her skin.

i actually liked this. but the rest of it breed a boring feeling, and you do not do the subject justice.

thats really great i really like this bit That she can’t speak,
Skin ripping,
Blood dripping,
Wrist hurts,
She falls to the dirt,
And weeps,
Goes home,
And sleeps,
Wakes up,
And she goes over the,
Scars again and again, by the way you don't need a lot of commas okay