The quest to banish the Ghetto Gremlin.
Well, it wasn’t so much of a quest as an epic battle.
It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon, somewhere other than Woodland. Despite the dreary surroundings I was riding in my chariot down the main street of my home town. My horse was as black as pitch and as fast as lightening, because even my animals must be ninja. (If you don’t realize how “ninja” can be used as an adjective, please ask your cool friends. ) My chariot was black, lined in silver, so that when I went around I looked like I was riding a lightening bolt. It’s the only way to travel when you’re the empress of a world. If you don’t make a statement wherever you go, people forget about you and start forming their own sorts of government and history shows us people are horrible at choosing their leaders, so really it’s a service I do riding around doing random things.
I try not to visit the town I grew up in. However, we all learned from The Lion King one cannot forget their past. And I remember it well, its ghetto. We called it “Little Mexico.” The list of things to do in Woodland is short; see a movie, go bowling, break the law, go out in the country and get smashed, leave. And people wonder why it has such a high teen birth rate.
They call it “historic” but it’s just old. Old and falling apart. I know nowhere more ghetto. And this fact made me wonder what exactly could be doing this, how could one town be so bad?
As I was sipping kiwi lemonade watching an infomercial about knives, trust me, no matter how rich or famous you are, everybody watches infomercials. I thinking about buying a set so I could cut open all my cans instead of using a stupid can opener, the answer stuck me. It was not 42 as I know many of you hitchhikers were thinking. Why would a number answer the problem of a town that can’t even read? The answer was the Ghetto Gremlin. I’d thought it was only a myth spread by parents who wanted to disappoint their children with crappy bedtime stories.
Then and there, I decided this: there was such thing as a ghetto gremlin, and it was living in Woodland. So there was nothing to do but summon my chariot to go battle this evil foe.
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