Young Writers Society

All righty! This is quite literally the first story I've ever written (not this draft- good heavens, I wouldn't post the first draft if my life depended on it!!)(actually it's still in the drafting stages! ), my first fanfiction in a series of four or five, and is now my first thread!! yay! anyway, if you have questions about the game after which this fanfiction comes or just about the series in general, PM me!
Now, on with the story!

Prologue: Wings of Darkness

A shadowed, cloaked man stood before a deep, cavernous pit, his head bowed and hands at his side. He muttered an incantation in a language none but his pupil could understand. A smaller, slighter figure stood a few paces behind him, face hidden by an overhanging cowl.

The man’s head snapped up and his arms shot up perpendicular to his shoulders, and the words poured like a roaring waterfall. His student took a sudden step back, as if hesitant to leave her master; the man’s words dropped to a mutter and faded away before she had to decide. Her master stepped back with a satisfied smirk.

A faint rumbling echoed from the depth of the pit. It grew louder as something approached; strange, floating green lights bounced back and forth against the darkness of the distant walls.
Suddenly a dark, winged shape shot from the hole’s depths, roaring its triumph to the rock walls all around. It soared overhead, still roaring, its wide, strong wings effortlessly propelling it through the enormous cavern.

“My lord,” The girl whispered nervously to her master, “Are you sure about this?”
The man gestured with one hand, and the dragon plummeted to the stone floor. Her master laughed hysterically as he forced the beast to bow to him; its eyes glared red in the darkness.
“We have nothing to fear, my apprentice.”

Chapter 1: Hero’s Task

The Moblin collapsed at his feet, dead before it even hit the ground. Link continued on through the forest meadow, dashing across it in a full sprint in case any archers had been stationed nearby; where there was one monster, there were bound to be twenty more.

‘This isn’t right...’ He thought as he slowed to a halt and dropped into a crouch, bloody sword held at the ready.

Normally the forest was teaming with birds and mammals, alive with the whisper of the wind and the babbling of a nearby brook. But the animals had either been killed or frightened away by the monsters for the first time in a year; the wind was non-existent, and something had dammed the river. This something had aroused the dread creatures of evil, and the monsters were congregating alarmingly close to the Oracle of Ages’ home.

Only little over a year ago, an evil sorceress by the name of Veran had possessed the Oracle Nayru and used her powers to travel back in time. Once there, she had done all manner of evil things in an attempt to cloak Labrynna in darkness. It had been up to the young man named Link to stop her and bring light to the land once again- as he had so many others.

Once he had saved Labrynna and its twin world of Holodrum, both worlds’ guardian trees- known as the Maku Trees- had asked the young warrior to check up on their two seperate Oracles from time to time. Both women had undergone great ordeals, but Nayru had had the worst of it and needed to convalesce longer than her counterpart Din. And, since the Oracle of Ages was a bit of a loner, she had only the animals and an old caretaker of Hyrule’s royal family to help her recover.

So it was with trepidation that Link moved through these woods, glancing guardedly around for signs of more monsters and dreading the worst.
He stepped out of the woods and into the charred clearing that was merely a husk of the beautiful glen Link remembered. Small fires burned in remote patches of grass. He jumped as a charred, blackened branch fell from its tree with a splintering crack. The acrid taste of smoke burned in his throat, making him cough. There was not an animal to be seen or heard in the dead silence- only flames and the crack and pop of burning wood.

Link slowly moved through the clearing, glancing guardedly around to be sure there were no monsters in sight. The Master Sword twirled idly by his left shin as he peered through the blackened growth at the clearing’s edge; a huge space at least ten feet wide had been forcefully cleared through the branches beyond him. Even the thickest limbs had been snapped when the…something had flown through the forest to get here.

His heart filled with sadness and anger as he turned to the demolished remains of the little cottage that had been there just three days earlier. Only one wall remained, and the packed dirt floor he remembered seeing Nayru’s caretaker painstakingly sweep was layered by an inch of cold grey ashes. Smashed crockery littered the floor near what had been the hearth; the red clay was still warm, telling Link the fire had only just started maybe an hour ago.

‘Where did they go? Is Nayru still alive? Who could have ordered this?’ He wondered.
That brought him to his biggest question: What had started the fire?

Before he could fully contemplate this new predicament, he heard undergrowth snapping and ash disturbed by quick footfalls. He whirled around, shield held in front of him, and slashed blindly at the attacker. The Master Sword met flesh and bone; a Bokoblin- a smaller, green-skinned version of the bipedal, boar-like Moblin- howled in agony and fell, its shortsword swinging a wide arc past his shield. But he found that where one had fallen, there were twenty more to take its place- and a good number of other monsters.

Link had just enough time to sheathe his sword and jump over the burned-out rear wall to escape into the woods. He immediately pelted through the trees without loosing a step, heading southwest toward Lynna City.

