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Born From Revenge



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13 Reviews



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Points: 1240
Reviews: 13
Sun Jan 11, 2009 9:43 pm
Teigue says...



This is NOT my first Percy and the Olympians, it's my 2nd. Maybe I'll put my first one up sometime, but anyway please enjoy!



I knew I was a demigod. I just didn’t know who my father was. I found out in a type of dream. I say it‘s a dream because it‘s so unrealistic it can‘t be called reality. I don’t think I can ever forget it. I was six, and I was not the most careful or precautious child. I was a surprisingly active girl for someone who was taciturn. However, that’s to be expected if you have ADHD. I had too much energy, and I often had what appeared to others as a currish manner to those in power, but for the most part, I was a quiet child. I didn’t speak much I preferred to sing; correction, I loved to sing, but never in front of people. My mother would sometimes sing with me, she had a gorgeous voice. When I did speak, I spoke in my head instead of using words. Though many thought I was arrogant or fatuous, I didn’t really care. But my mother told me that if I were to last anywhere I’d have to behave, and respond when people talk to me. And on occasion, I would heed my mothers order to speak when spoken to.
My mother was always very protective over me, wanting to make sure she knew where I was at all times. Though I don’t know why. She was big on self-defense. She signed me up for multiple martial arts classes, so it wasn’t like I didn’t know how to disarm someone that would try to threaten me. And I have a few times. There was once a boy who was annoying me to an extreme length. I didn’t hurt him, I merely jabbed him a couple times in a few pressure points and he was paralyzed. My mother scolded me but I thought it was worth it. That boy wouldn’t come near me again.
Anyway, I’m getting off-track. About this dream I had, I distinctly remember that it was on my 6th birthday after my mother had given me a golden locket slightly larger than the norm. In it was a photo of her and me smiling. Within the locket was a small mechanism that when I turned gave off a sweet little melody. The pictures turned on the left part of the locket, and every once in a while the song changed. I listened to it every night before I fell asleep. She gave it to me when I asked about my father, and she said ‘we don’t need him, and you don’t need to worry about him. As long as we have the two people in that locket right?’ I agreed to every word she said and didn’t think about him again. I had wandered into the forest nearby. It wasn’t on purpose. It was winter, and butterflies flew in flocks of hundreds on that day. Thinking on it now, I see that it’s strange that butterflies appear at such a strange time, but as a hyperactive kid, I of course wanted to go after them. I was so fascinated by the fluttering beings; I had forgotten that I wasn’t supposed to leave the area my mother had told me to stay in. While chasing the wings flying in pairs, I heard a growling noise and turned to see what I thought was a bear. But when I heard it bark I knew it was a dog. An abnormally large black dog. No wonder I thought it was a bear, it was big enough to be one.
“Puppy!” I yelled with childish glee. The dog jumped over me and attacked something. “Puppy where are you going?” I loved animals, and I had no problem talking to them. A shrill yell and a malicious bark were emitted and the Hound came back, looked at me, and disappeared.
“You are the daughter of a god. Do not be so reckless. There are those who wish to harm you.,” a voice said. I thought it was the dog talking to me. Before I got to respond to my epiphany or vision or whatever it was, my mother came running frantically through the dense growth of trees.
“Adalyn! Adalyn where are you!” I didn’t respond to my mother’s call I was after all a silent child for the most part. My mother rushed to where I was and picked me up examining me to see if I was hurt. When she was satisfied, that I had no injury she set me down and her expression was something that could only be said in one word: furious. “Adalyn Elysia! Why didn’t you answer when I called you! And why did you leave when I specifically told you not to go anywhere!” she yelled at me. I lowered my eyes not saying anything. My mother got down to my height. “Lynnie…,” she wrapped her arms around me. I can never forget my mom’s warm grasp how she always had a faint scent of roses around her. How her eyes always peered past what I didn’t say. And how she understood that even though I didn’t talk, I still spoke loudly. “Don’t scare me like that. I don’t want to lose you,” she spoke softly.
“I’m sorry mama… I wont make you sad again, I‘ll try to be good from now on,” when I verbalized those words, tears started going down her face. “I love you mama,”
“I love you to Adalyn,” When I spoke, it was like a lunar eclipse. Rarely happens, but when it does its always a sight to see. Well in this case a sight to hear. We walked back to the house. “Adalyn, did you hear anything?” I didn’t reply. “Did you see anything?” I nodded. “What was it? Do you know?”
