Young Writers Society

"Smokekit, Tinykit, run and fetch Littlesong!" Her mothers panicked voice confused all the kits. Ten seconds ago, Owlkit was talking to Sorrowtail about the difference between a shrew and a vole, while her brothers wrestled near the entrance of the nursery. Now they darted off to the medicine cat den, Tinykit struggling to keep up with his much faster kin. Had she said something wrong? Was Littlesong going to punish her? "Owlkit, does anything look blurry? Do your eyes hurt?" Sorrowtail asked uneasily while looking closely into her eyes. Owlkit shrunk down.

"No, I feel fine." She said in a quiet voice. A small crowd began to gather around them.

"What's wrong, Sorrowtail?" It was Tigereye who spoke. Before anyone could answer, Littlesong came rushing towards them, her brothers stumbling behind her.

"Look Littlesong, something's wrong with her eyes. They're turning a strange color in the middle." Brushing off Sorrowtail's words, the medicine cat looked in her eyes.

"Tell me Owlkit," She said in a very calm voice, "have you gotten anything in your eyes recently?"

"No Littlesong, nothing at all."

"And you feel ok? Nothing looks strange?" She stepped back, as if to let Owlkit have another look to be sure.

"No, everything looks the same."

"Then why are her eyes turning colors? And I've never seen a cats eyes naturally like that. She's nearly five moons, her color should be set." Sorrowtail protested. Her mothers insistence there was something wrong with her made her feel like a mouse that she kept trying to catch, and just kept barley slipping under paw.

"True, most kits would have their permanent color by now. But, perhaps Starclan was unsure what color truly shone through this kit's eyes."

"But why are they turning a that color?" Sundapple asked. "Sorrowtail's right, I've never seen it either."

"It's a pretty rare color, but I assure you, there is nothing unnatural about it. Owlkit's eyes will turn the color of the heather flower." Then turning to Owlkit she added, "It's a color Starclan saves for very special cats." This made Owlkit feel a little better. Littlesong had always taken an interest in her, while most the other cats acted as if there were something wrong with her. She didn't understand why her clan thought it strange she didn't want to wrestle with her brothers. They played too rough. She'd much rather chase after bugs, catching them, only to let them run off so she could get them again. Her denmate, Foxkit, told her that it wasn't normal, and that warriors had to go into battle and fight other cats.

"And warriors don't sneak out of their den every night just to go look at the stars." She said in a snarky tone. Then she added, "Maybe that’s why you don't play right, 'cuz you're too tired from staying up at night." That was one thing that really bothered her about Foxkit. She was nice most the time, but if you came to her with an issue, she had no problem telling you everything you were doing wrong, and what you needed to do to fix it. But she didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Littlesong certainly didn't either.

The first time she'd ever left the nursery, she was nearly two moons old. Sorrowtail wanted to wait for Tinykit to be a little stronger, because he was too small when kits normally got to explore the camp for the first time. Owlkit had grown too impatient to wait even the one more day, when her mother told them she would take them out at sunhigh the next day. By sunset that night, she couldn't take it anymore. She made sure to sleep on the edge of her nest, as close to the entrance of the den as she could without raising suspicions. She waited till she knew everyone was asleep, often fighting the urge to curl up next to her mothers soft pelt against the late leaf-bare winds. She kept herself awake by wondering how the wind even got in the cave walls. Her mother told her the normally the den kept warm, but it seemed on the coldest days of leaf-bare, the wind blew at just the right direction to flow straight into the nursery.

Once she heard Tigereye start to snore, she got to her paws and slipped out into the main cave. She stayed against the rock wall for a moment while her eyes adjusted to the little bit of light that poured through the cracks in the roof. She glanced around and froze when she saw the silhouette of a cat. She recognized him as Tigereye’s mate Lynxfang, and a purr rumbled in her throat as she realized he was asleep on watch.

She made her way to the gaping entrance, and walked out to the very edge of the large cliff that jutted out from the cave. She looked down, it was only a foxlength to the bottom, maybe a little more, but she knew if a kit her size fell the wrong way, she could easily break a leg.

But then she looked up, amazed. She had seen the sky in dreams before, but this was the first time she'd ever seen just how vast and beautiful it really was. She was amazed by the little twinkling lights, more than she could ever count, each seemingly brighter then the next.

"Amazing, isn't it?" The voice startled her. She turned to see the pale gray cat sitting beside her, gazing up at the sky. Without waiting for an answer to her question, she went on. "Every star in Silverpelt, is one of our warrior ancestors. That's where Starclan hunts, in Silverpelt. They watch over us, making sure our clan is well, helping us in times when we're not."

"How do you know?" Owlkit asked puzzled.

"They tell me, in dreams. All medicine cats speak with Starclan, Owlkit." She explained, never taking her eyes off the sky.

"You know my name?" An amused purr came from the cat.

"Of course, I was at your kitting." Just then, a cold wind blew all around them. Owlkit's fur was ruffled, it wasn't thick enough to keep her warm. "You should probably go back to your nest. Leaf-bare may be nearly over, but I sure don't need a sick kit in my den." Her words stung for a moment, but then she realized they weren't meant to. Owlkit crept into the cave, but once she was in the shadows, she turned to watch the cat, still watching the stars. She wondered if she was talking to Starclan right now. She kept watching, but when the next wind blew, she headed back into the nursery, and curled up close to Sorrowtail's soft belly.

The next day, when her mother took her out to meet the clan, she pretended as if nothing had happened. And when the pale gray cat came to say hello to her and her brothers, Sorrowtail introduced them.

"And this is Littlesong, she's the clan medicine cat." Owlkit worried what she would tell her mother about her being out at night.

"Good to see you all out of the nursery." She purred, turning to Tinykit she added, "and good to see he's starting to catch up with his littermates." Owlkit knew she was exaggerating, she and her brother were still much bigger than Tinykit. But it seamed to make him feel better amongst all the cats who towered over him, so she said nothing. Her mother chatted with Littlesong about the early come of newleaf, and then she lead them away, to see their father, Crowfang. Owlkit was glad Littlesong had said nothing to Sorrowtail of her adventure.

"I'm glad my kit's ok." Owlkit was thrown back into the present when Sorrowtail sat beside her, wrapping her tail around the kit to draw her closer.

"Well you were fine to worry." Tigereye said, as the clan went back to whatever they had been doing. "If I thought my kit might go blind, I'd be terrified for her." Sorrowtail nodded her head.

"I think we've all had enough excitement for the day." her mother said, as she flicked her tail towards the nursery, signaling them to go inside. Owlkit trotted alongside her mother and behind her she heard Smokekit whining to Tinykit,

"No fair, Littlesong called her special. We're special too!" She thought to herself as she slipped into the den, am I really special? Or are they just trying to make me feel better for being mousebrained?

I've always been a fan of warriors fanfiction, and I think you did a great job of recreating the clans and creating your cat characters.

I liked it overall, but I didn't quite get into her little flash black. At first I was confused as too why it was there. As I read further I decided it was probably important ,but it might help if you built up to it a little more or if you added more detail too it.
It also might be helpful if you have some distinction between the flashback and the present, a little extra space between the paragraphs would be fine.
I really liked the way you did it, it reminded me of Erin Hunter(or which ever two do the writing).
Is this end of your little story here, or do you have more?
again, great job!

Thanks for the reveiw. ^-^ I definatly agree on how there should be more space between the flashback, infact the document that its saved to my computer, there is, but I hadn't realized that there wasn't any on here. As for there being more, this is actually the first part of a story I'm writing with one of my friends, where she writes one chapter from her cats point of view, and I write one from mine. (but this one is completly mine) I don't know weather or not I'll post anymore from this one, because it is going to be group effort. But, we'll see.

Hello and thanks for requesting a review,
I am not familiar with this fanfiction, so I won't be able to comment on the characters or related things of that nature. What I can do is pick grammatical errors. On with your review:

"And you feel ok? Nothing looks strange?"

Because you are starting your dialogue with a conjunction there should be a comma after and. Conjunctions include any of these words when followed by a comma combining two complete sentences: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So.

And I've never seen a cats eyes naturally like that.

The and in the beginning of this sentence is not needed. Take it out. Try your hardest not to use a conjunction at the beginning of a sentence because it makes your sentence into a fragment instead.

She's nearly five moons, her color should be set."

These are two complete sentences, so that comma should be a semi-colon(;). A semi-colon connects complete sentences together without a conjunction.

"True, most kits would have their permanent color by now. But, perhaps Starclan was unsure what color truly shone through this kit's eyes."

Replace the period after now with a comma and lower case the b in but.

"But why are they turning a that color?"

Change the word but to the word then and add a comma after it so that you are not starting a sentence with a conjunction.

"Sorrowtail's right, I've never seen it either."

That comma should be a semi-colon because these are complete sentences.

"And warriors don't sneak out of their den every night just to go look at the stars."

Take away the word and and capitalze the w in warriors.

But she didn't think there was anything wrong with it.

Change but to the words even though and add a comma after though. Change the pronoun she to the kats name because it's getting a little confusing on who you are talking about.

But then she looked up, amazed.

