Ridiculous parody-fanfic of Twi-obsessed fangirl. I wrote about a year ago, when I was still into hating Twilight and everything to do with it. I don't really need reviews, but I'd like to see what you guys think about this insane piece of whatever.
“Hey, Nikki, you wanna come see This is Just Another Disaster Movie Where Everyone Dies and Huge Things Fall Over On Top of Screaming Pedestrians, And I Think Aliens Invade with Jen and me? It like, just came out in theatres!”
“Oh, no, thanks. Like, I already made plans to go out with Edward tonight.”
“Nikki, your boyfriend’s name is Jason. How many times do I have to remind you—”
“No, not him! Edward, Edward Cullen, Maddy.”
“Oh, so you’re flying out to Forks to like, stalk an imaginary vampire?”
“Dammit, Maddy, he’s real! We saw him coming out of the supermarket like two days ago, and go across the street to that one hotel.”
“That wasn’t Edward Cullen, that was Rob—”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up! He was Edward Cullen, and he always fucking will be!”
One bus-ride and twenty minutes later…
“Ohmygawd, ohmygawd, ohmygawd! Here he comes! I should totally go talk to him. Ohmygawd, look at that car! It’s even better than a shiny Volvo!”
Watching ‘Edward Cullen’ walk towards his car from behind a pitifully small bush, Nikki argues with herself…
“If I go up to him now, he’ll be all mad that I kept him from going like, wherever he’s like, going to. Ohmygawd, he’s so hot! I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”
Nine days and nine ‘tomorrows’ later…
“Today I’m gonna talk to him, as soon as he comes out of those doors…ohmygawd, there he is! Ohymgawd, those gold door thingies so accent his topaz eyes, even though I can’t be sure because I’m too far away to see them. I wonder where he finds like, mountain lions around here…ohmygawd, he’s coming this way! Ohmy…”
“Listen, I’ve no idea why you’re hiding behind that bush, or why you have been the past nine days, but if it has anything to do with thinking I’m Edward Cullen, then—”
“Ohmygawd, you do have like, a sorta accent like they said. Like, how’d you know I was here?”
“That bush isn’t exactly—”
“Ohmygawd, stupid me! I like, totally forgot for a second that you’re like, a vamp! So like, are you doing anything tonight?”
He looks as if he might be suppressing a shudder.
“Not…yet. But I—listen, Miss-whoever-you-are. I’m not Ed—”
“Ohmygawd, d’you mean Eddie’s restaurant, down the street? Oh, ew, I don’t like that place either. How about that other place, by the supermarket?”
Long, phenomenally exasperated sigh.
“Um, sure. Now?”
“Yeah, like, why not?”
One car ride, five minutes of senseless chatter and an order of two cheeseburgers later…
“So, like, what d’you like, do in your spare time, Edward?”
Torn between terrifying and boring her to death, he finally replies, with a gusty sigh:
“Spare time? I don’t have any spare time! I hardly have any time at all! Alice is constantly reminding me to Turn Bella, and Bella won’t do anything but give me those freaky bedroom eyes. She’s crazy! She’s a whore! And don’t get me started on Carlisle; he never stops his droning about responsibilities and choices and—”
He pauses, looking very pointedly at the pretty waitress as she walks up with their dinner.
“Oh, thanks.”
Chomp-slurp, slurp-slurp-slurp.
“Heyyy. I thought—you’re a vampire, you can’t eat! At least, not so loudly.”
He ignores her, continues eating in the most determinedly messy way.
“Anyways. And then there’s Esme. You think she’s the best mother ever? Hah, every time I walk in the door after school, she just looks at me with those big gold eyes, like I did something horrible just by existing. I mean, what is that even about?”
“Hey, Edward, if I could—”
“That’s not even the worst of it, either. Rosalie corners me, every chance she gets, and starts her own lecture about how if she’d had the choice, she would’ve been married and dead about a million years ago. Don’t ask me what that means, though, I never listen long enough to find out. And why do people have to think so much? I get a headache the moment I walk into school, and it doesn’t go away all day!”
“Yeah, well, like, if you’re done, I wanted to—”
“You wanted to ask about Jasper? Oh my God, what a baby! He can’t hardly go anywhere without going mental about some person walking past him. The kid’s got no self-control, and when Alice isn’t talking about Turning Bella, she’s telling everyone how much Jaspy has progressed since she found him in that crappy bar somewhere in Mexico, or something. And I swear, if I hear Emmett make one more joke about Bella and her stupid bedroom eyes, I will lose it!”
