Young Writers Society

Nancy Drew’s first 5 min. Mystery!
The mystery of the stolen locket!


* I know the grammar will not be perfect. Please don’t comment on wrong grammar and spelling.*

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Note from the author:

This is the first story I have written. I always have and always will read and love Nancy Drew Mysteries! This is just the first paragraph! If you like it please tell me and I will continue to write. I just wanted to see if Nancy Drew would be like by the readers.
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Here are some main characters:

Nancy Drew- A amateur sleuth. Her best friends are Bess and George. She is known to solve many cases and is quick minded and very intelligent! Her father is Carson Drew. Nancy’s mother died when she was young and ever since that she has been mothered by Hannah Gruen.

Bess Marvin- Nancy’s best friend. She is often considered pleasantly plump and to be the romantic one of the friends. She is cousins with George.

George Fayne- George is a athletic girl who is cousins with George. She is skinny but not as pretty as Bess. She is often more eager to take risks then her cousin Bess.

Carson Drew- Nancy’s dad. He is a well known lawyer who has never lost a case.

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Mystery (First Paragraph) :

“ Nancy I believe I have a surprise for you”, said Carson Drew with a twinkle in his eye. Like always, Nancy knew her father had another mystery for her. “Oh dad, please don’t keep me in suspense!” Nancy begged. “Ok, I’ve been asked to take up a case. A man name Mr. Link came to me asking for help. He had been reported to have stolen a locket.” Carson commented. “But, dad a locket is a locket why would this have had the poor man so worried?” “Ahh, I was just getting there, if you would be patient. The locket is worth very much. It was covered with jewels of all types. Mr. Link said he was set up, but has no proof. He would like for you to investigate.” Carson said. Quickly, Nancy agreed to take the case and start investigating. She called Bess and George and they both agreed to help with the mystery.

Hi! Welcome to YWS! It's a great place to have your work reviewed, so return the favor! You should have two reviews before you post your own work.

Also, I believe this should have been posted in fan fiction.

This is verrrrry short.

Some critique:

-Whenever a different person speaks, start a new paragraph.
-you just throw us into the plot. Give us some background information. What is Nancy doing when her fathre comes in? Stuff like that.
-use description. This is mainly dialogue.

-Sakura

*moved*

Hi! Welcome to YWS!!

I agree it's a very (emphasis on that) short paragraph. It needs to be a bit more than just dialogue.

You need to introduce the people (not just descriptive before the story but when they enter your plot.
You need to give a description of their moods the mood in the room, etc.
Even if it is a 5 minute story, use description.

It's really nice to see someone posting a mystery.

Just remember that you need to review any 2 things before posting your work.

Enjoy!


-Lava

Hey, you.

Welcome to the YWS ^^

About your work:

It's short, as the other reviewers have mentioned *nods* and I'd advice you to post more than one paragraph at a time. Also, don't give us a list of characters before you start the story; you should write the character development into the story itself ^.^

Here's a few nitpicks:

- “ Nancy I believe I have a surprise for you”, said Carson Drew with a twinkle in his eye.

Does he only have one eye, or two eyes?

- Your dialogue is good, though keep in mind: Every new speaker should be a new paragraph.

- Add some description. Give us some background information. Set the atmosphere.

Where are they? What do they look like? What are their voices like? What was she doing before he walked in? Those kinds of things are easy to add into your story, and they really do a lot for a piece of work. Keep in mind that your characters are supposed to be 'real people'. People hardly ever stand perfectly still and listen to someone. They'll be fidgeting with their sleeve, pushing their glasses higher up their nose, scratching their arm, anything like that.

- Quickly, Nancy agreed to take the case and start investigating. She called Bess and George and they both agreed to help with the mystery.

Show, don't tell (this is commonly said here on YWS, I reckon every single person that posted here has gotten this as a comment at least once ^^) Show us what she does. Don't tell us. Don't simply say "She called Bess." but rather show her picking up the phone, dialing the number, etc. You don't have to include every detail of what happens, but it doesn't do much good for the story if you shorten important facts - such as the friends agreeing to help her - into a one-sentence thing. It makes the story appear rushed.

Do post more of your work, dear, and do let me know when you post something (PM me or leave a message in my guestbook, if you want me to review it).

XxxDo

Hi, Welcome to YWS

Okay first things first, write more!! Not just because it's best to post in chapters rather than paragraphs (which it most definitely is), but your readers want to be introduced to the charactors and setting first before the action starts. With Nancy Drew stories the author (sorry, can't remember the name) usually shows us around the area that Nancy is going to be working in, and introduces us to the main players in the crime/investigation before actually telling us that something has happened. She uses Nancy's meeting of the charactors to show their personalities and relationships with each other. Have you thought about these factors yet?

I know you've said that you don't think the grammar will be right, and that can be understandable to some extent, but I'm afraid that you need to check it before you post. Try typing it up in a word document first, or better yet, use the spelling check option that is available when you post. however I'm not sure if that will pick up on things like starting a new paragraph whenever someone else starts talking or whenever a new idea is presented.

“ Nancy I believe I have a surprise for you”, said Carson Drew with a twinkle in his eye.

Like always, Nancy knew her father had another mystery for her. “Oh dad, please don’t keep me in suspense!” Nancy begged.

“Ok, I’ve been asked to take up a case. A man name Mr. Link came to me asking for help. He had been reported to have stolen a locket.” Carson commented.

“But, dad a locket is a locket why would this have had the poor man so worried?”

“Ahh, I was just getting there, if you would be patient. The locket is worth very much. It was covered with jewels of all types. Mr. Link said he was set up, but has no proof. He would like for you to investigate.” Carson said.

