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~ Risen ~



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Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:10 am
cnvalambrosia says...



Risen


She patted the last touches of rouge to her face. She disliked the smell. The strong chemical flavor it kept was all too unnatural for her. But it did make her face appeal fairer, if that was possible, and it was widely in fashion throughout Paris of the day. Renauld wouldn't notice the stench anyway he was too overlooking for that.

Any girl would be thrilled at the idea of dancing with the rich and overly handsome frenchmen. Lucia was just as excited. This was the moment she had been waiting for all her life.

She stood slowly smoothing her dress. The delicate perrywinkle satin clung to her shoulders and waist flattering her elgant neck and the twinkling golden chain around it. The gown draped to the floor fluttering at the slightest breeze. Her father would have called her beautiful. He would have been so proud.

There was only one thing she had to tweak. Centered between her colar bones laid against her pale skin was the twinkling, golden cross. It stood apart from anything she wore and she had worn it since her first day. That wouldn't do, she thought to herself. Unclasping it at the back she lifted her left ankle to the cushion of the vanity stool. Lucia wrapped the delicate chain around her ankle, clasped it, and tucked it into her stockings. Now she was ready.

~~~

Spinning around in a waltz through the ballroom she knew it wouldn't happen here. It was far too bright and too many people. She knew he knew better than to ask her here. It could hardly be called suitable in this position.

Looking up into his eyes nose to nose she saw how his dark eyes loomed into hers. He had to do this fast or she would loose her nerve all to quickly.

"Renauld?" Lucia whispered.

"Yes,"his voice seeped into her nostrils. She would take this into her own hands.

"Let's get some fresh air," she smiled pulling away only the slightest bit.

"Oh, how sorry I am . We have been dancing for hours," he smiled emphathetically, "Shall I get you a drink?

"Actually, yes," she was surprised at how thirsty she was.

He nodded turning as she did in turn towards the patio doors.

The night was cool cleansing her breathing and hot face. She pressed against the gardrails taking in the magic God seemed to hide from everyone else. The beauty of the night.

He was behind her at once. Lucia never heard him but sensed how he seemed to give off an air. He set the wine in front of her on the gardrail.Faking a jump she turned to his chuckling face.

"Do you like frightening innocent young women, Monsier?" Lucia took a sip and over the wine glass whispered, "or just me?"

"Only you, madam," his French accent was strong but his English was perfect.

Lucia turned back too the gardrail and looked out over the field of trees grinning. The fog was beginning to come in dewing the grass for the morning. The moon lighting the fog was like a reflection that illuminated the entire yard of perfectly rowed trees.

"Isn't it beautiful?"Lucia gripped the rail.

"What is?" his presence seeped around her.

"The night," her body was wanting to act on its own.

"You honestly think so?" his hands were on her waste.

"Honestly," her grip was unbreakable, "completely."

"I love it also," his chin on her shoulder.

She let go,"Let's walk about the yard," She was tired of talking like this, so refined.

They went down the small steps into the yard sweeping through the fog. They were almost there to that point. That point where there was no going back. He stopped with that speed she had always heard of. She was dipped down so quickly, That a boy!

"Lucienne," he hummed, his face lingering over her throat.

"Yes," she answered softly.

"You have such a beautiful name," his mouth was on her jaw bone.

"You think so?"

He hummed.

"Do you know what it means?" she felt so confident.

He didn't pull his head up to question so Lucia went on, "It means 'the light'."

She felt his jaw twitch only the slightest, "And yet you crave the darkness?"

[/b]The night.[b]

"Lucienne," he suddenly sounded desperate, "The night is ours if you will spend eternity with me."

"Allright," she flinched, not the answer he could have expected from a lady.

Slowly he backed against a nearby tree and pulled across his heart, or where it should have been, a long, gaping cut. She knew what to do.

"Come, drink of my blood, and I drink of yours, and we will be forever," he spread out his arms.

I bet that's what you tell all the girls, she grimaced. She came taking her time, because that's what he would have willed her to do. She was thrust against his cold bare chest. The tiny amounts of blood trickled over her finger nails. She breathed deeply, this was it. From a hidden pocket on her waist she took what she needed.

Feeling her fingers along the cut she looked up at Renauld, "My father named me for the light, because that's what he had been protecting all along."

Renauld twitched.

"Now that's my job," she jabbed the garlic deep into his chest before he could react. It felt like sticking your hands deep in the snow.

