Young Writers Society

Edward and Bella

Chapter 1

It was my first day of high school, and my cuts were hurting again. Today was going to be nightmarish.

The reason I had cuts in the first place, is because of my father. He is the worst father anyone could ask for. He gets drunk every night, and then sometimes he gets out his knife or whip. (The whip more often the not.) Then he would start whipping me. It was so painful! You’d think I would have told someone by now, but I was a wimp and I didn’t want to make my dad anymore angry with me than he already was.

To make matters worse, my dad was going to kill me if I caught him doing anything like he was doing. And when I say ‘kill me’, I mean it literally. He always told me not to disturb him. But that’s kind of hard when you live in the same house as him.

We had just moved to Forks, Washington, the rainiest place on the planet! I would be starting school at the high school there. Maybe, I might get some friends, unlike the other school down in Phoenix, Arizona. Where my mother…died.

Well, now I live in Forks, and I hate it. I’ve always hated the rain, now I have to live in it! I didn’t mind the High School, though. Well, I thought to myself, better get to sleep.


I woke up in the morning, with my cuts stinging. Time for school, I thought. This was going to hurt.

I took my usual shower and got dressed. My outfit was a dark blue T-shirt, the usual jeans, and black sneakers.

Breakfast was a strawberry Pop-tart, and a glass of milk. Luckily my dad was still sleeping off the alcohol from last night, so he wasn’t yelling at me for once.

I didn’t have to pay for the car that I have, and gas wasn’t a problem. My car was a midnight blue Lancer Evolution X, with flames on the sides of it. I absolutely loved my car.

I drove to high school at my usual speed of 50 MPH or more, depends on my mood. When I got there, there was a ton of old, rusty cars. I had thought that my car would fit in nicely, obviously not! The only car that was really nice was a silver Volvo. It was really shiny, just like mine.

Oh well! I thought, doesn’t matter anyway.

Then I stepped out of my car and started for the office.

Edited- rated R for violence- Stella Thomas.

hmmm, not sure about this. I'm a big Twilight fan but i still enjoy spoofs.

I wasn't sure what you were going for with this one. The whole abusive father routine seemed a bit pointless.

I'm don't want to completely judge this for just the one chapter you've written so far so i'm eagerly anticipating the next chapters.

Hm....interesting. I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes, and the story itself was good! Can't wait for the next part!

Hmmm, interesting. This is just the first chapter so I don't want to be too picky before I see where you're going with this.
It breaks my heart to see Charlie evil, but you must do what you have to do.
The only thing I can say that bugs me is the part where Bella mentions the fact that her mother died. The way she immediately went on how she hates Forks seemed a bit unrealistic. Bella never seemed to stick to one thought, she kept jumping so I didn't really feel any depth to her character in this story.

Looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Hi Poseidon's Daughter (I love Greek Mythology )! I'm Antigone, and I'll be your reviewer today.

Hmm, I think you'll benefit most from an overall review.

The Abusive Father

Abusive parents have become a bit of a cliche in modern literature. The way you describe the abuse is also very unrealistic. A knife? A whip? Where on earth would one buy these? I more acceptable and normal abuse method would be beating physically or a belt used as a whip.
Also, your character seems very nonchalant about her situation. She's basically just like "Ugh, my dad, like, SUCKS! He's annoying when he cuts me with knives."
I feel like she should be a bit depressed. xD

The Dead Mother

It's also cliche to have one dead parent, sorry. Of course, you could make it original, but you have yet to. xD

The Grocery List

Imagine you're reading a story. And I wrote:
"Today I went to the grocery store. I got into my Toyota, which was blue, and went to Food Lion. I bough apples, oranges, bread (Italian), shrimp from the seafood counter, green beans, steak, cheerios, candy...

Wouldn't you stop reading?
Except, that's exactly what you're doing. You describe everything. What she's wearing, what her car is, what colour her car is... these are all unnecessary. They make your story boring.

Good luck and happy editing,
Antigone

Trying to make fan fiction your own is hard , but you pull it off.
Not much is explained in this chapter, try and put some more in your next chapters.
The characters personality is seen clearly but her apperance is not, try to put that in the next chapters.
There is no complication, try and get just a small problem in the next chapters.
But you have still done a good job
keep writing.

vera

Well, I thought to myself, better get to sleep.

I woke up in the morning, with my cuts stinging. Time for school, I thought. This was going to hurt.

Ok, so first, thoughts are italicized, and second, in the first sentence, you said that it was the first day of school, and then she goes to sleep? I thought she was probably already at school.

I took my usual shower and got dressed. My outfit was a dark blue T-shirt, the usual jeans, and black sneakers.

Breakfast was a strawberry Pop-tart, and a glass of milk. Luckily my dad was still sleeping off the alcohol from last night, so he wasn’t yelling at me for once.