“A puppy,” I said. My mother asked me to say it again for she couldn’t hear me. My voice was naturally soft and hard to hear. “It was a very large puppy,”
“Did it hurt you?” I shook my head. I thought that night on what the dog or voice had said to me. ‘You are the daughter of a god’ I didn’t know anything of gods, but I was intrigued and wanted to know more. When I asked my mother if she would get me books on Greek mythology she was puzzled but said she would happily oblige to my request. I had asked her to help me read. She was shocked when I was stuck on the easy words like ‘and, to, god, of,’ words like that. When I was eight, she had me take this test. It was the hardest test I’ve ever had. Some man with more crevices on his face than of that on a tree sat before me with his hands folded. Him sitting there just looking at me made me uncomfortable. He said to relax and to do the best I could. He said all I had to do was read the words on the page to him. I wondered why he couldn’t read it himself but I was not to be rude. I looked at the page filled with simple sentences and froze. I had trouble reading the words. Some were upside-down, sideways, or crooked. Others looked like symbols, and didn’t want to stay on the lines on which they where written. I made up a few words along the way, but eventually just stopped. He asked what was wrong but I didn’t say anything. After about 15 minutes of my silence and his barraging questions that I refused to answer, he took the paper from me and left the room. My mother then walked in. “Adalyn how many times must I tell you to respond when people talk to you? People will think you‘re rude. You don‘t want that do you?” when I looked at my mother she sighed, knowing that I didn’t really care. “What am I going to do with you my child?” I shrugged and smiled lightly. My smile made my mom laugh. Her laughter was music to my ears. It was a sweet tune that made everything wrong right. Only later did I find out what the test was for. I was dyslexic. My mom tried to help me understand and read better but it didn’t work very well. She quickly accepted my disabilities, and treated me as she always had, with love, discipline, and humor. I was glad she didn’t treat me different.
Now I’m in seventh grade, and going to a new school. But this school is a boarding school. I didn’t understand why my mom wanted to send me away. She said I’d make friends and I’d be safe. But I said that I was safe with her. Maybe she just doesn’t want me anymore. I was a troublesome menace in class at my old school. Though I’ve never done anything wrong, apparently, I’ve been rude, dismissive, and my favorite, possibly deranged or inhabited by an evil spirit. Maybe my mom just doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. Either way I’d be sent off to some school by the end of the summer where I‘d have ‘a lot of adventures’. Whatever adventures I have couldn’t be the same as the ones I’ve had this year.
I’ve had… encounters if you want to call them that. I think it’s because I’m the daughter of a god. Although I was young when I heard some voice tell me I was a demigod, I believed it thoroughly. It wasn’t some make-believe game that children play. I was very sophisticated for my age, and I trusted what the voice said. Besides, the encounters somehow knew I was a demigod for they said. “Die half-blood!” I assumed it was the same. Whether it is a small mishap at the pool where I ‘fall’ and nearly drown, or in the forest where some tree tries to topple over me they were far from accidents. Though I’ve never been directly affected or even seen these things, I hear them, telling me to die. I’m partially thankful to those accidents for they’ve sharpened my senses to the point. I can immediately feel when a calamity is about to happen. Its as if I have a 6th sense was instilled in me telling me ‘something’s wrong’. My mother quickly caught on to these encounters and wanted me to stay inside as much as I could. However, I just couldn’t stay in all day. I lay in bed one day thinking… why do they want me dead? I haven’t figured out the answer yet. Also, if I’m some half-blood why don’t I have any miraculous powers? What does it matter anyway? I shouldn’t be worrying about trifling demigod problems, I should be worrying about how I’m going to fair in this new school. I’ve never really had friends before. I wonder what they’re like.
“Adalyn, come here please,” I heard my mothers voice. But it didn’t sound the same, it sounded… flirtatious. I walked downstairs to see my mother cuddling with another man. I hated each guy she was with. “This is Tommy. I met him at work,” I looked at him. His black hair was far from groomed, his clothing looked far from professional, and his cologne was far from sparsely used. And he gave me a feeling that made me not want to be around him. A feeling of caution.
Last edited by Teigue on Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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122 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1656
Reviews: 122
Mon Jan 12, 2009 1:54 pm
WaterVyper says...