Nikki looks torn between repulsion and disappointment. A relative silence as she picks at her dinner and he practically inhales the remainder of his.
“And that’s just my family. Mike Newton? What a joke! As if he doesn’t see how absolutely obsessed Bella is with me! I could throw her out a five-storey window into a forest on fire and crawling with rabid mountain lions, laughing as she gets torn apart, and her last words would still be, ‘I love you, Edward!’ It’s sick!”
“Dude, like—”
“Jacob Black? You want to know about that…thing? Oh, if I could just get my hands around his stupid, good-for-nothing neck! He all but makes Bella cheat on me, and then I’m forced to tell her I don’t mind if she snogs other guys because if I said I did she’d probably go into another one of those self-induced comas. God, ever since that Swan girl came tripping and stumbling and breaking things into my life – existence, whatever – everything’s been a nightmare.”
He puts his head in his hands, and Nikki scoots back, eyes wide. She mouths the words, ‘What the hell?’
“Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Jacob Black. I’m trying to find a way to kill him and make it look like suicide, but with that stupid pack of dog’s telepathic thing, it’s harder than you might think. Since I’m always prepared, I keep a suicide note with his forged handwriting scribbled on it in my wallet, just in case an opportunity ever arises. Smart of me, isn’t it?”
Another pause, as if he actually expects a reply. She nods warily, still leaning as far back from the table as she possibly can.
“Sometimes I just think it’d be easier to skydive right into Volturra, you know? Sparkling like a disco ball and singing that idiotic song from that Muppets movie. Wait, I told you about Charlie, didn’t I?”
Nikki shakes her head, then suddenly it seems to occur to her that the less he says is all the better—she nods quickly. He seems not to notice the second movement.
“Agh, the man hasn’t shut up since the day I met him! He either admires me loads and wants me to marry his clumsy, retarded daughter, or he hates me with this overprotective passion and bans me from the house. It changes back and forth every month or so. I’ve gotten used to it, but to get him out the way is not the last thing on my agenda. Hey, are you gonna finish that burger?”
“Oh, no, I guess not. Y-you can have it.”
“Thanks.”
Mmmf-grnnch-sluurrrpp-mfffmmff.
“Ahm, what were we talking about?”
“Oh, nothing! Nothing, like, at all. You were just, like, saying how lonely it was in your hotel room at night.”
Silence.
“Was I? Well, can’t say I remember that. This food must be amnesia-inducing. Maybe I’ll sue them. We all know how much I need the money.”
He pounds his fist on the table, laughing near hysterically. She smiles weakly and averts her eyes, as if that will translate to anyone who notices the two of them that she doesn’t know him.
“Gee, it’s getting late. You should go before your parents start imagining all kinds of ways you could die violently while wandering around here. Here, we can split the bill.”
One mortified look, one obvious glance at the pretty waitress and two doors slamming later.
“So like, are you like, single right now?” She’s not sure she wants to know anymore.
“Depends. How much?”
He hits the steering wheel almost hard enough to break it into pieces, laughing pointlessly and noisily like a man inebriated. Her sigh goes unheard, and she looks tempted to escape the moving vehicle via any available exit.
“Sorry, it was too funny, I couldn’t resist.”
“’Course you couldn’t.” Sullen.
“No, I’m seriously sorry. It was stupid joke to make, whatever else. I’ll shut up now, if you want me to.”
No response, but she doesn’t appear to mind this arrangement.
“You can leave me here. I can catch the bus home.”
Relieved smile that he hopes she sees.
“Sweet.”
He looks out the window the next morning, searching every bush with very un-topazish eyes. Thank God for people who don’t look like Greek gods.
A smile, then.
“She won’t be back.”
“Hey, Nikki, we put off seeing This is Just Another Disaster Movie Where Everyone Dies and Huge Things Fall Over On Top of Screaming Pedestrians, And I Think Aliens Invade until you were available. Is tonight good?”
“Oh, gawd, Maddy, I’d love to, but I just saw Jasper go into Eddie’s. I’m going undercover!”
“Nikki, you do know that’s actually Jack—”
Click. Call ended.
This one takes a different direction from other Twilight spoofs I've seen so far, so well done. Poor, poor Rob. 
I really liked the flow: it was cut up by calls and stuff, but it fit it well. All of the ramblings are awesome. Great text! It was a very fun read 
Gender:
Points: 4125
Reviews: 194