Quickly, Nancy agreed to take the case and start investigating. She called Bess and George and they both agreed to help with the mystery.

That's the basic way it should be formatted.

Alright, you've said that this is your first piece of writing ever, but if you've been reading (which you obviously have or you wouldn't be writing Nancy Drew) then you should be able to tell these sorts of things. Sometimes the best thing to do when you're learning to write well, is to pick up a book and analyse how the author has written it. How have they presented the charactors? How have they presented the setting? How have they described the setting? The action? The charactors? these are all important dimentions to story writing. Also try analysing the plot. look for the introduction, the rising action (in the case of Nancy Drew this would be when she is investigating), the anti-climax, the second rising action, and the climax. note that quite often there are multiple false climaxes, especially in mysteries, and therefore multiple rising actions. After the true climax there should be a falling action and a conclusion. All these things are nessecary for the plot to interest and entice the reader. So I suggest you pick up a Nancy Drew book that you've already read (so that you're not concentrating on what actually happens) and figure out all these aspects. Then bring them into your writing.

I want to see your next piece of writing so PM me when you've posted it.

Well, firstly, welcome to YWS and secondly, this is one of the first NANCY DREW fan-fics I've come across. I absolutely love Nancy Drew mysteries and have a collection of over 100 books, including some first editions. Yes, this story is short, but the narrative is just as good as any Nancy Drew opening, because Nancy is always caught up in the beginning of a mystery. The beauty of the Nancy Drew books is that they use normal everyday situations and create mysteries of them without resorting to sarcasm and satire.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I think all that needs to be said has been said already by my fellow critiques, so I will just say that I hope you continue this and bring Nancy back to fashion as she deserves.

*lilmisswritergal*

Hi!
Welcome to YWS. I am thirteen, and also like you, I was a newbie. I know what it’s like when you first join YWS, but let me just tell you that you’ll get used to it all fairly quickly. You made a good choice; you’ll definitely have a good time here.

As far as critique goes:

Whenever a person speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. I do like how you made the dialogue sound like a Nancy Drew books (I am a fan myself), but there’s just a little too much dialogue. Maybe you could describe it the situation a little further? A common piece of writing advice: show, don’t tell. Show how the room looks when Nancy walks in. Show the expressions on their faces. Show the way the sun glitters on Carson’s (insert colour) eyes.

If you have any problems/questions, feel free to PM me.
fragile_heart(!)

Hey Omi!

You did a pretty good job on this piece. It really has the feel of a Nancy Drew mystery. I can tell you read them a lot. The only thing though, this next sentence,

"He had been reported to have stolen a locket"
makes it sound like Mr. Link had stolen a locket. It should probably be something like "He reported that his locket was stolen." or something like that. But that's the only thing, besides a little grammar and punctuation, but you knew that already. So anyway, like some of the others said, you should expand it and give us a taste of your writing style. Good job though!

Vet

Hiya! This is just like a real Nancy Drew book, which are my favorites too. My favorite nancy drew book is the one when they mix nancy drew and the hardy boys together. It was really good. Have you read it yet? Anyways, this was really short but that makes me want to read more of it!
Some suggestions:
-"Ok, I've been asked to take up a case..." I think "Ok" should be okay instead but i suppose you could leave it as it is.
-"Nancy *comma* I believe i have a surprise..."
- "The locket is worth very much..." maybe change it to worth a lot of money, instead.
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Thats it! Good job, though, since its your first story you did pretty well.
Please PM me when you write more:)
-Storm_Bringer

Omi~*~Forever wrote:
“ Nancy [s]I believe[/s] I have a surprise for you”, said Carson Drew with a twinkle in his eye. Like always, Nancy knew her father had another mystery for her. “Oh dad, please don’t keep me in suspense!” Nancy begged. “Ok, I’ve been asked to take up a case. A man name Mr. Link came to me asking for help. He had been reported to have stolen a locket.” Carson commented. “But, dad a locket is a locket why would this have had the poor man so worried?” “Ahh, I was just getting there, if you would be patient. The locket is worth very much. It was covered with jewels of all types. Mr. Link said he was set up, but has no proof. He would like for you to investigate.” Carson said. Quickly, Nancy agreed to take the case and start investigating. She called Bess and George and they both agreed to help with the mystery.

Does he know he has a surprise, or is he mot sure?

He stole a locket and reported it? I think you should rearrange it.

Um.. yeah, what everyone else said!

Hi, Omi! Nice to meet you!

-ClimberSquirrel

Welcome to Young Writer's Society!!

This sounds like a good plot, but you really should write more. All I know is that a locket was stolen. Give some more details and you could really get some people hooked. I love Nancy Drew, and would like to read the rest of this.

The plot line is really good, but you kind of just hand it to us immediately. in the story we have no idea where they are, what they are doing, or anything. the dad just comes in and speaks. my advice would be to set the scene before you even start with the actual thing you are getting to. it gives the reader an image of what is going on. Other then that, good job!

Ok, I love Nancy Drew she is one of my many faves and I like the idea you have about a stolen locket. You are extremely creative but as the others said you need more description before the plot. Take the format of the books and apply it to this story add description and detail to your story. What are they doing before Nancy's father comes in?What are Bess and George doing? Imagine if someone who has never read or heard of Nancy Drew mysteries reads this. Write as if your audience has never heard of Nancy Drew.

I'm not going to repeat what everyone has already said. But I do wish you'd add a little bit of detail just so I can form a mental picture of what's happening. Even though since I saw the old Nancy Drew movie I kind of have a feeling of what's going on. I really like your idea and I hope to read more. (: