Young Writers Society

I stared at my brother's chest rise and fall, rise and fall, rise and fall. i scoffed at the Clans. Who did they think they were? Just because they had been around for so long didn't mean they were so much better than kittypets. As I stared, my brother's breathing had become fainter and fainter until, abruptly, it stopped. My eyes widened in horror. "Jango?" i said, hoping, praying for and answer. No reply. "Jango!" i threw myself at him, trying to check for any life, any signs of it, anything. "No! Jango! I need you!" I cried, my fur standing on end and my eyes stinging. I became flooded with anger from ears to tail-tip. "I will no longer be a kittypet!" i growled, tearing off mt collar on a nearby elder bush branch. "I am now a rouge. I will avenge you, Mason!" I mewed. "I WILL AVENGE!" I yowled, hoping that the Clans had heard.

Hi Cheez_burger Welcome to YWS. I noticed one thing in the is piece you didn't capitalize your I's. Any time an I is by itself it has to be capitalized. You have to remember that. Also is this a prologue? If it is you should probably say that somewhere in the post. It will clear up some of the confusion I felt. I didn't really know what was going on so I'm going to assume it wasn't a chapter. There was no description in this piece. I know it's short but you can describe what is going on around your characters.

tearing off mt collar on a nearby elder bush branch.

my

Tell us more about what your MC's thoughts. I don't really feel any emotion when the brother dies because I don't know anything. It's an interesting idea though I'd love to read more if you add to it.

~peanut~

Aha, Warrior Cats! My sister reads that series. I think she has all the books out so far, lol, even the graphic novels and cats of the clan-type books. You should get in contact with her on here. Her username is Firearris. You two might be able to swap ideas.

The reason I have a vague idea of what's going on here is because I know of the series and live with someone who loves the books. So I know about kitty pets and the clan's attitude towards them. However, it's still unclear as to what just happened. Was Jango killed by one of the clan cats for trespassing? That's what I'm assuming happened, though normally the clan cats just chase off the kitty pets or scare them away, right? My sister also just informed me that part of the Warrior code is that you don't need to kill to one, though I'm thinking she might want to have a look at your story later, so I won't steal her thunder on that. Also, Jango is the one that died, the MC's brother, and yet the MC is going to avenge Mason? Who's Mason? Where did he come from? Assume we've never read the Warrior Cat series before, that we are completely ignorant of the characters. Treat us like the Erin Hunters treated you in the first book, when you had no knowledge of the world of Warrior Cats, when you didn't know the social norms and the situations and the common conflicts.

This is really too short a piece for the reader to get a full sense of what happened and who the characters are. the situation, and what's going to happen in the parts to come. The suggests word count range is 500 - 1500, so 1000 is really the primes spot to be. Long enough that we can get into the story and give you an honest real critique, but short enough that the readers don't scroll down and get daunted/intimidated by how long it is and run away before giving it a chance.

Good luck with your writing!

*moved to Fanfiction*

Ah, love these books! But most people don't even know anything about the plot of the series. You should write it longer and with more details and background information so people who are not familiar with this series can understand what is going on. Also, you need too capitalize all of your 'I's. And, as peanut19 said, you misspelled 'my'. Other then that, keep up the good work and remember to write longer chapters!

The story seemed very abrupt and extremely confusing for those that don't know who or what the clans are. I think if you want the reader to feel anything because they have no attachment to the character. Please expand it as I would love to read some more!

Hello.
I got the message of your work, but it lack details.
Does it have a part 1, 2 or so on? and be sure to check the correct use of "i".
It should be I. Anyway, it's nice.

Keep it up.

Hey, Lee-Anna here!

Since the rest of the reviewers have all ready commented on the length, details, and the Is not being capitalized, I'm going to critique the grammar.

"Jango?" i said, hoping, praying for and answer.

I think it would sound smoother if you said "I said, hoping and praying." Your way isn't wrong; this is just my opinion.

"I will no longer be a kittypet!" i growled, tearing off mt collar on a nearby elder bush branch.

Mt should be my.

"I am now a rouge. I will avenge you, Mason!" I mewed.

Rouge should be rogue.

"I WILL AVENGE!" I yowled, hoping that the Clans had heard.

Again, this is just my opinion, but I'm not a huge fan of capitalizing everything.

This could be a really good concept. But, just wondering, wasn't Jango a kittypet in the actual Warriors books? I haven't read them for a while, so I don't really remember, but for whatever reason I thought there was all ready a Jango. Hope this helped!

Well, Lee-Anna, there was (spoiler) a cat named Jingo, but no Jango.

Hello. I'll go along with everyone else here. You do need to capitalize your I's, and 'mt' should be 'my'. I'm assuming that that was a typo, though. It's rather short and confusing, as it doesn't give much information. Much of it is left for the reader's guess. Which, in general, is not always a bad thing.

I'm not much of a help, but good luck! Keep writing!