Young Writers Society

Isabella Lola Aguero, was born into a poor family, in Tupiza, Bolivia, she was one of eight children, she was also the last born. her mother takes care of them and her father works in a factory in La paz. when she turned five, her mother fell ill, she had a rare disease called atorvastatin, she couldn't breath so the eldest of her children ran to the doctors office. the doctor was a good friend of their's, so the doctor and the eldest son got on his horse, and rode back to their house, they got there and saw that she was till breathing, but they where too late cause she was going into cardiac arrest, the doctor tried his best to revive her, but there was nothing he could do. she died. the doctor looked at the kids and said, lo siento. he picked up the body and took her to the mortuary. he then sent someone to inform the father. when the father got this message at La paz, he lost his mind, his eyes got blurry, and his legs got weaker. a lady worker saw him and worked up to him, she shoved him from behind, he lost his balance, and fell into the meat grinder. she screamed for help, but it was too late, all you could see is blood and organs, coming out the other end. the message got to the kids, and they all started crying. their uncles and aunties, came over to split the kids up and take them to their places. everyone was split up, Isabella went with an auntie.

Isabella's aunt took good care of her, but when she turned eight, everything went downhill. her aunt said to her, "Isabella you are becoming a woman, you have a pretty body, you could make a lot of money for us both." Isabella did not understand, so the aunt took her to her place of work. when they both got there Isabella was in shock, she saw naked women and girls, as young as her age and as old as her aunt, who is 29. fondling with perverted men who were as old as her father, who was 41. her aunt said, "Isabella, I'm getting too old for this, when I turn 30 I'll be of age." Isabella could not speak, she was too frightened. the boss of the work place saw Isabella and worked up to her squatted and said, "hey little girl, want to participate?" Isabella looked into his evil eyes, and moved back and grabbed her aunt. the boss grinned, stood up, grabbed Isabella by the arms. and took her to his office. the aunt cried but there was nothing she could do. Isabella yelled for her aunt, but her aunt needed the money.

when they got into the office Isabella was forced to do things that were not to be done to a child, she was beating and raped. he then took her to a cell. she was locked in with a boy called Djibril. she was scared and confused. she looked around and saw that there were more kids around her. a boy in the other cell said out loud, "look everyone another scapegoat has come to join us. everyone laughed. djibril yelled, ''you fools, we are all scapegoats." they all kept quiet. he looked at Isabella and said, "don't worry I will protect you."

years past, they were now both thirteen, Isabella was now the master of her domain, and djibril was a tall boy who watched the people who came in. until one day, when a couple of men came in, one called Kamii, and the other called Baal. they went in and started doing mystical tricks, and witchcraft. when they were done they looked at the kids and said to them, "one day you kids can be doing this to." the kids were excited, but the boss was not. he yelled to his bouncers. "get rid of them. baal was pissed, he said a word, and the place got on fire. the boss saw what happened and ran out of the building. everyone started to panic, kamii said, "follow me." djibril followed, he looked back and saw that Isabella was already swapping spit with baal. he yelled, "Isabella what are you doing." kamii yelled at baal, "she is a child." baal looked at kamii and said,"a child who already knows what she wants, she wants a man with power, a man who could careless about this world, she wants a man like me." Isabella looked at djibril and gave an evil grin. baal said a word and they both disappeared. kamii looked at djibril and said, "I'm sorry." djibril said. "I don't care." kamii said a word and they both vanished. the place was empty, and the place burnt down.

Is this a joke? I assume it is. Sorry if it's not.

The presentation of this alone is quite dreadful. I understand that you're new, so here's a few basic tips to clean up your writing.

Proofread - a lot.

Use a spellchecker to fix the spelling, YWS has a complimentary one, right above where you type in your story.

Make sure every name and sentence starts with a capital letter.

Split it into more paragraphs. The bulk is offputting and tedius to read.

Regardless of the quality of writing, if you can't sort out these basic things, nobody is going to take your writing seriously.

Hope this helps.

I do not think this is bad, though, I do think the grammar needs to be checked. You ignored Capital letter where they should have been, and placed way to many commar's in your text where they could've been forgotten.

I'm not going to be as harsh as the first reviewer, but I do think you should listen to some of the things recommended. In saying this, I do not believe that this peice is half bad, and with a little tweaking it can really shine.

Keep writing with this, I think it has great potential.