Young Writers Society

I wrote this awhile ago, but just remembered it. Figured I post it anyways.

Lyrics are Louis Armstrong's. Jack and Will are Disney's.


I see trees of green, red roses too
I see ‘em bloom, for me and for you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Jack was running, the gun powder, smoke and swaying swords blocked him, but he dodged and turned out of the way. His breath came quickly as he ran and he admitted to himself that he might need to give up his pipe if he was to keep up with this lifestyle. The air was cold, but not quite as cold the water that he found himself falling into. Scrambling in the water to stand he couldn't help but think that the waves slapping on the shore sounded a bit like laugher, splash, hahaha, splash, haha, but that might've been the rum.

When he finally pulled himself from la mar the smoke was clearing and the gun shots were growing more distant. He shivered while the water dripped from his clothes. The salt of the water stung the minor open cuts he had gotten throughout the night.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Jack took a moment to turn around and survey the area, only having a vague idea of where he had ended up. He turned slowly to keep his splashing garments quiet as he wasn't sure if there were any of Jimmy Ruckett's crew left around. He distantly wondered what happened to Will, but didn't dwell, Turner could take care of his own.

As Jack turned the clouds moved to uncover the moon which shed light on a looming shape in the harbor. The Pearl. Jack's face split with a grin as he began to swim towards his ship. And as he swam he thought to himself...What a wonderful world.

Hello, I'll be reviewing you today.
First of all:

His breath came quickly as he ran and he admitted to himself that he might need to give up his pipe if he was to keep up with this lifestyle.

Instead of saying, "and he admitted," maybe you can say, "...as he ran. He admitted..."

The air was cold, but not quite as cold the water that he found himself falling into. Scrambling in the water to stand he couldn't help but think that the waves slapping on the shore sounded a bit like laugher, splash, hahaha, splash, haha, but that might've been the rum.

That fall was a little too sudden. He was running, then immediately he starts falling into the water?

splash, hahaha, splash, haha,

Sorry, but I just had to point out that that was funny.

When he finally pulled himself from la mar the smoke was clearing and the gun shots were growing more distant.

That was also a little sudden. Make him struggle to pull himself out of the water. If the water is cold, then make him feel the coldness.

This is pretty good, but it's lacking a little emotion, and it rushes a little. But work on those two aspects and the piece soon should be great.

Hope that helped!

--Chloe

I think a little more detail is in order. I would like to know where abouts he is, what he's in the middle of a fight that night. When you say that he surveyed the area it wouldn't hurt to describe what he saw, and maybe where he was coming from. "Splash, hahaha, splash, haha" That's definitly a Jack thing to think. I like the way you put the lyrics into the story. It made me laugh and I really enjoyed it.

Thank you both for your input, I'll think about going back and adding more detail and a more thorough explanation.

Thanks again!

Hi.

I think that the interspersing of the song was a tad bizarre. The contrast of the slow song and Jack's running is a bit strange. If you have a strong reason for doing this, I'd reccomend that you elaborate on it, and also that you play up the pace in the rest of the piece to mirror this. Use more details to convey the speed-you can do this through description, but also through your own use of language. For example, you could use strings of adjectives to mirror Jack's pace as he runs. To be honest, I think the last line is cheesey. I'd remove it. If you're sticking with your Louis Armstrong thing, I'd put the last snippet of the song after your last paragraph. Actually, it might be interesting to try this in the present tense.

I'd make a couple of small changes;
I'd make "Jack was running" a sentence in its own right, as I think this would bring the reader into the piece more quickly. Or something like; "Jack ran, dodging the gun powder, smoke and swaying swords." Use your sentence length to mirror his speed.

I'd change;
"but didn't dwell, Turner could take care of his own. "
to
"but he didn't dwell on it. Turner could take care of his own."
Also, did you mean "his own" as in "his own self", or "his own people/things". If the former, I'd try "himself."

You have some good imagery. I especially enjoyed;
" he couldn't help but think that the waves slapping on the shore sounded a bit like laugher, splash, hahaha, splash, haha, but that might've been the rum."
(note-"laugher"is a typo. If you press "edit" and then "check spelling", it will catch your typos.)

and

"the clouds moved to uncover the moon which shed light on a looming shape in the harbor."

Hope this helps.

Jas

Okay, so I took what you all mentioned into account and I changed somethings...though I kept others. Hopefully this is better.

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see ‘em bloom, for me and for you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Jack was running. He, in fact, had been running for quite awhile. Gun powder, smoke and swaying swords blocked his path, but he alternately swayed and dodged out of the way. His breath came quickly as he ran and soon the dirt floor of the forest met sandy beach. Jack made way slowly, the sand sucking his feet in and burning his calves, his breath still shuddering in and out. He admitted to himself that he might need to give up his pipe if he was to keep up with this lifestyle.

The air was sharp and stung his throat. As he continued his pace along the beach he swallowed thickly to sooth the burn and inwardly cursed the cold. The air was far too cold for the Caribbean. But not quite as cold the water that he incidentally found himself falling into. Scrambling in the water to stand he couldn't help but think that the waves slapping on the shore sounded a bit like laughter, splash, hahaha, splash, haha, but that might've been the rum.

In the water he struggled. His clothing was heavy with water and he headed back to shore nearly fell backwards several times. He imagined his crew coming across him floundering around in the water and cursed again. When he finally pulled himself from la mar the smoke was clearing and the gun shots were growing more distant. He shivered while the water dripped from his clothes and squeaked in his boots. Small bumps lined his arms, interspersed with the minor open cuts he had gotten throughout the night. They stung with the salt of the sea.

I see skies of blue, clouds of white
Bright blessed days, dark sacred nights
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Jack took a moment to turn around and survey the area, only having a vague idea of where he had ended up. The night sky obscured much of his vision, but what moonlight escaped from behind the clouds reflected mirror-like on the rippling bay.

He turned slowly to keep his splashing garments quiet as he wasn't sure if there were any of his pursuers left around. He distantly wondered what happened to Will, but didn't dwell on it. Turner could take care of his own.

As Jack turned the clouds moved to uncover the moon which shed light on a looming shape in the harbor. The Pearl. Jack's face split with a grin as he made his way towards harbor. And later, as he rowed out to his ship on a tiny borrowed boat, he thought to himself...What a wonderful world.