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Obliviate- Part One



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Mon Aug 29, 2011 3:05 am
Island6 says...



Obliviate
Chapter One

As the elderly man took a small sip from his recently made tea, Healer Baggins fussed over the flowers left on his bedside table.

“Honestly, Maggie, I don’t care if they wither,” He sighed looking at the gerbera daisies that were forced into a small vase.

“Nonsense, Mr. Ventritri!” The healer replied, “These flowers are the only sort of gift given to you since you’ve arrived here. I’m not going to let them die,”

“Fine,” He sighed, “Do as you please with them. They’ll die soon enough anyways,”

Healer Baggins smiled, and continued to water the already dying plants. Little did she know, those plants had been given to her patient by a very popular wizard. A man that had changed Mr. Ventritri’s life forever.

It all started in the wizarding town, Encanto. This South American village held a large quantity of magical beasts, which was the only reason Mr. Ventritri would choose to visit such a place. He had always been fascinated in monsters, and his entire life was built around his adventures with magical beasts. He made his living writing articles for the Daily Prophet, but hardly ever makes many galleons. No, his real reason for writing is to share the world of his experiences, and enlighten them with the dangers of some of the most fascinating creatures. Despite not writing the most popular articles in the paper, Mr. Ventritri has a couple of fans. There is one young boy (Mr. Ventritri assumes he is young because of his horrid spelling/grammar), who writes to him weekly after every article he posts. Last letter the boy even stated that Acromantulas aren’t so bad once you get to know them (in reply to Mr. Ventritri’s article, “Dangerous Monsters Even I Can’t Tackle”). He seriously doubted this statement, but it gave him inspiration to research the huge spiders more.

However, upon arriving at this village, Mr.Ventritri knew something had to be wrong. The tightly-nit group of people were using their wands to put all sorts of enchantments on the area. There were around 50 wizards, all working to protect their village. The sun was falling, and people were scattering around their huts in terror.

“Don’t worry,” A father told his young daughter, “They won’t be able to get into the village tonight,”

“There were able to yesterday and the day before!” She yelled back, tears rolling down her tanned cheek, “T-t-they killed her, papá!”

“But I promise that it won’t happen to anyone else,”

“How do you know?” Demanded the daughter.

“Excuse me,” Mr. Ventritri, taping the man on the shoulder, interrupting him, “Do you happen to know where the,”

He stopped talking when he saw the look of terror on the man’s face, “Señor,” He muttered, “You must leave here,”

“Leave?”

“Yes, do not stay here any longer,”

“But why?” Mr.Ventritri questioned, and the man shuddered and ushered his daughter into his home.

“This village,” He whispered, “Is no longer safe from the man-eating spiders,”

“The Acromantulas? Surely you know how to handle those by now?”

“Sí señor, we do. Only the problem is, this time a wizard has been helping the beasts into our village. Normally they cannot get past our enchantments, but someone has betrayed us all. Someone who lives in this very village. They have let the spiders enter this village every night for the past week, breaking our charms, and forcing terror upon our village. My wife,” He whispered, so that his words were hardly auditable, “M-my wife was attacked just last night. I woke up to see the Acromantula bent over her on the other side of the blanket. Acting quickly I blasted it away with my wand, but it was too late,”

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Mr. Ventritri muttered.

The man nodded, but then continued his sad tale, “Many others have died in this village. Family, enemies, and friends. It seems nobody is able to stop them. That is why you must leave, señor,”

Bravely, Mr. Ventritri straightened his tie that stood out among the jungle village, “I’m not about to leave your village in jeopardy. You might be able to use my expertise,”

“Your expertise?” The man asked.

“Well, you see I’ve always been intrigued with monsters. In fact, I know a whole lot about them!”

“Do you think you could help guard the village tonight? Most of us men have done this over the past week, but it hasn’t helped much. The spiders have still been able to get in, despite all our efforts,”

“I’d be glad to!”

Edmond Ventritri should have backed out then and there, because little did he know, this experience would be the reason he was locked up in St. Mungos for the rest of his life.