His entire body vibrated, "Luc-Luccienne-I-I," then his whole attitude changed.

Suddenly he was changed from a gentle, french pacifist into a creature that seemed consumed by vengeful bloodlust. He swayed like a dog with rabies and fleas. He ripped at his chest trying to eliminate his hemorage.

"My name is Lucia," with that she took the cross from her ankle and the steak on her leg.

Her footing rocked back to her heeals as she dodged his repetive reaches for her face. It felt as though she could never get around the claws whichwere so intent on her blood being on the ground

He lunged," And what is the rest of it?" He was ragged tearing at her face trying to get around the cross that she held out to him.

"I think you know it, Renauld," she stalked forward her left arm extended the right pulled back trembling, she was afraid.

"I--I do-Help me along," he stuttered drooling everywhere, "Won't you?" His back was on the tree.

"Van Helsing," she closed in.

"The great! The-," he began spitting obsceneties.

She threw the jagged silver into his heart.

He crumpled to the ground screaming.

"Yes, did you know him?" she trembled for home.

His screaming stopped and a last smile hung suspended in the air.

"I knew your mother."

Her body went rigged.

"Very lovely lady."

She knealed over his burning carcass.

"She died as she deserved to!" He hissed.

She pressed the cross to his forehead and watched as his ashes exploded before its light.

He screeched,"You will die the same!"

Silence fell, the air had ever been so still.

Lucia crossed herself. She spit on the ashes, that's all that they were now.
Last edited by cnvalambrosia on Sun Aug 16, 2009 9:58 pm, edited 6 times in total.
~C.N.

"Out here, I believe in everything. Every leaf, every flower. Birds, the air. Just a feeling that I cannot explain."Green Mansions(1959)
  





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Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:19 am
cnvalambrosia says...



thank you for reading!
Last edited by cnvalambrosia on Sun Jul 05, 2009 1:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
~C.N.

"Out here, I believe in everything. Every leaf, every flower. Birds, the air. Just a feeling that I cannot explain."Green Mansions(1959)
  





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Gender: Male
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Fri Jun 26, 2009 5:16 pm
Rj Rock says...



This is amazing! I'm so glad you reviewed mine and asked me to review yours because if you hadn't I would never of have found it because I don't normally read the fan fiction stories. I really enjoyed it for many reasons...
1) It's about vampires which is brilliant because I'm totally into horror especially Darren Shan's books, have you read them because if you haven't you should?
2)you have a brilliant, descriptive, elegant writing style which just flow wickedly.
3) as for the actual plot i was heavily impressed because the are now so many things i now want to know about Lucia Van Helsing, her past , what she does (does she treat killing vampires as a job or does she have some personal grudge against this specific vampire?) what happened to her mum?

To improve it i suggest you try to make it clearer about who is speaking and I demand that you write more and that you pm when you post it.
  





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Mon Jul 06, 2009 3:18 am
Cheshire-Writer says...



I loved this. I was afraid it was going to be a cliche Vamp/Human romance, though a more well written than most of the ones I've read. I hope you continue this.
  





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Sat Jul 11, 2009 2:57 am
Revan says...



Quite interesting. I like the twist, and the lead into the twist. Very well-crafted. Typically, readers go into these and expect to see vampire/human romance. You took that desire and completely tripped them up, and they became attached.

All I can say is that you should tune it up, add more detail, and clear up the flow of action towards the end. Action scenes should be fast-paced, but readers should be able to follow along quite easily.


If you want, send me a message and I will critique the piece as well.
  





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Mon Jul 20, 2009 2:16 pm
PINKstripedSOCKS says...



This was actually really interesting. I never expected that at the end. It made want to keep reading. The dialogue was good and so were the descriptions. There was some spelling errors, but not that much. Anyway, can't wait to read the rest!
  





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Tue Jul 21, 2009 12:37 am
meggy86 says...



I love it! Just watch out it doesn't get to Twilighty and cliche.
  





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Reviews: 25
Tue Jul 21, 2009 11:50 pm
cnvalambrosia says...



Don't worry it's NOTHING like Twilight!

If you are interested check out Part 2... And please, Let me know if I'm doing something right.

Thanx.
~C.N.

"Out here, I believe in everything. Every leaf, every flower. Birds, the air. Just a feeling that I cannot explain."Green Mansions(1959)
  








cron
May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year