I didn’t have to pay for the car that I have, and gas wasn’t a problem. My car was a midnight blue Lancer Evolution X, with flames on the sides of it. I absolutely loved my car.

How can a shower be usual? Also, all of this sounds a little awkward. Maybe change the last two sentences to "I absolutely loved my car. It was a midnight blue Lancer Evolution X, with flames on the sides of it." Or something like that.

Oh well! I thought, doesn’t matter anyway.

Italicize thoughts.


I don't know why you keep saying everything she does is usual for her since it's her first day of school. Some of the narration seemed a bit awkward, and like someone said, it doesn't seem very realistic that Charlie used knives and whips.

He gets drunk every night, and then sometimes he gets out his knife or whip. (The whip more often the not.) Then he would start whipping me. It was so painful! You’d think I would have told someone by now, but I was a wimp and I didn’t want to make my dad anymore angry with me than he already was.

It should be "...more often than not." It sounds stupid to say "He got out his whip. Then he whipped me. And it hurt." It's like duh. And it's unrealistic that she called herself a wimp for not telling someone.

Well, overall, it was pretty good. I would say try to change some of those things and keep going.

Umm...I liked it, but...bit wakward. I think everyine has told you the same thing about the whip, but i have to say it too. What's with the whip and knife? What kind of father would have a whip and hit his daughter with it? (well at least, in modern days)You explained it, described actually, very well, though. I hope you continue writing about this and do some checking with this one.

Interesting way you took the abusive father cliche and made it your own. Whip? Unusual, therefore it isn't a cliche! But the first sentences makes readers think that she's already in school, so you might want to fix that. Maybe add the word tomorrow to the end of the first part of the sentence.

hmmmmmmm... i've got to say i agree with burgs2009... it seems you really didnt know where you were going with this.. also you should try showing, not telling, instead of saying "its so painful!" you could show exactly what it is that is so painful ------- runon sentence (hehe)

Also, the whole idea of the father beating her up... well, its not exactly charlie or bella anymore... it may as well be in a different genre, to be honest. the characters are completely different.

For one, charlie has changed from a loving, law-abiding father into the complete opposite. it just isnt realistic, because if he was going so far to use a whip, the government would intervene somehow. anyhoo, bella is reckless and brave in the real series, so it just doesnt seem to work out.

find a direction you want to go in, show not tell, and revise!

I'm not the biggest fan of twilight. I read each book and am going to see the movies. I am more of a stephen King and Peter Straub. I advise you add something to spice it up. Like:

Never having friends is always a downpoint for everyone. Not everyone, just me. It's like being the one dalmation without spots. Or the tiger without stripes. I was alone. Until I met him...

I know this is probably not how you wrote it but...I did. Good Luck! and I thought it was okay! Good work!

I'm sorry to say that I don't like this. There wasn't much point,it wasn't written well and it was all over the place. My suggestion:

It was my first day of high school, and my cuts were hurting again. Today was going to be nightmarish.

There is no such word as nightmarish, don't try to make up words.
Also, it's not a good way to start a story. You should try to keep one meaning to a sentence, like "Bob had some apples" is fine, however "Bob had some apples, and he was riding down the street" is not fine. However, "Bob had some apples. Bob was riding down the street" is fine. Or, you could say that "Bob was riding down the street eating apples"
Just try and not change subject, like from 'school' to 'cuts' in the same sentence.

You show us and not tell us a lot in this story, I would recommend that you use the 'writing resorces' tab in the top bar, and sheck out some ideas on how to show and not tell.

One last thing; you should keep to the style of the author that you are fanfictionizing. It would be best, because then we know that it's Stephanie Meyer. It just flows better that way.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but it was all supposed to eb constructive. I wasn't trying to butcher your story, but more tell you what you cfould do that change it for what I think would be better. I like your ideas though

Wow, ummm, this is really weird. I mean, no offence, but if it didn't say Forks, Washington and the titale wasn't Edward and Bella, I wouldn't think that it was anything like Twilight or make any connection to it. Like seriously, Bella in this story is even more depressing than usual. And why would she have a really nice car from a dad who totally hates her and wastes his life getting drunk?? I'm sorry, but it's just not structured or remotely close to anything in Twilight. And if you were aiming for something totally different from Twilight but with like the same characters and stuff, You definitely shoul have written this so that it could at least make more sense. Sorry, but if you want to continue this and get good reviews you've got some major editting to do here.

0(o.o)0

Wow this is totally different than what I had imagined
when I read the title. I thought I was reading something different.

Although it's good in an odd way. It's a little short so maybe you could make a bit longer?
Like maybe she actually meets Edward or sees him in his car. Something along those lines so it fits with the title "Edward and Bella."

you can definitely pull off fan fiction.
but what i found was that some of your paragraphs were short and stubbyy. maybe combining them that share the same idea would make it flow better