Young Writers Society

Prologue

[i]Screams, they echoed through out the entire stone walled dungeon. Filled with undeniable agony and suffering, the shrieks of humans being tortured was found everywhere in this place. The dungeon’s walls were caked with dried blood and excreted the scents of all the corpses that could be found around them. More gore could be found in one particular room, which was filled with hellish devices of torment.

[i]A group of four men surrounded one device. Three were dressed in heavy armor and carried large swords in their sheaths tied around their belts. The fourth man wore expensive silk and laced clothing, consisting of an array of colors; from dark wine purples to bright crimson reds. Holding his arm up, he waved his hand. A servant controlling a gage began to turn it. The device was deep water filled pool, and chains hung from the ceiling were submerged in the water. Turning the gage pulled the chains up from a pulley, and a body emerged from the water.

Coughing violently, the girl shook. The elegantly clothed man grinned deviously. “Will you speak?”
Dull hazel eyes opened, and she spat at him. “Go screw yourself Edward Langley.”
Sighing, Edward waved his hand downward. “As you wish, assassin.”
Once again, the servant turned the gage and she was reemerged into the dark pool. As bubbles surfaced, a second servant entered the dungeon torture room. He stopped and gave a bow. “Master Langley, Lady Oliver calls for you.”

Glancing at the servant, Edward placed his arm at his side. “Very well,” He looked at the servant by the gage. “That is enough, I shall let her rest for now.”
Nodding, the servant turned the gage wheel and the assassin girl emerged from the water once again. She coughed loudly as she gasped for air. The guards grabbed her and pulled her to the side, and unlocked her chains. Once the shackles were removed, she gently rubbed her ankles, which were swollen and red. Glimpsing at Edward, the girl rushed at him, but the guard grabbed her. “Langley I will kill you!” She roared.
Chuckling, he removed his feathered cap. “I am afraid that will not be the case. Dear lady Miller, you will share your secrets with me, and than I will finally kill all of the assassin dogs.”
He gave a mock bow and placed his cap back on his head. “Now if you excuse me. My Lady wishes to see me. Guards place her in a holding cell.
”
Grabbing her firmly, the guards dragged her out of the room. She struggled and fought back like a wild animal. She refused to be taken so lightly. “Unhand me! Or I will kill you both!” She commanded.
The guards ignored her, and continued to forcibly take her away. No matter how useless it was the assassin thought it was weak of her to make it easy. Even if she were captured, she would make everyone see that even a caged lion could still kill.

Stopping, the guards pushed her into an open cell. Fighting back, she grabbed the door bars and used her strength to push backwards. Grunting, the two guards finally got her into the cage. After they locked the door, one guard spat out. “Stupid wrench, no one will come for you.”

Glaring at them as they left, she knelt down. ‘They are wrong. He will come to save me. That man keeps his promises.’
“Ezio will come for me.” She whispered in the darkness of her prison.
[/i][/i]

“SAVE ME! SAVE ME!” bloody shrieks of suffering engulfed the entire room.
The screaming girl was strapped down to an animus, and was racked with so much pain. Besides the animus, a man was typing away on a computer. “Edward! What is happening to Miss Miller?” Warren asked in an annoyed tone.

“I-I’m not sure. Once we accessed the memory, the animus must have malfunctioned. Now Miller has gone into sho-“
One of the leather straps holding Lizzy’s arm, snapped. Now free, her arm flailed about. She began to punch the animus’ screen, and turned her hand into a blood soaked fist. “Edward! Get her out of the animus before she destroys it!” Warren instructed.

Nodding, Edward quickly typed the ‘off’ command on the animus. The screen slid back into the animus and Lizzy thrashed off. Hitting on the ground, the girl moaned and gowned. “At least she finally shut up.” Warren sighed, “Go check on her.”

He rubbed his temples, as Edward walked to her. “O-Oh my god.” Edward muttered.
Lifting her head up, Lizzy’s eyes began to trickle blood from them, like tears. “I-I saw it.” She whispered.
Edward gasped. “How? The animus malfunctioned and couldn’t work.”
Lizzy shook her head. “I saw it.” Her voice was weak and he could barely hear it.
“What did you see in the memory?” He asked.

