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Uninvited.



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Sat Apr 24, 2010 9:25 am
whatevr says...



So me and my friend wrote a scene from 'The Uninvited' to be judged by our other friend. I Hope you enjoy. (EDIT: here is a rough idea of what i wrote :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_i84DsfRzXs )

A trail of blood lead my way to the rubbish bin by the side of the house. Trying not to puke I walked foreward. I lifted the bin lid with my pale hand. A black bag lay at the top. Clenching my hand around the plastic, I pulled the bag away.
Rachel's body lay there, bloody and beaten.
"Aahh!" I let the lid fall shut.
Alex came from the shadows.
"Anna, we tried everything. This was the only way."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"I had to, Anna, didn't I?" was all she said.
"Alex! What did you do?"
"She would have killed us, Anna! I had to!" I grabbed her into a tight hug, not caring about the blood stains that would appear on my white night gown.
Dad's car pulled up. He got out and looked at me with surprise.
"Anna, what's going on? Are you okay?" he said.
"It was Rachel, Dad, Rachel started the fire. She killed Mom! She drugged me and she drugged Alex." He looked at me in horror.
"What?"
"Alex had to do it, she saved us!"
"Alex?"
"Alex, tell him!" I pleaded.
"Anna what are you saying?" Dad asked.
"He can't see, Anna, he never will." Alex said.
"You know what happened to your sister."
"Tell him, Alex!"
"Don't believe him." She said.
"She died, in the fire."
"No!" I scream.
"Alex is dead!" My eyes bulged. I looked down at my hand and the bloody knife cradled on it.
"Anna! What have you done?" He yelled.

It all came flooding back.

*

"Get off me!" I almost screamed at Matt. Angry, I ran from the beach to the house.
Passing Dad's door I heard moaning and kissing. I knelt down and peeped through the key hole. Rachel was on top of Dad and he was kissing back.

I sped down to the boat house.
"Bye bye, Rachel." The supply rooms door was unlocked. Hands in fists, I stormed in. Grabbing a rusty bucket from the floor I turned the gas tap on and filled it to the brim.
"Great party, right?" Alex chimed from the door. I pressed the tap lever shut, but I swear it sounded like it was dripping. I stormed out not bothering to talk to Alex. As the door slammed the dim candle fell off the window sil.
I sped up the grassy hill from the boat house, ready to douse Dad's door in petrol. A bright fiery ball exploded from the boat house engulfing everything in a fifteen metre radius in flames.
"Alex! Mom!"

*

"Alex?" I said. I followed her to the glass door. She disappeared into the dark. As I stepped to where she was the security light flashed on. Alex was gone and I was bloody and holding the knife. Everything from the past couple of weeks flashed by. Every time I thought I had seen Alex was a lie, a pigment of my imagination. I had killed Mom, Alex, Matt, and Rachel. Me. It was all my fault.
Last edited by whatevr on Sun Apr 25, 2010 1:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
Literally whatevr
  





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Sat Apr 24, 2010 2:22 pm
ZebraSkittles says...



Wow. That was amazing. I loved this!!!
~Cassi
Try smiling in the rain. When you are sad. It's harder than it looks.
~Cassi (me)
  





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Sat Apr 24, 2010 9:25 pm
curiousvampire says...



Wicked scary! This was great, edgy, eerie and terrifyingly beautiful in other words I thought it was brilliant. You captured the movie mood and characters perfectly in this piece and it flowed consistently. I spotted no mistakes whatsoever and now that I'm finish devouring your story I'm on to another. Thank you for the read. :)
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."
  





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77 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 9561
Reviews: 77
Sun Apr 25, 2010 1:00 am
whatevr says...



EDITED*
Literally whatevr
  








Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.
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