Young Writers Society

I stood there, looking at the enemy attacking her. She was going through pain and suffering from his jutsus and I stood there, stiffed as a wooden board. I wanna help her.....I wanna save her....I want....Hinata Hyuga.

Hinata....Hinata is always helping me, even though she is weak and cannot fight on her own. Hinata keeps getting beaten down by the enemy....Pain... Hinata kept getting up...I want her run...run away from Pain. Pain jabbed her....jabbed her in her heart... I widened my eyes as Hinata fainted on the ground. "H-Hinata!?!? Hinata!!!" Hinata was panting....slowly. She was injured pretty badly. Why didn't she run? Why didn't she stay away? Hinata turned to me, with blood running on her beautiful face..she was smiling...smiling at me. "N-Naruto? Did I do good? I never gave up....You...You kept me going..Naruto..." I gasped. What she talking about.....I kept her going....? "Naruto....you inspired me....you inspired me to keep going and never run away..that's why...I admired you from the very start..because..because you brave to do things that are....complicated. That's why....I love you. I love you with all my heart......Naru....to....." Hinata fainted....she died..right in front of me. "H-Hinata? Hinata? No...you can't be.....NO! NO! Hinata!!" I ran up to her, crying....tears falling down her bloody face. "Hinata...I....I love you too.....with all my heart..." I gave her a kiss on her beautiful lips and I stared at Pain....the one who killed my one true love. I will kill him...i kill him....HERE...NOW!!


TO BE CONTINUED.......

Hello, Tashi! Loveless here!

You used these ---> "..." way to much. There is a such thing called a comma, it can replace those many times in your story. The plot was good I suppose, but you just need to edit this a bit. You use the wrong tense on some occasions -something that can be easily fixed. I must say, you remind me a lot of my friend Natasia Case, she loves Hinata too, and Naruto. Now, if this was about South Park I would be fully convienced that you were actually her. Anyway, this has the potential to be a very kick-ass story. With a little editing this can be amazing. Good luck!

Big kiss, class dismissed!
Muffins 'n' Machine Guns