As I lay in the thick grass, I couldn’t help but close my eyes. The pain was excruciating and as the dark red blood poured out from the bullet wound, it caused the energy within me to diminish. Eventually it felt as though every ounce of strength that I had left in me was one blood drop away from being obsolete. I had heard of the white light but I had never quite imagined it to be as magnificent and mesmerizing as the image before me. I was curious to see what lay beyond that point, to see if heaven was all that I had envisioned it to be.
I felt a warm hand grasping mine. A beautiful man with gentle eyes and a kind smile helped me to my feet. There was not a single doubt in my mind. I knew that this was Jesus. He looked at me smiling and with a loving voice asked, “Would you care to come for a walk with me?” Each time I looked at Him, I was filled with an indescribable peace, but His offer stilled left me baffled. How could I, the person who despite her best efforts to serve God had stumbled in her faith for what felt like far too many times go for a walk with the son of God? As I looked into His eyes calm came over me and with that, I replied, “I’d love to.”
The path we took was filled with a beauty that I had not once in my life even imagined. The flowers that grew along the foot path each held the weight of a thousand different colours. The branches above us were filled with the juiciest fruit. I was in paradise. As I looked at Jesus, I could sense His humility. He did not say much but it was his nature, the way he was that portrayed many messages. “Lord I’m sorry for not being more like you, for being selfish and only serving you to the point where I feel it is enough. I feel as though I have failed you and I just wish I could have done more for you after all that you have done for me.”, I said as I fell to my knees, sobbing excessively. He picked me up from the dirt and we began the most beautiful conversation. “Do not forget the love that God has for you. In Lamentations three from verse twenty-two it speaks about how His love never ends and how his mercy never ceases but rather begins afresh with each new morning.”
We began to speak about God’s love and for the first time I was able to understand the depth of it. We spoke about how God had felt before sending Jesus to the earth. Jesus told me how God’s people had hurt Him through their sin and that even though He loved His son; His love for His people was strong, despite what they had done. We began speaking about His time on earth. How he managed to withstand the evil that had tempted him just as often as it had been tempting me during the course of my life. Throughout our conversations I couldn’t help but ask just about a million questions. I felt like a vessel that was about to burst with curiosity. Each answer that Jesus gave was given with such wisdom; they were simple, yet so profound. There was one question though, a question that I wanted an answer to most of all and still needed to ask but felt that it needed to be asked at the right moment.
A light breeze filled the air as we continued walking along the footpath. The leaves above us echoed the gentleness of the wind as the moved with its delicate force. The most beautiful aroma of wild flowers filled my lungs with each breathe that I took. I had to stop. I needed to take the time to appreciate all that surrounded me. As I turned in every direction to admire my surroundings my eyes caught sight of a little wooden gate. It was old, covered in moss and seemed as though it had been up for many years. A plaque appeared in its centre and although it wasn’t clear at first, it the writing was made visible after I had put in a bit of effort and wiped away some of the grime. It read: “John 14:37 - ‘Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.’ “
Jesus came to me and held my hand. “It is time for you to go back home now.” I knew that I needed to ask my question then and there before it would be too late. “Jesus, would you please answer just one more question for me?” He looked at me with those same gentle eyes that seemed to be smiling and replied, “Of course.” “How were you able to endure such horrific pain and suffering for a generation of sinners that do not deserve a sacrifice of that magnitude”. His eyes met mine. He smiled, and then He gently wrapped His arms around me and calmly said “Ephesians 3 verse 18-19”
I woke up to my mother holding me tightly, delighted that I was waking up. Her eyes were moist and her smile was wider than ever before, but what stood out the most to me was the small golden cross that hung from her chain. Had I been dreaming? I felt like a little child again who had dreamt that my dad finally bought me that pony, only to wake up without one. I was happy to be alive, that was not to be doubted, but I was disappointed and wanted to go back to sleep so that I could finish my dream; I still needed the completed answer to my question. As I turned to my side trying to get more comfortable my eyes fell upon the poster that was taped to the wall in front of me. “‘And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God...’ – Ephesians 3 verse 18-19”
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