Young Writers Society

A/N: This is the first chapter of a fanfiction I started a while ago. It's an odd pairing, but I was inspired after coming across a video for this pairing on Youtube, which was brilliant. This will start off like Twilight, but the similarities will grow to be less and less as the story continues. It's Bella's first day at school, and she's sitting with her newfound friends - Jessica, Angela and some other girls - in the cafeteria at lunch. Personally I'm not really happy with it, but that's why I posted it!

"Who are they?" I asked the girl from my Spanish class, whose name I'd forgotten.

As she looked up to see who I meant - though already knowing, probably, from my tone - suddenly he looked at her, the thinner one, the boyish one, the youngest, perhaps. He looked at my neighbor for just a fraction of a second, and then his dark eyes flickered to mine.

He looked away quickly, more quickly than I could, though in a flush of embarrassment I dropped my eyes at once. In that brief flash of a glance, his face held nothing of interest - it was as if she had called his name, and he'd looked up in involuntary response, already having decided not to answer.

My neighbor giggled in embarrassment, looking at the table like I did. "That's Edward and Emmett Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The one who left was Alice Cullen; they all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife." She said this under her breath.

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Rosalie's P.O.V
As I heard my name mentioned, I smiled. Looked like the Jessica girl was informing the new student about our family. Or what the humans thought they knew about our family, at least. Sometimes I still wonder how humans could be so unaware in their stupidity. Pathetic creatures. The two girls were almost whispering to each other, which I wondered at idly. We were across the room; human ears were far too weak to hear from that distance. The new girl, Bella, has sneaked a peak at Edward a couple of times. I felt a strong twinge of jealousy. Strange – I thought I’d gotten over Edward completely. It irked me that I still, evidently, had some scrap of feeling towards him. Edward looked up for a fraction of a second to glance at me, clearly irritated. I scowled and went back to listening to Bella and Jessica gossip.

“Jasper and Alice are together. Like, together!” She sounded even more gossipy than usual. At least we’re not immature brats like you human children, I thought. The girl looked like she was having trouble catching everything she was being told. I smirked.

“Which ones are the Cullens? They don’t look related.”

“Oh, they’re not. Jasper and Rosalie are the Hales, brother and sister – twins – and they’re foster children.” Bella sneaked a quick glance over here yet again. This time she was staring at me. Should I let her stare at me and pretend I don’t notice, or meet her gaze? Which would make me look better in her eyes? I looked up slowly, so nobody would notice anything strange about the speed and fluidity of our movements, and met her gaze, hoping to portray slight scorn. I had to appear as beautiful and perfect as I could to this girl. “Rosalie, you’re getting vainer by the day,” Edward growled. I pointedly ignored him. It wasn’t a bad thing to want to show off. As Bella realized I was glaring at her, her face turned bright red and she looked down quickly. But I’d definitely seen it – that was a touch of admiration in her eyes. I tossed my hair back, pleased, while Jessica continued chatting to Bella.

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Bella’s POV
It was an awkward walk to biology with Angela. I forgot her name twice and almost tripped over my own feet just on the way from lunch to class. Today in general hadn't been the greatest – but I suppose it was better than I expected at this school. I didn’t have to sit by myself for lunch, and the group seemed nice. My own clumsiness was just to be expected. The only thing was that girl…Rosalie Hale. She very obviously didn’t like me at all. Why, though? I’d never said a word to her. I didn’t know she existed before today. What’s more, I can’t stop thinking about her sudden hatred of me. Okay, so one girl in the school doesn’t like you already. It doesn’t mean you can’t make other friends. But I couldn’t stop feeling hurt – perhaps a little too hurt. It was making me feel miserable. That was the reason I was making this day out to be worse than it was.

Angela’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “Umm...this is our class.” I thanked her for showing me the way (in truth, I’d been too wrapped up in my thoughts to register where we were going) and after a slightly awkward silence (or was I just being paranoid today?) she went to sit in her seat. Someone else was already sitting next to her. Actually, the only lab table with a spare seat was one next to the center aisle. With a slight twinge of fear, I saw the unmistakable perfect bronze hair of one of the others Rosalie Hale lived with – Edward Cullen. After collecting the books I’d need from the teacher, I looked back at him. He seemed distracted, like he was trying to figure out a complex maths problem.

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Edward’s POV
I could see that the human was unsure of me as soon as she recognized me. She seemed shy, but apparently she was hot property here in Forks. She’d better get used to the attention. The human boys at this school are all over her. Poor girl. It was amusing and pitiful at the same time. But that wasn’t what was irking me – why, why couldn’t I hear her? What was special about this city girl? Why was her mind blocked to me? I had been completely out of it since I’d noticed it at lunch. It was irritating to say the very least! She was a plain-looking girl and yet here she was, defying me. Was my mind-reading starting to falter? I hoped – prayed – that wasn’t the case. I wonder if Aro could hear her. No doubt he could; he’s exceptionally powerful...not to mention royalty. Imagine, though, a mere human defying Aro…

My chain of thought halted abruptly as I took an innocent breath of air. I froze, clenching my fists, as the girl walked past. Her blood. Her blood! The scent of it… I saw everything clearly, saw the way the world was meant to be, in an instant, because of this human girl. How had I escaped this truth before? We were the predators, the dominant species on this planet. Humans were our prey. Us. Them. Me. Bella. Nothing else mattered, just to feed. I could see it all clearly; the way I would leap over the desk, grab her by the waist and sink my teeth into the ever-prominent jugular vein pumping blood through her body. The other humans wouldn’t see it coming. They were easily dealt with. My mind began calculating the possibilities. Better, I suppose, to take out the others first…in order to properly enjoy my meal. Yes. Take out the others. I had decided all this in less than a second. The girl was still walking towards the teacher. No, the others can wait. I must have her now! I prepared to spring.

Hi! Ali here!
This was a very interesting and well-written piece. I loved it!

Now for the nit-picks:

As she looked up to see who I meant - though already knowing, probably, from my tone - suddenly he looked at her, the thinner one, the boyish one, the youngest, perhaps.

This is a bit muddled. So the reader won't have to reader it twice, try:

As she looked up to see who I meant - though probably already knowing from my tone - he looked at her. He was thinner than the rest, and slightly more boyish - the youngest, perhaps.

Or something like that

That's Edward and Emmett Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The one who left was Alice Cullen; they all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife."

This sounds slightly forced. I get the feeling of *INFORMATION OVERLOAD!* Maybe if you broke it down a bit - like if Angela tells Bella their names and then Bella asks Angela who they live with, just so Angela won't have to say it all at once

At least we’re not immature brats like you human children.

I think you should underline the fact that this is Rosalie's personal thoughts, and not a fact. I suggest you put it in italics, because otherwise it disrupts the flow of the story.

I smirked. “Which ones are the Cullens? They don’t look related.”

I understand that it's Bella speaking, but the fact that the speech is on the same line as Rosalie's thoughts makes it become confusing. Put the speech on a new line, so that there is no confusion.

Today in general hasn’t been the greatest – but I suppose it’s better than I expected at this school. I didn’t have to sit by myself for lunch, and the group seems nice. My own clumsiness is just to be expected. The only thing was that girl…Rosalie Hale. She very obviously didn’t like me at all. Why, though? I’ve never said a word to her. I didn’t know she existed before today. What’s more I can’t stop thinking about her sudden hatred of me.

*tense alert!* This story is written in past tense, so make sure you keep it up. The paragraph above is written mostly in present tense - which is very confusing. Make sure you change it

Actually, the only lab table with a spare seat was one next to the center isle.

'Isle' should be 'Aisle'

I saw the unmistakable perfect bronze hair of one of the others Rosalie Hale lived with – Edward Cullen.

He was the one that looked at Angela and Bella in the canteen, so maybe you should refer to him as 'the skinny one, who looked at me in the canteen' or something- seeing as she's had a previous encounter with him - and that should be recognised.

The human boys at this school are all over her Poor girl.

You probably meant to put a full stop after 'her'

Okay, that's all I can find! Good work!

Characters: Their emotions and feelings are described very well, but I noticed there weren't many physical descriptions. For example: Angela wasn't described at all, nor the rest of the Cullens. I know that the main focus of this story is of Edward, Rosalie, and Bella, but a little description of the others wouldn't hurt.

