Young Writers Society

Ok if you want to review this go to the fanfiction novel section. i accidentally posted the others there so just to keep it all together in one place i put this over there.
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My family and I had just moved to the United States from Ireland, because Mom had gotten a job as a secretary at the World Trade Center,and had just gotten settled into our new home a few days before. It was my first day at my new school and I couldn't get Mom's words out of my head:"Brigid, look, I get the feeling you're going to have a hard time adjusting. And unfortunately, I can't go with you," she kissed my forehead "So here." She handed me a silver Celtic pendant "I can't be with you at school and sometimes I can't always be there physically. Take this and know, I'm always in here." She touched her finger to my heart. "Love you," she whispered. Later on that day in my third grade class, I was coming back from the restroom and I passed the staff room and saw the World Trade Center attack. As I watched in horror as the planes hit the towers one after the other, I swore i could hear my mother's screams. So many people died that day including Mom. Amidst all the rubble her body was never found. I remember how hard it was on Dad and I to hear that news. Especially with me being an only child. After Mom died and Dad went to work I barely made it through school.

Heya! Hero here to review...

Okay, there's not much for me to review and (a) I haven't read The Legion of Superheroes comics so... it'll pretty much be a content review.

Problems:

Okay, so you've told us about your character here and her beginning, but I think something like this might better be suited as the synopsis on the back of a book. If I was you I'd rather lengthen this and express some emotion with you character. Right now, she's just telling us something, am I meant to be sad for her mother? You need to make this scene, if it is a memory, much more dynamic and actioned and sad.
If you want to, I'd recommend having your MC playing in (what grade is this?) kindergarten if it is so. Then have her wander into the staff room, to find all the teachers crowded around the TV. She notices the trade center, she notices the plane. BOOM! And she swears she can hear her mother's screams. She runs off.

Nit-Picks:
Your Writing could have improved in certain areas:

Celticmusicgirl wrote:I remember it as if it were yesterday.

I know what your expecting... yeah. It is too common. It's not a very good start to a story. Your very first line should be as invigorating and exciting as possible if only to get you to the next paragraph. I think this could turn someone off, especially if this piece were longer. Rather leave out the line altogether.

I think you should just read through this, there were like... three or so mistakes which counts against you Just another fun part of writing.

Celticmusicgirl wrote:Brigid, i get the feeling you are going to have a hard time adjusting to your new school. But since i can't be with you at school, I want you to have this

You could have made this really deep, really tense so that we so know something bad'll happen. Yeah, I was already expecting it but still...

"Brigid, look, I get the feeling you're going to have a hard time adjusting. And unfortunately, I can't go with you," she kissed my forehead "So here." She handed me, a golden Celtic pendant "I can't be with you at school and sometimes I can't always be there physically. Take this and know, I'm always in here." She touched her finger to her heart. "Love you," she whispered.

Could've worked better.

Praise:

It might contradict agains what I said, but I like this because it was simple and you didn't try to hide that. So if you do choose to make it longer, that's okay too. Anyway, I also like where this is going and it actually does (I wikipediaed) sound like something that could work for this fanfic. Well done

Tips:
Add more emotion
Change to narative form from memory form
Use exciting words and verbs
Keep it up!

Well, there you go. Well done, and bye...

so in the begining just start with the family moving to the U.S. or what do you think would be a good starting sentence? This is based on the T.V. series btw.

Hey Celtic! Stella here, as requested!

I'm not familiar with the TV series, you'll have to forgive me, but I'll try my best.

I. NITPICKS

My family and I had just moved to the United States from Ireland,

Firstly, you're starting in the pluperfect which is a bit odd, and secondly, infodump! Why not explain a bit later?

It was my first day at my new school and i couldn't get

I.

She handed me, a silver Celtic pendant

Why the comma? And full stop at the end.

Later on that day in my kindegarden class,

kindergarten.

I was coming back from the restroom and i passed the staff room and saw the world trade center attack.

I should be capital, as should World Trade Center.

For amidst all the ruble her body was never found.

For doesn't seem to be the right word here. And "rubble."

II. OVERALL

This is too short to have many specific issues with. I feel you could expand a lot more, give us some insight into their lives. Does Brigid have brothers and sisters? How are they faring? How does school go? You have so much room here for detail! We can't really get much emotional feel for her out of this single paragraph and also, it's kind of boring. Make it longer, make it exciting, make us live those moments with her. This could be pages and pages long- it doesn't have to be, but any more detail would be an improvement.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x