Young Writers Society

I can't think of a name, so if you have suggestions, please post them. Anyway, here's to Redwall!

Chapter One

From the diary of Deidan, historian and recorder of Redwall Abbey.


All is peaceful. The birds are singing, the insects buzzing. I can hear the Dibbuns "helping" in the orchard. It is the end of The Summer of the Copper Rose. We never did have such beautiful roses as this summer!

Blackcurrant wine, fizzy Strawberry Cordial, October Ale from two autumns ago, and goodness knows what else! Oh, and Barley Water! All these delicious drinks brewed by the Stickleback family are to be used at this coming feast. I did mention the feast didn’t I? My mind is overrun with thoughts about it. It is our good Abbess Latter Rose’s tenth jubilee.

The otters, (excluding my good self), are gathering water shrimp, penny cress, and water chestnut. Half of them are really playing around, but Skipper is doing well enough without them. They will soon traverse Mossflower and invite all the woodlanders to come to our feast when they are done.

Hmmm.. I smell something good! That must be good old Friar Burdock is in his kitchen preparing the food. Pastries, pies, soups, candied chestnuts, salads, cheeses, cakes, puddings, and other tasty morsels. His staff of helpers are also down there. I can smell it from here, the otters have returned and are making hot root soup. It is a favorite of the otters, myself included. I don't suppose they would mind if I popped in to see what help they need? But first, I must wash off this ink! It gets tiresome writing and keeping track of all these diaries! Perhaps I will retire and let young Tarrel take over. She is very eager to learn the way of a scholar.


Deidan, (Recorder of Redwall Abbey.)

Hey,

Pretty good work!

I saw no grammar mistakes, and the way it is read, it could almost come right out of Redwall.
Simply said though, before this piece, some action, or at least some dialogue/enter a character is needed, because even in the spirit of classic Redwall feasts, (of which this does an excellent job of describing) this is kinda boring for an introduction.

As an introduction for the first chapter however this would work great. And since this is just fanfiction which isn't exactly writing stories (debatable) I applaud you!

RW

Thanks, I'll add in more A.S.A.P. I'll pm you when I've added it. Should I add the action or dialogue/character entry before or after the entry? As for the beginning, I read part of Mattimeo, and made my own characters and diary entry. I changed a few things and added some, so I'm not actually copying it, am I? BTW, any suggestions on the title? I still haven't. Maybe if I add more I'll think of one. Thanks again!







-ClimberSquirrel

Hey, don't be in to much of a hurry, even though it's fanfiction. It's good to wait at least 3 days for other people to see and crit, and give them time to write one. Some people, (including me) read something, leave, and then the next day come back and crit it.
IMHO a character entry would work best, you wouldn't even need dialogue; kindof picture it, an otter, or something, walking through the shade of oak trees on some green mossy bankside. Then a few words to a friend or a typical bad guy ferret would make for a very shadowy, mysterious, "What's going on?" moment.
Then flipping to your wonderful first chapter introduction the story could proceed to develop.
Since this is fanfiction you aren't copying anything at all, as far as I can tell, as long as it's not exactly the same thing, you're good.

And I have no idea for a title yet, though it's not really needed for a while anyway.

Snap... I write long reponses..

RW

ClimberSquirrel, edits by Meep wrote:All is peaceful. The birds are singing, the insects buzzing. I can hear [s]the abbey babes, known as the [/s]Dibbuns[s],[/s] helping in the orchard.

Anyone reading this record (or fic ) would know who/what the Dibbuns are, so you don't need to say.

ClimberSquirrel, edits by Meep wrote:It is the beginning of The Autumn of the Fallen Leaves.

Doncha think this is kind of a redundant name for an autumn? Pick something particular about this autumn; leaves always fall in, well, fall.

Other than that, I think you've got a pretty good start, except for a couple of things: One, you haven't really introduced much of a plot, and two, this reads a lot like the opening of pretty much every Redwall novel. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, just something to keep in mind. You don't have to imitate an author's style when writing fanfiction.

