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House of Night- Bitten



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Sun Mar 14, 2010 6:04 pm
MysticalBlood says...



This is quite long, i have trouble with tenses, and if you notice me jumping back between past and present, please spot it for me. And don't let the fact that it's long put you off. reviews would help! Thanks. :elephant:


:elephant: :elephant: The day I was marked was the worse day ever. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the moment my head split in two as I slipped into unconsciousness. It seems like all my worse fears have been stacked in a catastrophic pile in front of me. If I dare to straighten them, they’ll fall and crash. It wouldn’t be a good thing.
I’m condemned to a world of misery and possible death. As I sit here in my dorm room, staring out of my window and into the courtyard of the House of Night, tears prick my eyes and slide down my cheeks. My reflection scares me, pale white skin, smooth and perfect. Flawless.
I refuse to look at the crescent moon marked on my forehead. It reveals me for who I am, what I am, and what I’m going to become. A vampyre. That is, unless my body rejects the change into a vampyre. What I do understand is that someone important here has recently died… or… well… something has happened. Rumours spread like wildfire here, and all the time, I swear they change.
The school of the House of Night is a dark place. It looks like a castle and sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of Tulsa. Candle flames light the corridors and the hallways are tall. Too many bad things have happened here… from what I hear; a fallen angel has been here. I understand from what people have told me that he was pretty hot. Details are sketchy. I can’t imagine him if all people told me about him was that they go coo coo over him and dream about him every night. I do laugh to myself sometimes, but I never seem to understand anything. I feel so dumb compared to everyone else. They know so much and I just… don’t. My roommates aren’t especially helpful, they just laugh and talk and whisper about Kalona, the fallen angel. They’re doing that now as I stare out the window. One of them has long blonde hair and is quite tall, she’s called Mary-Lee; her best friend is quite small and has auburn hair and is called Freya. I do try and talk to them, but they don’t really want to involve me.
“Grace?”
I turn to face the person who had pulled me out of my deep thoughts. Freya.
“Yes?” I reply trying to smile, but all that I can create is a wonky cross between a smile and a frown.
“Are you ok? You’re crying,” Freya rises to her feet and comes to make sure I’m ok.
I wipe the tears from my cheeks and sniff.
“I’m fine,” I say quickly. Trying to cover myself up, I raise my hands and place them on my cheeks, leaning on my elbows.
Freya looks unsure then puts her arm around me. “I don’t think you are Grace. It’s ok to cry, I did,”
Thankful for her concern, I gulp and lower my hands. “Thanks,” I stifle back a sob and stare over her shoulder at Mary-Lee. “I appreciate your concern.”
Freya hugs me and pulls away; she stares into my eyes, then at my mark and grins. “Your mark looks different than everyone else’s, I don’t know how, it just does,”
Freya turns, leaving me quite puzzled and confused as she resumes her conversation with Mary-Lee, who giggles as Freya whispers something in her ear.
That was weird; I don’t know why Freya decided to talk to me. Maybe she just wanted to gain my trust for some evil scheme of hers. There’s no time to be so paranoid. I need to face the world, embrace the fact I could drop dead any minute. I could suddenly fall fatally ill and die. First, I’d get a banging headache, then I’d start to feel slightly sick… and then… then I’d cough up blood and die.
I have heard of the red fledglings, they are ones who have died from not making the change, and come back from an evil vampyre called Neferet. People say she isn’t evil, but someone who supported somebody by the name of Zoey told me that she was, and that she was the reason for Kalona’s return. But I don’t really remember her; she was just sat next to me in one of my lessons.
Mary-Lee coughs behind me, I look at her and she is looking back at me. (Great way to get my attention.)
“I know why your mark is different,” Mary-Lee says, speculating me. “It’s narrower, and it has a thin border around it which looks slightly orange… but I’m not so sure about that part… the colour might be wrong.”
I raise my eyebrows and stand up. “Well then… one more thing which will worry my socks off,”
“Why?” Mary-Lee asks.
“I’m a vampyre, the whole world despises us, ever since vampyres went international, everybody’s been scared shitless. I was one of those everybody’s. Now I have to feed on my own fear. I hate this! I barely know anything about vampyres!” I stomp past Mary-Lee and Freya who are stunned. They don’t say anything. Just stare wide-eyed as I slump onto my bed and cry even harder. I look around myself and spot my glass of water on my bedside table. Reaching for it I sniff and wipe my cheeks with my spare hand. I lift the cup to my lips, and gasp when all I feel is a cold smooth surface brush against my lips. I frown and stare down into the cup. The water has frozen.
Shock, I gulp and tuck a strand of hair behind my ears. My hand feels cold against the cup, numbly cold. I drop the glass. It doesn’t smash.
“Oh my goddess,” I squeak as Freya sucks in a deep breath. “What did I just do?”
Freya runs to my side and wraps an arm around me. “Nyx has gifted you!”
I look up and stare into Freya’s joy filled eyes as she squeaks in happiness.
Nyx is the goddess of night whom vampyres worship. Vampyres are her children. She gifts some of her children, occasionally with elements and the vampyres learn how to use it, how to control it.
Confusion. I don’t know what to do. Do I have a power? Why the hell did I just freeze a glass of water? Mary-Lee doesn’t do anything; she just stares at the cup with wide eyes, her jaw dropping open.
“That’s amazing!” Mary-Lee suddenly says, stunning me, as she hasn’t spoken to me at all until now. She runs to the cup, lifts it up and examines it in the light. “Neferet has gifted you! Be proud!”
I stare in shock. “What? Neferet isn’t Nyx! You’re confused!”
Mary-Lee shakes her head, eyes filled with a dangerous light. “No no no… see! Neferet is Nyx.”
Shaking my head, I raise my eyebrows and bite back a scream. “No she isn’t! I know this! I don’t know how but I know this… I can feel it in my gut…”
Mary-Lee laughs hysterically. “You believe me don’t you Freya? You know Neferet is Nyx, don’t you?”
I sense Freya’s hesitation. “No. She isn’t. Those rumours are lies Mary-Lee. I thought you were smarter than this!”
Mary-Lee’s eyes narrow and she purses her lips, frowning. “You stupid bitch! Who said she wasn’t?”
Freya lets go of me; she stomps towards Mary-Lee and slaps her. “You’re the stupid bitch! Snap out of it! DAMN YOU!”
Mary-Lee rubs her cheek and licks her lips. I see a flash of sadness in her eyes as a tear pricks her eye. But what I saw was gone in an instant. She pushes Freya and hisses. “Fools!”
She turns her back towards us and stomps towards her bed. She sits down, grabs a tissue from her tissue box and wipes her forehead. A red mark is revealed.
“Mary-Lee?” Freya sucks in a deep breath and collapses onto my bed. I don’t understand, I try to make out the red mark on Mary-lee’s forehead… it’s… no… it’s can’t be.
“You’re a red fledgling?” I gasp.
“Yes,” Mary-Lee cackles and reveals a pair of deadly sharp fangs. “I prefer the tunnels of Tulsa, but what can I say?”
Freya grips my shoulder. “Goddess… Grace?”
I look at Freya. “Yeah?”
“Freeze,” she whispers in my ear.
“What?” I squeal. “I hardly know her! Or you! Plus I don’t even know how to control my powers!”
“Having a bit of trouble?” Mary-Lee sneers. “I’m lusting for a bit of blood, and I could do with a bit of crimson blood to quench my taste buds.”
Freya stands slowly and blinks a few times. “I can’t believe it. You died?”
Mary-Lee stands by us in less than a second. She moved so fast. “Yes,” she says licking her sharp fangs. “I died and Neferet brought me back. It’s amazing to be a red fledgling. I love the desire to kill, even if not slightly frustrating by the fact that I have to stay sane and fight back the desire to rip your head off.”
Freya wipes tears from her eyes. “I don’t understand… you were always anti Neferet. You… I’ve been best friends with you since the day I was marked!”
Mary-Lee lets out another chilling laugh. “Of course, I died in the arms of Neferet. Nobody knew. She masked up my death. She brought me back. She fed me.”
Freya looks as if she’s holding back the urge to throw up, as am I. I want to stop Mary-Lee before she harms us; I want to protect my new friend. I want to make sure Mary-Lee is stopped.
“Stop it!” I below as Mary-Lee begins open her jaw to reveal deadly fangs. Mary-Lee sticks her bottom lip out and sniffs. Fake.
“But… but… I was having so much fun,” Mary-Lee reached strokes my jaw with her finger and licks her lips. “I can see the vein I want to pierce. Right there… mmmm.”
I shudder. Just as I Begin to raise my arm to whack her hand away, she grips it tightly and breathes on my neck.
“Your blood is dark and filled with hatred. I can sense it,”
I try to move, but I’m numb with fear. Vampyres shouldn’t kill vampyres… that isn’t right… “I…”
“Shut up,” Mary-Lee says, and she sinks her fangs into my neck.


