Young Writers Society

I’ve always been comfortable with silence.

I would honestly rather be quiet and observe my surroundings than waste words on empty small talk. I guess not everyone else is like that, though.

That’s why Haruhi stands out to me. Most people try and figure out what I’m thinking by asking me meaningless questions, but she never does. She just looks at me, or through me actually, with those amber eyes of hers. Sometimes I wonder if she can tell what I’m thinking . . . or what I’m feeling.

But it doesn’t matter what I feel, because I can see how everyone else feels about her. She’s the best thing that ever happened to us. Before her we were still separated from each other by walls, barriers that we had put around ourselves so that we wouldn’t get hurt. When she came into our lives, even though we didn’t expect her to, she knocked down those walls. We had no choice but to love her. I had no choice . . . But if I were to tell her how I feel, everything would change. And I couldn’t do that to the Host club, especially not Mitskuni. He loves it here, and I’ve grown to like it too.

So until I can find the right moment or the right words to say to her, I’ll just stand back and watch over her, and let my silence do the talking for me

It's a nice little monologue. It would be even nicer though if you beefed up with a plot and some background. This is something you should work on. You definitely know how to write, that's for sure, but you could certainly have made this a little longer and, ultimately, more entertaininig. But it was good for a quick read, it just doesn't seem to have very much substance.

I don't know the story this is based on either so I have no idea what it's about.

I disagree with KevinL. For us who saw that show [it was a very,very good show] the background story is clear. It's lovely. I never really thought of the two of them together, maybe just about her and Kyouya, which were cute. I can definitely see his personality there, and there's worrying about Honey-senpai, which you also added. This was adorable, and well written, I might add. It could be great if you could do a series of these!
PM me if you do!
ofir

Hi there! When I read, "Mori/ Haruhi" I was literally clicked as fast as I could, but my computer is a little laggy, so it didn't hurry enough. But I am here now!

When she came into our lives, even though we didn’t expect her to, she knocked down those walls.

Now, I'm sorry if this is not gramatically correct, because I'm still young and learning. But I think it should be separated. "When she came into our lives -- even though we didn't expect her to -- she knocked down those walls."

So until I can find the right moment or the right words to say to her, I’ll just stand back and watch over her. And let my silence do the talking for me

"So Until I can find the right moment or the right words to say to her, I'll just stand back and watch over her -- And let my silence do the talking for me.."

I guess a period could work as well, though.

OVERALL:
It was a little short for my tastes. Actually, I like short and sweet. Maybe I'm just a blunt person. But whatever the case, this wasn't really a one-shot. My memory of OHSHC is a little murky, but I don't remember seeing anywhere in the episodes that Mori didn't not like Haruhi. Maybe he does?

For a one-shot, I always thought it was the pairing of two unlikely characters, or the pairing of two characters after a match has already been made.

You sure do know how to write, as KevinL said, but I also agree about the "no substance" and the "entertaining" aspect of his review. I agree that with such a short little paragraph we didn't learn a whole lot, and it wasn't very entertaining. You sure do know how to write, and burrow into a character's head, but there was no description of the setting, really. Was he at the host club? Or sitting in a park?

This was pretty well written, but not very captivating for the reader, unless it was just a joint paragraph inside a story. Whatever the case, this was okay.

Keep Writing!

I'm happy I'm not the only one who can see Mori with Haruhi :] You captured his thought process very well here, however, I do feel like you need to expose more background information. For people who do not know the series, it's a little vague. But kudos none the less.