First of all, please review two works before you post anything. Otherwise, I'll get to it. Nitpicky stuff first.

correction I loved


There should be a comma after 'correction'.

times. Though I don’t know why


I think you can join those two sentences together, using a comma instead.

'we don’t


You should capitalize that, since it's the start of a piece of dialogue.

100s


It would be much better if you wrote the number out, i.e. hundreds

.,”


Um, mini-typo there. There should only be one punctuation mark.

call I was


Put a period in between 'call' and 'I'.

picked me up examining


Comma after 'up'

warm grasp how


Grasp sounds awkward here. Maybe you could replace it with 'hold' or something? Also, I think you should separate the 'how' and make it a new sentence.

now on,” when


Replace the comma with a period, and capitalize 'when'.

Adalyn,” me


Same thing with the above, comma replacement and capitalization. There isn't a verb (such as said or yelled or asked) so you make it a new sentence.

sight to hear


Ah, sound to hear? You can't hear a sight, unless you have synesthesia.

15 minutes


Again, write out numbers, please.

when I looked


Capitalize 'when'

you my child?


A comma would work really well after 'you'

Its


That should be It's. Its is the possessive form of it, and It's is a contraction of it is.

fair


Should be 'fare'.

work,”


Replace the comma with a period.

Well, that's it for nitpicking. I'm sorry to say this, but your character seems like a Mary Sue. Sorry, but she does. Sharpened senses, and sophisticated for a young kid? I apologize if this is offending. Also, the last part was very similar to that scene from the original series, that the mother was seeing somebody that the child didn't approve of.

This could use a little polishing, but it is okay. Sorry, but I don't have anything else I want to say. Again, sorry.
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.
  





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Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:34 pm
Amniel says...



Okay now for the review. I think your idea is interesting, but sometimes blocky language and a start without anything to really make us care what happens, makes it hard for me to keep interested. Also you're being really vague, not telling about the surroundings and what the character looks like. Showing is almost always better than telling etc. "I walked home sick," versus. "I wobbled towards home, my steps faltering as my stomach churned and water flooded out of my eyes." Unless you did your first chapter so on purpose, and begin to be more specific in the following chapters.

100s
argh! It annoys me when people use numbers to write amounts instead of writing them. 100s seems amateurish. Please change it into "hundreds". You are doing the same thing elswhere in the story and hope you will fix them.

me speaking was like a lunar eclipse
This is really a sentence which disrupts the flow of the story and is probably not even grammarily correct. Change it to "when I spoke it was like a lunar eclipse" or something similar.

Well that is all. I hope you will fix the few things I told you about and then you will have a great story going. I really like the way you ended the chapter.

-Amniel, the crazy one
  





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Reviews: 27
Sat Mar 07, 2009 11:49 pm
flowerchild says...



I am a big fan of this series and my friend is amzing at writing fanfictions about it. To sum up I am slightly obsessed. Also I want to make a prediction and tell you to make it slightly more grasping at the beginning. I think that "Tommy" is the god, Ares. Am I right?
Pajamas are the best kind of clothing.
  





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Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:40 pm
chasingcolts21 says...



Hello! My name is Colt, and I'll be reviewing your story today. Now, I opened this because I seen that it what it was a fan fiction for. I love Percy Jackson, for I'm a Greek freak.

The grammar has been picked apart already (darn!) so I'll just voice a few things I noticed.

Your style seems like Rick Riordan's (the author) which is good for a fanfic, but be careful. You don't want it to be too close. It was hard to determine whether it was a long synopsis (summary) or a Chapter 1. You could make a novel easily out of this.

I know in elementary school they say to write out numbers until ten, then just do this: 10. DON'T do that, it makes you look bad, and, hey, it adds to your word count.

You left too much of a cliff-hanger; you need to add on, like a Chapter 2/sequel type thing. I really liked it. Another thing I noticed was lack of description. Overall, it was excellent. Bravo.
"We would accomplish many more things if we didn't think of them as impossible." Vince Lombardi

~You've just been ticketed by the Grammar Police! 1000 word essay fine.
  





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Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:34 am
Marloa says...



This was really interesting! I want to read more. I, myself am a HUGE Percy Jackson and the Olympians fan, I am crazy about it!

I'm soo happy there was a fanfic about this so thank-you sooo much!

I might submit some Percy Jackson stuff soon!

Marloa
  





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Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:42 pm
Mira says...



First of all, I love Percy Jackson and the Olympians! It's one of my favorite series and just really amazing.

This was really good and really interesting. The grammar and sentence structure was rough in a few places, but overall, I really liked it.

A few nitpicks:

“I’m sorry, Mama… I won't make you sad again, I‘ll try to be good from now on.” When I verbalized those words, tears started rolling down her face. “I love you, Mama.”


She was shocked when I was stuck on the easy words like ‘and, to, god, of,’ words like that.


This was a little awkward for me, but I think 'words like that' is what made it seem that wya to me. Perhaps if you changed the sentence a little or get rid of that ending.

By the way...
There was once a boy who was annoying me to an extreme length. I didn’t hurt him, I merely jabbed him a couple times in a few pressure points and he was paralyzed. My mother scolded me but I thought it was worth it. That boy wouldn’t come near me again.

This was hilarious! Loved it!

@;-
"Smiles make the world go round." ~ Me
  





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Sat Oct 31, 2009 1:11 am
nee96 says...



that was good
  








I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss