Young Writers Society

Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel or any of their characters.

5
Mephisto scowled as he watched his minions run from MJ in fear. At the beginning she was barely making through the trial. Now she was a deadly force to be reckoned with. Her love for Peter was deadly enough now her determination enforced that strength. The demonic creature was desperate to stop her even if he had to face MJ in the final round of the trial. He hoped it wouldn't come to that. The next trial should hopefully end her.
The walk to the next trial was quiet as MJ pressed forward. Her patience had been pushed to it's limit during the last trial and Now she was determined to succeed. Her memories of her previous life kept coming and now it was becoming addicting. What's worse Mephisto attempted to play with her mind and all he did was unleash her wrath. The two reached the fourth door with stone statue of a knight standing guard.
The stone statue came to life looking down at MJ. Quickly the monster threw a hard right which MJ easily dodged. The creature was incredibly strong but was also incredibly slow. The statue pulled out a stone blade taking a wicked swing at MJ who jumped back before moving in like a viper striking the warriors chest. Sparks bounced of the warriors chest leaving only a small scratch on it's chest. The warrior using both arms swung the blade again at MJ only to miss again. MJ moved in again striking at the knee. The stone sparked again but remained undamaged. The two remained in the same stance with MJ striking different parts searching for a weakness. Her arms started to get tired from the swinging as her legs were slowing from the constant dodging. The stone warrior remained strong as it kept attacking pushing MJ to her limit. With another heavy swing the stone warrior knocked MJ to the ground as it moved in for the kill. The warrior dropped its blade down as MJ rolled right then rolled left slicing at the neck reach the same result as all her other attacks. The stone warrior turned to it's opponent raising its sword with both hands. MJ took her blade and lifted it up between the warriors legs. The stone knight fell to the side in pain. "You've got to be kidding me?" MJ said in shock. Noticing the warrior dropped his sword MJ rushed over using all her strength to lift the sword. As the knight regain composure MJ swung the sword lopping her opponent's head clean off it's shoulders.
"You've done well. Soon everything you lost will be returned." Morlun said walking over to her. Noticing her panting Morlun looked over the caves. Walking over to a wall on the left side Morlun dug his fist into it producing a small stream of water. MJ tossed the blade to the side as she ran over to the stream gorging herself. "I am surprised you've lasted this long without water. My apologies I should have seen this sooner."
"No. It's alright. I've just been pushing myself. I haven't had a chance to get anything." MJ replied. "All I have is one more trial right?"
"Yes one more, and depending on how you look at this could be your easiest or your hardest battle yet."
MJ looked up a Morlun and asked, "What do you mean?"
"All I can say is let your heart fight this next battle." Morlun replied walking away.
On his throne Mephisto watched the conversation between MJ and Morlun before roaring in fury. It was his time to fight and this time it was battle where he may not return from.

Hi SuicideCrusader! This piece was posted a while ago and I see it still doesn't have any reviews! Right now most YWSers are busy with school and other things, but there are a few ways you can get more reviews. The first way is to review more yourself. Get to know people around YWS and if they like you they will want to review your stuff. Secondly you could start a club to promote your project. That way people will know when you are putting another piece up, what your plans are for the next part, and so on. You could also put a link to your piece in your signature or go to the 'Will Review For Food' forums to request reviews.

Also, before I begin I am wondering if this is a novel or a short story with a few different parts. Because if it is a novel this isn't in the right section. Just P.M. me if it is a novel and I can move it into the Fanfiction novels section.

The first thing I think you need to work on is showing not telling. There is a quote that goes: "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." ~Anton Chekhov. Chekhov is basically saying to show not tell. A lot of the time you were saying that this person did this, then that person did that. Showing not telling is just something you end up getting and then you wonder why you never did it before. You have to be the one to put it into your writing. But if you look it up on the internet I'm sure you'll find plenty of advice on how to show not tell. If you are wondering why you should show not tell the reason is pretty simple. Showing people allows for you to put more emotion into your writing, for readers to relate to your story and characters more, and it also allows for you to put more variety into your writing.

That is actually the next thing I want to talk about. Your sentence variety or more of the lack there of. If you read through your piece slowly you will notice you start a lot of sentences with 'MJ' and 'The Stone Warrior'. Then you always seem to go on to say what that character does. The way that you do it makes for a really boring read because the reader can always predict how the sentence will play out. Readers want variety of sentence structure and length.

You say:

The warrior using both arms swung the blade again at MJ only to miss again. MJ moved in again striking at the knee. The stone sparked again but remained undamaged. The two remained in the same stance with MJ striking different parts searching for a weakness. Her arms started to get tired from the swinging as her legs were slowing from the constant dodging. The stone warrior remained strong as it kept attacking pushing MJ to her limit. With another heavy swing the stone warrior knocked MJ to the ground as it moved in for the kill.

It should look more like:

The warrior, using both arms, swung the blade again at MJ only to miss. Responding MJ moved in striking at the knee; the stone sparked again but remained undamaged. They remained in the same stance with MJ searching for a weakness, but her arms ached from slashing with he heavy metal sword as her her legs were slowing from the constant dodging. The attacking never ceased though as the stone warrior didn't need to rest; he was pushing MJ to her limit. With another heavy swing he knocked MJ to the ground and moved in for the kill.

If you agree with me, this seems a bit better. Though it could still use a lot of work.

Hope I helped,

Calli

P.S. P.M. me if you have any questions.