Standing up, Lizzy wrapped her arms around her head. “The truth.”
Warren stood beside her. “The truth?”
Wiping the blood from her face, it smudged all over tainting her peach skin and light brunet hair. Her hazel eyes were wide open and staring into the distance. “I-I saw-”She paused.
Getting anxious, Warren grabbed her shoulders. “What did you see? Tell me I must know!” He shook her.
Looking past him, Lizzy turned her head slightly to gaze into his eyes. “The truth.” Her voice was barely a whisper, as her mind began to shut down. “I saw the truth.”

Closing her eyes, her body went limp, and a world of darkness swallowed her up.
Warren released his grip on her, and Lizzy’s body crashed onto the floor. “Great, and we were so close too. Edward,” he turned to his assistant.
“Check the animus’s memory. I want to know what happened to cause this. I’ll go and call security to take care of Miss Miller.” He finished, walking to his desk.
That was too close. If I had permitted Warren to see that memory all would be lost, but I don’t understand how Lizzy was able to see the memory even though I plugged a virus into the animus to prevent showing that memory.

Edward collected his thoughts, as the data appeared before him on his computer. Glancing over, he watched two security guards lift Lizzy up and to the medical wards. Why did she react that way? He knew that question would be best left alone...for now.

Prologue

[i]Screams, they echoed through out the entire stone walled dungeon.

Please check that you don't double italicise, as this adds a quite amateurish touch and instantly deters any reviewer from properly reviewing this.

Filled with undeniable agony and suffering, the shrieks of humans being tortured was found everywhere in this place.

Found everywhere? Can you find shrieks? Are they physically things you can play hide and seek with?

The dungeon’s walls were caked with dried blood and excreted the scents of all the corpses that could be found around them. More gore could be found in one particular room, which was filled with hellish devices of torment.

First off I loved the first sentence, I found the description adorable. However, the second should be rephrased, it somehow doesn't sound right and doesn't match the way you've written this so far.

[i]A group of four men surrounded one device.

Device again? Try something else . . . mechanism, maybe?

Three were dressed in heavy armor and carried large swords in their sheaths tied around their belts. The fourth man wore expensive silk and laced clothing, consisting of an array of colors; from dark wine purples to bright crimson reds. Holding his arm up, he waved his hand.

Nice. I could see this. However, the waving of this fine man's hand seems a bit lacking in reason. Why did he do this? I realise that he WAS indeed gesturing the servant later on, but still. . .

A servant controlling a gage began to turn it.

Gage? I'm at a loss as to what this is. Gauge? Cage?

The device was deep water filled pool, and chains hung from the ceiling were submerged in the water. Turning the gage pulled the chains up from a pulley, and a body emerged from the water.

An "a" belongs in between was and deep. Avoid using water twice in this sentence, try something like, "Chains hung from the ceiling and were submerged into the device which sat (or was part of, or consisted of) in a deep water filled pool. That wasn't the best example, but with your talent I'm sure you'll think of something good.

Coughing violently, the girl shook.

Hmm, this seems . . . like an under explanation. Did she shake from the coughing, was she cold or was she scared?

The elegantly clothed man grinned deviously. “Will you speak?”

Try giving your characters names. Not actual names, but fill-ins. Like "The Dandy-man grinned deviously." Just in case.

Dull hazel eyes opened, and she spat at him. “Go screw yourself Edward Langley.”

Okay, her eyes were closed? I wasn't aware of that. And I like that she spat at him. Nice. However, HOW did she spit at him, viciously? I think, "Screw yourself," doesn't fit with the era of your current setting. I'm not too sure about this, but elegantly clad men dressed in fine bright coloured clothes do not strut around freely these days. Also, maybe completely cut out the girl speaking. It means that she has actually given in. As in if someone told you to do something, you wouldn't immediately do it, would you?

