Young Writers Society

For my english literature homework I have to write the opening to a story based on a book I have read. I chose Fallen by Lauren Kate from the perspective of Daniel after he loses Luce before he goes to Sword & Cross school. You don't have to have read the novel to review it. It's only 200 words so there's not much to review but I really feel it could do with some advise. Thanks if you do review!



Daniel gave into the passion that burnt deep in his chest and wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her in with avid force. They locked lips fiercely, putting every feeling into that single contact. But the consequences would soon be paid. The Shadows had appeared once more and had started to creep forward, intent on taking away his one love. He tried to hold on tightly, to keep her there with him and break the cycle that they had been cursed to live again and again.

Meet. Love. Kiss. Part

Their lips parted and she slipped from his embrace. He watched helplessly as she disappeared before him once again. Silent tears filled his eyes and threatened to fall down his cheeks. Something had to change. He was tired of losing her, of blaming himself afterwards and waiting seventeen years before they met again. I have to do something that gives her a chance at surviving this time. I have to end up in a place so horrendous that she would never visit it and therefore never see me again. Shaking with emotion he ran from the room to find a deed worthy of getting him into such a place.

Hi Midnight!
Eng Lit homework already? Wow. I start my timetable tomorrow But I start with double History. Luuurvely... -.-
Anyway, let's begin [a rather short review]

The Good

I liked this. I've never read the book, so I don't really understand it, but imagine I'm like your Eng Lit teacher XD I like how it begins, him giving into the passion. I also like how you put the the cycle as a separate paragraph of 4 words. I also very much like the emotion in this

The possible improvements

The only typo I found was that you missed a full stop after 'part'

xMidnightWriterx wrote:Daniel gave into the passion that burnt deep in his chest and wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her in with avid force.

I don't know, but I feel the sentence could be a bit more effective without 'Daniel'. We don't really need to know his name and in a way, (to me) it feels like I want to know who he is and why does that mean he can't be with her.
Is it possible to add a little bit more description (LOL, look who's talking, someone who never adds description XD) about the passion? It seems to be really important here...

The final thing... The italics don't really make sense... Is he trying to find something that gives her a chance or get to a certain place? If he can't decide, maybe he could ask himself...

Overall
Overall, Brilliant! I think your teacher will be very impressed.

Mac

Hi there. :]

So, I've read this story, coincidentally enough. Wasn't my favorite story. In fact, the whole plot was just a tad bit dragged out and there seemed to be so many dangling loose ends, I doubt I'd ever buy it again if I had the choice. But I can respect the gist of it. The whole "danger" of their love, and the off-setting situation of their relationship.

When I read this, I could easily tell of the similarities. I could see that your inspiration was easily driven from Lauren Kate's style. It's nice, but for basing it off her book, I truly wish you would have been a tad bit more original with your style choice. The writing was okay, but the fact that this seemed still so similar was disappointing in a way. Adding a bit more imagery, maybe an alternate twist, would have surely helped this out some, if you can understand where I'm coming from.

Overall, I think this was rather smooth sounding, I just think it could have been a bit longer probably. If I could make a small editing suggestion other than I've what already mentioned, it'd be to fluff this up a bit. There's no need for it to be too much longer obviously, because it's just supposed to be the beginning of a story, but I think if you focus on fluffing this up, you'll have a bit more room to elaborate and make it sound a bit more original and not so similar to Lauren Kate.

Nice work, and I hope anything I may have mentioned might be of some help to you should you decide to edit. If not, you'll surely still have a fairly strong piece to hand in for your English assignment.

-Smylin'

Hey! I loved the emotion flowing from this piece. You got deep into Daniel's head, and it was great. You can tell, as Smylin said, the similarity between the two stories and writing styles. It was very clear and direct when it comes to the emotional aspects of the story.

However, I do feel like this piece is a bit unneccesarily short. You could easily fluff it up a little more. More emotion, instead of just the direct stuff. A little more detail to. The cries of terror from Luce as the shadows dragged her away. Daniel trying, once again, to save her to no avail.

The ending was a little abrupt for me. There are surely a few more deep words you could add in there to add to the vivid feelings swirling around.

I'm sure your teacher'll give you a good grade, but why not blow her/him away?