Young Writers Society

-Chapter One-
Goldenpelt raced through her clan’s territory. I’m going to be the best warrior StormClan has ever seen! She thought in excitement. Goldenpelt had been given her warrior name just that morning, and she was determined to prove she deserved it. Her moldy green-brownish eyes glowed in the early morning light as she scanned the forest for any signs of life, and spotted a leaf rustling. Tasting the air, Goldenpelt smelled the fresh scent of mouse. She crouched, every hair on her odd, burnt-looking orange pelt bristling. She stalked forward, slowly and silently, until she was close enough to hear the tiny creature’s teeth scraping against a seed. Crouching lower and waving her thick stumpy tail in anticipation, Goldenpelt heard the voices of her clan-mates, but ignored them. She was close enough to get this mouse. Leaping forwards, Goldenpelt landed squarely on her prey and bit down into its neck. Thank you, StarClan!Glowing with pride from her catch, Goldenpelt turned to face her clan-mates, who had padded up.
“Looks good,” Shadepath meowed, revealing no emotions. She sniffed daintily at the mouse, then stepped back to stand by the others.
“Unlike something else here,” Oakclaw sneered, staring mockingly at Goldenpelt’s scarred face. He was Shadepath’s mate, and was every bit as arrogant and rude as the dark she-cat.
“Yeah,” Darkpaw yowled, breaking the quiet peace of the forest. Oakclaw nudged his apprentice harshly, and the little tom’s eyes darkened in embarrassment. As her clan-mates walked away, snorting and glancing over their shoulders, Goldenpelt self-consciously touched her almost-completely furless chest with her tail tip.
“It’s not my fault,” she murmured after them, though she knew the others were much to far away to hear her sad whispers. Goldenpelt stood up as the wind blew and glanced at her pelt. The strange streaks on her fur looked so much like the dirt that was coating her pelt. She shook her fur and padded farther into the forest, her mind whirling in frustration. Why do they hate me so much? Just because I’m different?
Goldenpelt padded back into camp at sun-high, with her mouse and a squirrel. She dropped her prey on the fresh-kill pile proudly. The squirrel was nice and plump; it would feed Moondapple and her kits for the night. Maybe then her clan-mates would be proud of her.
“Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather around the high ledge for a clan meeting!” Owlstar yowled, breaking Goldenpelt out of her thoughts. She trotted up to the base of the large cliff, flinching as Saffronbreeze shuffled away from her. You were my mentor! Does that mean nothing to you?! Goldenpelt wailed inwardly.
“I am proud of my clan,” Owlstar began, his reddish-brown pelt glowing in the sun. “StormClan’s warriors are strong… All of them,” he gazed at Goldenpelt in frustration. He was the only cat that didn’t seem to care about how she looked.
“While we are safe for now, MarshClan is an ever-present threat. Tomorrow I am taking a patrol to speak with Amberstar. Perhaps she will tell us why her warriors are so intent on a battle with my clan.”
Murmurs of agreement ran through camp.
“I’d like to bring Emberheart, Swiftcurrant, Bluemist, and Redstorm. Redstorm, you can bring Cloudpaw if you’d like. Let’s see… Sunstep, Lilyfur, Petalflower, you can come too. Lilyfur and Petalflower, you can bring your apprentices. Tinypaw and Whitepaw could use the experience,” Owlstar continued. Glancing around camp, he added, “You can come too, Moonrise. They won’t think we want to fight if we have a medicine cat with us.”
Goldenfern felt disappointment rush through her. What about me? Does he think they won’t accept peace just because I look strange? For the first time in her life, Goldenfern wished she hadn’t survived the fire that had made her what she was- ugly.

-Chapter Two-

Nettleleaf stumbled over a twig that was laying in his path.
“Should’ve seen that coming,” Thornstem snorted from behind him.
“Yeah,” Mossheart agreed, sneering. With a sigh, Nettleleaf padded on. It’s not like I can help it. They could show some sympathy! He thought ruefully. They wouldn’t like it one bit if they were blind. With a puff of frustration, Nettleleaf tore his paw out of a mouse hole, ignoring Friskpaw’s giggles from somewhere to the side.
“I hate this!” he muttered in anger. Suddenly paw-steps rang through the early air.
“Shut up, would you?” Stonepaw snapped, his voice cold and furious. “You scared off my raven. If I fail my warrior assessment, you’ll rue the day you were kitted!”
“Well, isn’t that a load of fox-dung for you? Go hunt, don’t blame me because you can’t catch anything!” Nettleleaf spat. He didn’t dare say the words in his mind- I already do regret that day, Stonepaw. I wish I’d never been born, and you have nothing to do with it. He would never be useful to ShadeClan. He was just a burden to Blackstar. He would never be a warrior, or a medicine cat. He didn’t have the patience to deal with cats whining because they got some dust in their eyes. At least they can use their eyes! Who cares if they get a bit dirty! Sighing, Nettleleaf added,at least they know what dirt looks like. The tom padded into camp just in time to hear Blackstar calling the cats together for a clan meeting.
“As you all know, MarshClan is a huge threat to our clan,” Blackstar began, his deep voice echoing through camp. “We are strong, but with leaf-bare coming, we can’t afford any lost prey. I plan on leading a patrol there tomorrow. I want you to come with me, Frecklesong. Eagletalon, Larkwhisper, Nighttalon, Mossheart, and Hawkfeather, you come with the patrol too. Nighttalon, bring Stonepaw,” Blackstar mewed. Then, taking a deep breath, he said, “I also want Wildwind and…” Nettleleaf’s heart raced as he silently willed Blackstar to call his name.
“Moonberry,” Blackstar said. “Clan dismissed.”
Nettleleaf felt frustration surge up in his pelt. Why not me? He thought in disappointment. Lifting his chin, Nettleleaf decided he’d had enough. I’ll leave camp tomorrow. I’m not a kit. I am a ShadeClan cat! Nettleleaf didn’t let himself finish the thought- A blind ShadeClan cat. Shaking his head, Nettleleaf sat up. It didn’t matter. I’m not a coward, far from it. And I’ll prove it. The clans will be shaking in their flea-infested pelts when I’m done training myself. And I won’t be thought of as the blind cat. I’ll be thought of as… Nettleleaf.I'll be thought of as me.