Sighing, Edward waved his hand downward. “As you wish, assassin.”

He is addressing who?

Once again, the servant turned the gage and she was reemerged into the dark pool. As bubbles surfaced, a second servant entered the dungeon torture room. He stopped and gave a bow. “Master Langley, Lady Oliver calls for you.”

Gage again . . . I should look this up, I should definitely, but . . . I shall leave the explanation to you. And now I finally understand the torture device . . . I was imagining something much worse. I'm liking the bubbles. Did the servant say this while still bowing?

Glancing at the servant, Edward placed his arm at his side. “Very well,” He looked at the servant by the gage. “That is enough, I shall let her rest for now.”

Placed his arm at his side? To me this sounds like he can't control his arm and was using his other hand to move this one. Maybe, "He let his arm fall to his side." Would fit better? "I shall let her rest for now?" To me Edward already doesn't seem like one to sympathise. Maybe make it crueler, somehow . . . maybe, "I grow tired of this loathsome creature. Let her rest so that she is conscious for the next round."

Nodding, the servant turned the gage wheel and the assassin girl emerged from the water once again. She coughed loudly as she gasped for air. The guards grabbed her and pulled her to the side, and unlocked her chains.

This is just me nit-picking, but you could cut the sentence with two "ands" into two different sentences. I dislike to many ands in one sentence.

Once the shackles were removed, she gently rubbed her ankles, which were swollen and red. Glimpsing at Edward, the girl rushed at him, but the guard grabbed her. “Langley I will kill you!” She roared.

Okay, firstly all this "girl" business. She sounds like a 10 year old. Surely she isn't? Secondly, after Langley there should be a comma. I have no idea how this girl could rush at him. She has been strapped and continuously dunked into deep water. How she even moves to rub at her ankles is beyond me.

Chuckling, he removed his feathered cap. “I am afraid that will not be the case. Dear lady Miller, you will share your secrets with me, and than I will finally kill all of the assassin dogs.”

I like this. Finally Edward gets his feelings into the air and we learn her name. I would, to show connection put in "your" instead of the "the". It makes the sentence more personal and cruel, " . . and than (which by the way should be then) I will finally kill all of your assassin dogs!"

He gave a mock bow and placed his cap back on his head. “Now if you excuse me. My Lady wishes to see me. Guards place her in a holding cell.
”

So all this time he waves his hand and the servants and guards know what he wants, but to merely place her in a holding cell he needs to tell them? I think not. Another characteristic "wave of the hand" should sit here instead.

Grabbing her firmly, the guards dragged her out of the room. She struggled and fought back like a wild animal. She refused to be taken so lightly. “Unhand me! Or I will kill you both!” She commanded.

Okay, I say again. How is this girl moving? I am positively stunned. Very extraordinary feat I should say. Also, "Unhand me!" - That would be commanded, however adding the, "Or I will kill you both!" - not so much. That is more like a threat. So possibly change to, She threatened.

The guards ignored her, and continued to forcibly take her away. No matter how useless it was the assassin thought it was weak of her to make it easy. Even if she were captured, she would make everyone see that even a caged lion could still kill.

Slowly delving in the main character is very good, I like it. However, "the guards ignored her"? Honestly? IGNORED? How could they ignore the kicking and fighting like a wild animal. Also the contradiction between a few sentences is little harsh. First she is a wild animal. Then she is a murderous caged one.

Stopping, the guards pushed her into an open cell. Fighting back, she grabbed the door bars and used her strength to push backwards. Grunting, the two guards finally got her into the cage. After they locked the door, one guard spat out. “Stupid wrench, no one will come for you.”

Okay, this is good. I likey. However, you do realise that a wrench is something used in building? I think you mean wench which is a lowly woman.

Glaring at them as they left, she knelt down. ‘They are wrong. He will come to save me. That man keeps his promises.’
“Ezio will come for me.” She whispered in the darkness of her prison.
[/i][/i]

The sudden changing from "" to '' isn't very good. Try to keep them consistent throughout the whole story. Okay, why would she kneel down? Just wondering . .

“SAVE ME! SAVE ME!” bloody shrieks of suffering engulfed the entire room.

I, personally, like this, but I have an inkling that "bloody" had been used to describe shrieks before somehow around the start. Try using something else.

The screaming girl was strapped down to an animus, and was racked with so much pain. Besides the animus, a man was typing away on a computer. “Edward! What is happening to Miss Miller?” Warren asked in an annoyed tone.

"Wracked with so much pain." Boring and I can't even see this in my head. Please describe it more. And I think you mean "Beside the animus," not "Besides the animus." Typing away? How was he typing? Frantically? Coolly? Description once again, please.

“I-I’m not sure. Once we accessed the memory, the animus must have malfunctioned. Now Miller has gone into sho-“
One of the leather straps holding Lizzy’s arm, snapped. Now free, her arm flailed about. She began to punch the animus’ screen, and turned her hand into a blood soaked fist. “Edward! Get her out of the animus before she destroys it!” Warren instructed.

Now this is interesting. . Her arm flailed about? The way I see that is like a piece of paper held in one place, but being flailed about by the wind. I can't see an arm doing that very well. Maybe chose another word? Also Warren. Instructed? Commanded would fit nicely here.

Nodding, Edward quickly typed the ‘off’ command on the animus. The screen slid back into the animus and Lizzy thrashed off. Hitting on the ground, the girl moaned and gowned. “At least she finally shut up.” Warren sighed, “Go check on her.”

Moaned and gowned? Groaned I think you mean. Also, hitting "on the ground". Completely rephrase this. Something like, "The girl hit the ground and began to groan excessively."

He rubbed his temples, as Edward walked to her. “O-Oh my god.” Edward muttered.
Lifting her head up, Lizzy’s eyes began to trickle blood from them, like tears. “I-I saw it.” She whispered.
Edward gasped. “How? The animus malfunctioned and couldn’t work.”
Lizzy shook her head. “I saw it.” Her voice was weak and he could barely hear it.
“What did you see in the memory?” He asked.

Nothing bad to say about this. I really like this. Its getting interesting.

Standing up, Lizzy wrapped her arms around her head. “The truth.”
Warren stood beside her. “The truth?”
Wiping the blood from her face, it smudged all over tainting her peach skin and light brunet hair. Her hazel eyes were wide open and staring into the distance. “I-I saw-”She paused.
Getting anxious, Warren grabbed her shoulders. “What did you see? Tell me I must know!” He shook her.
Looking past him, Lizzy turned her head slightly to gaze into his eyes. “The truth.” Her voice was barely a whisper, as her mind began to shut down. “I saw the truth.”

Now, that was annoying. You crammed her description into one sentence. A main character's details should flow into different sentences naturally. Try finding places to put the words instead of making something new.

Closing her eyes, her body went limp, and a world of darkness swallowed her up.
Warren released his grip on her, and Lizzy’s body crashed onto the floor. “Great, and we were so close too. Edward,” he turned to his assistant.
“Check the animus’s memory. I want to know what happened to cause this. I’ll go and call security to take care of Miss Miller.” He finished, walking to his desk.

Hmmm . . . nothing much to say except NICE!

That was too close. If I had permitted Warren to see that memory all would be lost, but I don’t understand how Lizzy was able to see the memory even though I plugged a virus into the animus to prevent showing that memory. Edward collected his thoughts, as the data appeared before him on his computer. Glancing over, he watched two security guards lift Lizzy up and to the medical wards. Why did she react that way? He knew that question would be best left alone...for now.

So it was all Edward's fault, huh? Interesting.

Overall - I enjoyed it. A good fan-fiction. Nice plot and interesting characters who have their very own personalities. I liked this. Some parts may need fixing, but I think you have some good talent and I look forward to seeing more from you. Some advice? I think you need to learn how to italicise properly and just in general add more description. Everyone likes knowing more stuff.

Have A Nice Day.
Azrael Linx.