Take away the word but and capitalize the t in the word then, so that you aren't starting a sentence with a conjunction.

"How do you know?" Owlkit asked puzzled.

There needs to be a comma after asked.

The next day, when her mother took her out to meet the clan, she pretended as if nothing had happened. And when the pale gray cat came to say hello to her and her brothers, Sorrowtail introduced them.

Replace the period after happened with a comma and lower case the a in and.

"And this is Littlesong, she's the clan medicine cat."

Take away the and and capitalize the t in this.

Owlkit knew she was exaggerating, she and her brother were still much bigger than Tinykit. But it seamed to make him feel better amongst all the cats who towered over him, so she said nothing.

Seemed is spelled with two e's, and replace the period after Tinykit with a comma and lower case the b in but.

Owlkit trotted alongside her mother and behind her she heard Smokekit whining to Tinykit,

There should be a comma after mother because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

This was a cute read, and I wish I knew what it was about. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Good start, though perhaps you could mention the Clan's name. If the nursery is in a cave, then it's obviously not in the forest; is it, perhaps, old SkyClan?

First off, there were a lot of grammer and punctuation errors within the short story. You used unnessecery words and phrases when they would only confuse the reader. I don't want to point out all the errors. I just want to point out the general area in which you need to improve. The story itself is very well plotted out, but the quality of writing is bringing down the quality of the entire piece itself. There were several times when you used a conjuction to start a sentence, which turns the sentence into a fragment. Also, since this is a Warriors fan fiction, you should try to fit info on the Clan such as name, territory, special skills, and relation with another Clan(if there is one) into the story line so the reader can get a better perspective on the story and the characters themselves. Hope this helped.

Hey there!

I'm finally here to review for you, sorry for being late!
Now, let's get started, this review is going to be a quick one, not too long since I don't really have the patience at this hour. Well, I'll be reviewing this as I read.

We'll start off with your introduction that you had to this story. I thought it was too many names cramped into a beginning with no real solid reference as to who the characters are so it's kind of confusing, not to mention the names aren't normal human names. Perhaps you should slow down the beginning for instead of saying names, tell us who says what, such as mom, sister, or something.

As far as the eye color for Owlkit goes, it suddenly becomes obvious that this cat is special. Sure, you're going to have something like this but I'd rather not show this in the beginning, it ruins the effect, makes it seem cliche and predictable almost.

The further I read into this, the more and more I drown in all the names that you have. You possibly don't expect us to remember all of these do you? Because, right now, I can barely remember her siblings names. Also, what's the cat's gender? I don't know if it's a boy or a girl... Maybe I missed something but make the gender a little more obvious too.

And the ending, well, it seemed like an odd place to end it off but it's your call. Also, you have a lot of names and places you mentioned like starclan, silverpelt - I feel like they're important and will add to the story in the future so I wanted more information about them. Perhaps you decided not to this on purpose, it was a big chapter to take in anyway, considering all that did happen, you wouldn't want to slow down the pace with information that could wait.

An other thing that I want to say, which has also already been mentioned before, is the fact that you'll need to work on your grammar and punctuation. If you're having a difficult time with it, you can always seek help from the community forums, they have a section for grammar research and help, go there and you get a simplified view of most of the common punctuation rules and such and such.

Overall, this seems like a cute story, interesting and it reminds me of Guardians of Ga'hoole - that book/movie with the owls going on a little adventure to save the world or something. Anyway, keep writing and if you have any questions, I'm just a quick PM away!

Good luck,
-Pink

Hey! I quite liked this. Of course, my bias, since I'm still a pretty strong Warriors fan, could be totally showing, but so far it seems interesting. I'm already interested in how the lives of the kits will go, especially Owlkit and Tinykit. There's plenty already there for you to work with for continued character building and plot building.

Sadly, as mentioned, there were grammar errors, but I think the others have that covered, so I'll let that slide.

Anyway, I hope you continue this. It's really awesome and I'm totally being silly and thinking you totally will continue this, even though this was in the short story section. So, yes--can't wait for hopeful potential new chapters or anything else you pull out your sleeve! (Especially if it relates to any of my fandoms.)

Small Suggestion: Add more detail. I particularly love the earlier Warriors books for that.

I really enjoyed reading your Fanfiction! I'm a lover of the Warrior Cats series, and I love how your writing reminds me of the series. I now have the urge to read one of the books now. I noticed a few grammatical and spelling errors here and there, but the others appear to have pointed those out already. Also, to make it more like the actual Warriors series, I recommend adding more details whether it's on the cat's features or simply the layout of the camp. This piece has got me interested and I hope to read the next installment! Keep writing~!