Ah, hello I'll be your reviewer today so I hope you accept my review with kind-hearted intentions and without malice.
My first impression of this fanfic was that it was way too short and that there would definitely be nothing worthwhile in reading it.

So, now that I've read it, giving it a chance, I realize that it has some potential but it needs alot of work. Your general detail concerning Goldenpelt is well a little like an information dump. You go ahead and state "...Her ugly scarred face lowered, her thick stumpy tail quivered. Goldenpelt's moldy green-brown eyes gleamed..." this right here is what I would call an info-dump. You could instead incorporate these things along the story and instead remove that sentence and say "She lowered her face, her stump-like tail quivered in anticipation. Her dark eyes gleamed in anticipation before she leaped, landing squarely on her prey..." but you can do whatever you'd want without having to dump information on the reader.

Next, you basically nullified your previous statement of her -stump tail - when you say that she is tracing the bald - furless - patch of her chest. Is she tracing it with a paw, or her tongue or her tail? Also, think in cat-like reality. Would a cat really be seen tracing it's chest with a paw? No, it would probably lick the furless place on it's chest, or maybe just touch it with it's tail, but otherwise it wouldn't do much.

Moving on, your switching in characters - when you decided to end your Goldenpelt's view, you immediately introduced the next character and switched clans. I had to reread that part atleast twice to make sure I'd understood it correctly and when I had I realized that you would have had to change paragraphs. So when you're changing paragraphs I would insist you mark it somehow, extra spaces or even three (***) of those to indicate a changing in scenery and personal observation.

You could even continue an entire chapter using Goldenpelt as a perspective and then in the second chapter you could go to Nettlepaw and explain what he'd been doing and what he currently is doing. In the third chapter you might be able to bring the two together. I advise you to check on grammar too, I saw a few errors. Otherwise it was perfectly fine...

Phew, that was alot to say, wasn't it? Hmm... well atleast you have a good review on your hands, right?

In general - this was a good beginning but it needs alot of work. Just revise and edit as all good authors must do, and I bid you farewell at least until next time.

Write on,
writteninstone.

Thank you SOOOO much! I'll work on your tips tomorrow, I don't have time tonight... I will make it longer, I just needed advice. Thanks again, I promsie I'll work hard! I want this to work... THanks, and have a blessed night.

I love the Warrior series!! But...you sound to much like Eric Hunter. Try changing some of the words. For example : instead of "clan" try "tribe" or "Healer" for "medicine cat"
I really like stories like these. They're different from all the other stories so keep writing!

Thanks! I wanted to sound kind of like Erin Hunter because, since these are modeled after her books, I wanted there to be clans. And I need the warrior code for some later conflicts in the story (Which the tribe in the books didn't have). But I'll try to work something out... Thank you again!

Hi catlover

Another fan of the Warrior Cats series I see

Anyway, onto the review.

In this piece I couldn't find many if any gramatical errors or typos etc. So I am going to focus more on what I loved about this piece.

First of all I wasn't sure what to expect when I read the title however I wasn't dissapointed when I found out how well the title linked to the characters.

I liked how the writing style mirrored Erin Hunters, not only by the words you used eg. clan etc. but also by the way you wrote the piece. I shall be looking to see if you hav written anymore of this when I have finished the reviw.

My only improvement would be to make sure that you add a little more detail and description because as of yet the only cats that I can picture in my head are Goldenpelt and Nettleleaf. The rest I just have to try and think about from their names.

Anyway Overall I loved this piece and hope more will be written soon.

- apple96

Greetings, Catlover. I wanted to point out two places where you left out a space-

Thank you, StarClan!Glowing

Nettleleaf added,at least they know

Also, would Owlstar bring that many warriors to a peaceful meeting? Think about it. (By the way, you chose great names for all of them.)