:elephant:
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...
  





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Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:50 pm
seana says...



this is quite good...if there was one bad thing it would be that is draged a weeny bit... but this great keep it up :D :elephant:
  





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Thu Apr 01, 2010 9:34 pm
midnightread says...



Hi MysticalBlood
I like this a lot but I don't recognise the book that the ideas are from.
It does jump tenses but that makes it good as she is remembering what happened to her.
Can you pm me when you post more?
midnightread :elephant:
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Wed Apr 07, 2010 11:20 am
Rulani says...



Bre, I enjoy your style, it`s not too heavy and if I must be honest, it drags a bit and you`ve over look a little thing about how words flow. Word flow, as I call it has the ability to create a sence were things don`t appear to drag. Example this sentence: Freya lets go of me; she stomps towards Mary-Lee and slaps her. “You’re the stupid bitch! Snap out of it! DAMN YOU!”
I think your constat use of articles kills the word flow you created in the opening lines of the story and this makes it drag a bit.
Appart from that it`s a cool story, good use of puncuation and I mast ask, what heppends next?
  





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Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:34 am
MysticalBlood says...



ok, i never normally drag things out, it's just when i don't it seems too rushed. i guess i can't do either. thanks anyway. :)
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...
  





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Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:15 pm
ILoveNYC2 says...



That was really good! I read those books, so I understand what you're talking about. It was written very well, but dragged out a little. Keep on writing! I can't wait to read more!
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway." -anonymous
  





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Wed Jul 21, 2010 7:31 pm
greenwitch94 says...



its ok. i mean its not bad but its very much like a bad version of the the first book.
why does her mark have to different?, why cant she be an ordinary fledgling at a different house of night?
like the one in chicago? or italy? or some where besides tulsa?
  








I was flummoxed by fractious Franny's decision to abrogate analgesics for the moribund victims of the recent conflagration. Of course, to display histrionics was discretionary, but I did so anyways, implicating a friend in my drama to make the effect cumulative. I think a misanthrope would have a prosaic appellation, perhaps one related to autonomy and the rejection of anthropocentrism. I think they wouldn't think much of the prominence of watching the coagulation of tea to prognosticate future malevolent events, not even if those events were related to jurisprudence.
— Spearmint