Note from the Author: And that is the first chapter of "Obliviate!" I hope you enjoyed it so far, and please leave feedback :]
Last edited by Island6 on Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Mon Aug 29, 2011 5:43 am
Iggy says...



Hello!

Nice story you've got here! I <3 Harry Potter.

Really, my only nitpick was the fact that he was called by his first and last name. This confused me, and no doubt wil confuse the other readers. Whilebit's okay for the other characters to cal him by both, it's not okay for the author to do so. I suggest you edit the part where ypu describe his actions and pick a name.

A minor nitpick: make the chapters longer next time. This was, by far, way too short. In my opinion, make it longer please.

I loved how descriptive and beaitiful the imagery was! It made the story flow really well, especially simce you created a new town. ;)

I like this so far. Write more soon, then hit me up!

Good job. Keep writing.

- Ariel<3'
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
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Mon Aug 29, 2011 1:59 pm
Island6 says...



Haha, I just noticed that I did that XP
Thanks for pointing it out, because reading it through again, I realized it just doesn't work. I'll edit the names straight away.

I only meant this to be a short story, but then I decided I wanted it to be a little longer. Normally in my writing I make chapters much, much longer then this, but I kind of felt like ending it there ;)

I read a lot of fan fiction, and I don't come across a lot that make their own places in the Wizarding World, so I wanted to do something different! I'm glad you liked it, because I've been working on making my imagery better.

Thank you so much for reading and giving feedback!!! :D
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Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:43 pm
darknel says...



Good job on the story!!!

Keep up the good work.
  





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Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:09 pm
Deathcurrent says...



NICE! I can't wait to read the next chapter. At one point, when the daughter is asking her father something, it gets a little confusing. May want to take a look, I may be wrong! :D
“Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.” -- Spock from Star Trek

"There's power in stories. That's all history is: the best tales. The ones that last. Might as well be mine."-- Varric Tethras from Dragon Age II
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:44 pm
apple96 says...



Hi Island6

I love this, it makes a great first chapter. (It may help that I love Harry Potter)

I liked that I can get a good grasp of the kind of person that the main character is just from the first chapter.

I didn't like the fact that it was so short and that there wasn't a lot of detail in it.

- apple96
'Are you saying Ni to that old woman?'
'Yes'
'Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress in this period in history'
  





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Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:32 pm
Island6 says...



Thanks for reviewing you three :)

@Deathcurrent, being the author, everything makes sense to me. What exactly confused you? That way I can fix it.

I've been working on Part Two, but I'm not really happy with it yet so it might take a while for me to post it.
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Thu Sep 29, 2011 11:50 am
manisha says...



hi.
i am a serious fan of harry potter and it felt great reading a story connected to it.

This South American village held a large quantity of magical beasts

the word quantity sounds wrong. maybe variety/ array or even number might work better

He made his living writing articles for the Daily Prophet, but hardly ever makes many galleons

i think that should be made? tenses makes a diffrence

his real reason for writing is to share the world of his experiences

"his real reason for writing is to share the world with his experience

There were around 50 wizards, all working to protect their village

the line doesnt actually fit in.Ventritri doesnt actually know yet that the village is under attack and the people are actually trying to protect it. as the story is written from his point of view the line doesnt fuse in.


He stopped talking when he saw the look of terror on the man%u2019s face, %u201CSe%uFFFDor,%u201D He muttered, %u201CYou must leave here,%u201D

there is usage of two 'he' here which actually confuses the reader as to who the speaker is. i think that needs a bit of editing.

Mr. Ventritri straightened his tie that stood out among the jungle village,

i dont understand his line. is the tie being compared to the villagers attire?

Edmond Ventritri should have backed out then and there, because little did he know, this experience would be the reason he was locked up in St. Mungos for the rest of his life

the tense again. i am guessing it should be would.

i am sorry if you think i am pointing out the mistakes. everybody makes mistakes. amd errors occur at the time of typing. Correction leads to betterment.
hope i have helped.
on the whole loved the story.
cant wait for chapter 2.
If Novels are a bucket of imagination, Short story is a bucket of imagination made to fit a mug.
  








You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
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