The other thing I'd consider is just tightening up word choice, especially things that the readers might already know (eg: with the Dibbuns). Also, try not to copy too much. Just taking the original and changing a few things doesn't really count.

I'll be sure to check back for more.

If I didn't know I would of thought it was Brian Jaques himself. You have same writing style. and I mean that in a good way. (But please, don't TRY to write like somebody else intentionally. But you probably didn't try it. )


excellent description. It makes me feel like I can smell it myself. good work

Sorry it took so long to reply, but thanks for the suggestions! I think I'll change it to the end of Summer, because I have some better names for it. I was pretty desperate when I wrote the season name.

(But please, don't TRY to write like somebody else intentionally. But you probably didn't try it. )

You are right, I didn't mean to write it like Brian Jaques intentionally. I was just caught up in his stories, if you know what I mean. I f you don't, ignore my ramblings!

Then a few words to a friend or a typical bad guy ferret would make for a very shadowy, mysterious, "What's going on?" moment.

I remember how Brian Jaques would have a poem or song in the beginning. he sometimes had a couple of chapters with the bad guys or the hares of Salamandastron.(Love that name!) Is that what you mean?

Once again, I thank you for your critiques, and I will fix those errors you pointed out.



-ClimberSquirrel

I'm a big fan of the Redwall books, and this is probably the best fanfic I've read so far (but I haven't read many)! It would be hard to come up with a title at this point in the story, since we really don't know what's going to happen yet. Your descriptions were flawless, very similar in style to Brian Jacque's own. I'll have to follow this one and see where it leads! Very nice job!

If only my brothers could give me a critique like that! Thanks for pointing out the title thing. BTW, which books have you read? I've read all of them, unless any have come out since Eulailia.*Not sure if any have*


Thanks for your critique! I'll post more when I get a couple more critiques.






-ClimberSquirrel

The Summer of the Copper Rose

Very nice choice of season name!

I know that you don't have to write in the style of the original writer, but from a character perspective, sentences like these two:

They are supposed to go

I’m off to the kitchens

don't seem very Redwallian, so to speak. It just seems a bit out of character, compared to the rest.

I know this was a short introduction, but I just feel as though the character is a little underdeveloped and doesn't seem very much as though he fits in within the cast of Redwall; he also signs off far too quickly in my opinion.

It sounds like it is very much like the Redwall series, and I'm sure you will continue to a very good plot (if that is your intention), but I just think a little more tweaking of the character is needed to make this a bit more interesting. Good work though!

Such wonderful compliments, and I'm only 11!

I only have time to edit the ending, Ygaron and Kyte's birth-day party is today. Ah well, such is the life of a young sister.

* bows formally* Thank you for your compliments, critiques, and helpful tips!

I better go before I over do it!




-ClimberSquirrel

Aww you're so gracious, and very talented for an 11year old or otherwise

Aww shucks! lol:

I think I have time now to post more. Even though Ygaron is pestering me to get on, I should be able to squeeze this in as well as a storybook I'm making. *groans* Now Kyte wants to talk to his friends becuse tody is his Birth- Day. Wow, I ramble on a LOT!

[spoiler]Tarrel is a hare, and at the end of the story, she is going to be recorder.[/spoiler]

There, that should do it for now! I've added a little more to the description of the feast.



-ClimberSquirrel

Good, job, I used to be addicted to all the Red Wall books. And for only being eleven you are doing a great job. I agree with some of the others that it would be hard to decide on a title for this as you are just starting out with it. Here are a few little mistakes I noticed off the top of my head...

Hmmm.. I something smell good! That

-Probably meant to say, "Hmmm... I smell something good."

But first, I must was off this ink!

- I'm guessing you meant "wash", just a small spelling mistaken but something to fix.

Anyway just those two small things should be fixed, but other then that good job. Once again, I am greatly impressed that you are only eleven!

Yeah, I noticed those as my mom was viewing my story. It was only ten o'clock, and she wouldn't let me change it.

What do you mean, USED to be addicted to Redwall?

I'll fix those little errors. Just got back from my grandpa's memorial service.






-ClimberSquirrel