Place: I know they're in a school, but the school wasn't described. I don't think you need much description about it - maybe just a few words, because for now I don't know if it's big, small, old... I couldn't picture it to the the scene come alive in my head.

Overall: It's a very well thought out and interesting piece. I loved it how you described Rosalie's feelings as well, so you have a very interesting mix of characters. I love the idea! By just going through it and adding descriptions, I think this could be genius. I especially liked Edward's point of view! I found very few mistakes, so well done!

Hope I helped!

Hi, Maddy!

I want to be perfectly honest with you and tell you that I probably wouldn't have reviewed this story if you weren't my teammate It's just that I don't really like reviewing fanfiction that I know nothing about. I mean, I've read the first book of Twilight, but it's been a few years and I don't remember much about it, let alone appreciated very much. So I'm going to focus on other things than the original story and how much your piece connects with it, because I can't tell.

"Who are they?" I asked the girl from my Spanish class, whose name I'd forgotten.

I think you can safely scratch the last part of the sentence ("whose name I'd forgotten"). It's kind of obvious she doesn't remember the name if she just calls them "the girl" – besides, with this word order, the last part of the sentence refers to the Spanish class, not the girl herself.

As she looked up to see who I meant - though already knowing, probably, from my tone - suddenly he looked at her, the thinner one, the boyish one, the youngest, perhaps.

I'm afraid this bit was a confusion overload for me. The piece between dashes is awkwardly worded, and the piece after the dashes doesn't seem to make much sense. Who is "he"? And to whom do all those adjectives refer? You need to clear that up, unless it's just because I'm not familiar with the original context, but I doubt that it'd be only because of that. Ali gave you a nice suggestion for rewriting this part.

"That's Edward and Emmett Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The one who left was Alice Cullen; they all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife," [s]S[/s]she said [s]this[/s] under her breath.

The two girls were almost whispering to each other, which I wondered at idly.

"Wondered at" sounds a bit weird – and you've already used the word "wonder" in this paragraph. Maybe try "...each other, which seemed funny." or something.

I didn’t know she existed before today. What’s more, I can’t stop thinking about her sudden hatred of me.

Notice you switch tenses here? In the first one you have past tense like throughout the story, but in the second sentence it's suddenly present.

Okay, so one girl in the school doesn’t like you already.

The "already" in the end seems odd – I think you can erase it. =)

The human boys at this school are all over her. Poor girl. It was amusing and pitiful at the same time.

The tense is changing again. Please pay attention to it


So, I want to emphasize the fact that I'm really not sure how to review fanfiction, apart from grammar and such things. There were a few things that remained unclear to me. For example, who is this Aro Edward thinks about in his POV? It seemed really random, since all you did was mention the name and restrained from saying anything else about him. The Aro thing didn't seem very significant for the story either, so I can't understand what's the motive of it. In my opinion, you could just delete that whole part about him, unless you're going to continue with the story and this was just one chapter. And actually, after rereading your A/N, it seems so indeed. Heh. Sorry about that.

By the way, in the A/N you say that they're sitting with "Jessica, Angela, and the other girls" – yet all I see and hear is Angela. The story doesn't give a slightest hint to that there are actually some other people than Angela, Bella, and the Cullen gang in the cafeteria. You don't need much – just mention how Bella noticed some other girl's eyes on her when she said something too loudly, or anything little like that. It's really little what you need, just strengthen the impression they are not alone.

Okay, so this is indeed the first chapter of the fanfiction, like you said. There are little hints in the ending of how the story is going to turn up, but maybe it was your quick POV changing that didn't give much room for the plot to improve. The different POVs are pretty much focused on the same moments, only from different people looking at them. So, what I'm trying to say that the story isn't going much forward at this point. Also, the first chapter didn't give very many clues to what the story is going to be about, and I think you need to have them more. Of course, like I've said to other people before, I often forgive people very easily on the first chapter, because what might be a very long story is only at the beginning, weirdly enough.

However, your grammar was good, along with the use of punctuation, and there weren't a lot of awkward phrases, which I'm very glad about – usually I have to correct about million of those. This was also a light and quite entertaining read, even though I can't consider myself a Twilight fan/expert. Good luck with the rest of the story!

See you around,


Demeter
xxx