The Bokoblins and Moblins he had no trouble outrunning. But as he and the remaining Lizalfoses played cat-and-mouse, Link knew he would have to do something soon to avoid the fifteen upright lizards and certain death.

He suddenly screeched to a halt- the dried-up river’s banks dropped out beneath his feet, at least a fifteen foot drop straight down onto a conglomeration of smooth river stones.
Deciding that a confrontation would be unavoidable, he again drew his sword and ducked behind a withered oak to wait for the lagging lizards to come in sight again. He didn’t have to wait long; the dim-witted monsters came crashing through the undergrowth without pausing to scan the open edge along the riverbank. The leading three even tumbled into the riverbed; one snapped its neck.

Before Link had to jump out from behind his tree, though, five turkey vultures dove at the remaining dozen lizards, cawing raucously. Two bears lumbered through the trees behind them, and more squirrels than he could count swarmed from the treetops over the nearest enemies. It only took a minute or two for the Lizalfos to give up; they hissed angrily and retreated without their quarry.

The confused warrior had sheathed his sword and was about to step into the clearing when he felt an animal nudge his back. He turned and his eyes widened in shock when he saw the black muzzle and red coat of his beloved steed Epona.

“How did you get here, girl?” Link whispered, checking the straps on her bridle as he stroked her nose. The horse whickered and nudged him again. He smiled and rubbed her ears. Epona sighed and lowered her head for him to get the itchier spots.
"All right, let's go." He said finally, slapping her neck affectionately. He swung up into the saddle and again turned southwest for Lynna City.
*************************************************************
“So, you see, I don’t have a clue what evil force is left that could be controlling so much power. Veran was defeated a year ago, and there’s no other power I could think of that has been plaguing us before now.” Link explained to the Maku Tree.

The great tree’s branches shifted slightly as she thought his news over. Finally she said, in trees’slow-moving, groaning fashion, “Yes- this is indeed puzzling. I sense an evil emanating from the old castle in the northern mountains, but it is as yet rather weak. Yet its power grows exponentially with each passing day. Within a month it will seek to conquer all of Labrynna, and mostly succeed. It is good you are here, Link- we will need your strength and courage once more.”

Link sighed- it always had to be him, didn’t it?- and complained, “Maku Tree, if you knew exactly how many monsters I had seen, you wouldn’t be so quick to send me out on my own. This is going to take more than just one boy-hero, I’m afraid.”

He could tell by the Tree’s silence she was displeased with his remark. After a moment, she said, “You know this little city is hardly geared for war or other pursuits. Your homeworld of Hyrule is only equipped the way it is because of the constant wars. There are not many here who can help you. However-” She allowed when he opened his mouth to interject, “I believe the Mayor has heeded some inner foresight, for he keeps a small battalion of men ready for the greater good- just in case. You might request aid of him, should you require it.”

Link bowed stiffly. “Very well. I’ll go see to that now and investigate the northern castle- if you wish it?”
Before she could answer his question, there came a gust of wind that shook her limbs and caught the leaves straight off their branches. Link braced himself against the strong winds, feeling his cap threaten to fly off his head. The winds died down in three seconds, leaving Link confused.

The Maku Tree cleared up his confusion. “There is a girl here by the name of Vanessa. You might know her parents, wouldn’t you?” She asked, only the slightest rustling of her leaves.
Link nodded slowly, eyes narrowing suspiciously. ‘What was that gust? How does she know I know Vanessa’s parents?’ The questions flashed through his head, but he suppressed them as the Maku Tree continued.

“If you seek help and success in your quest, you would do well to request her aid.” There was silence a moment, then the tree vigorously shook her limbs. “Now go. If the danger is as strong as you say it is, there is not much time left. Gather what soldiers you need and hasten northward to the castle.”
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The Wings of Darkness has been revised and reposted. See Legend of Zelda: Wings of Darkness for new draft.

*wonders if she should just finish and post Chapter 2: Warrior's Beginnings* >.>

Well, I thought it was good.
I don't know how to describe it though.
note that i am very bad at trying to explain and describe...things.

All I can say that it was very good, and had very nice details.

Godd job! keep writing!

Hey, Gladius! Since my brother is leaving my alone finally, I can review your work. ^_^

longer than her counterpart, Din.

glancing guardedly around for signs of more monsters and dreading the worst.

Not a good word choice. ^_^ How about "protectively" or "nervously".

The Master Sword met flesh and bone; a Bokoblin- a smaller, green-skinned version of the bipedal, boar-like Moblin- howled in agony and fell, its shortsword swinging a wide arc past his shield.

Use a colon, rather. Either that, or two sentence and then adjust the second sentence with: "It was a Bokoblin..."

The Bokoblins and Moblins he had no trouble outrunning.

He had no trouble outrunning the Bokoblins and Moblins.

The leading three even tumbled into the riverbed; one snapped its neck.

You use the semicolon way too much. It's a special little guy. You don't want to use it so much that your paragraphs end up one sentence long (not that I noticed any of them were). Like here, a period will work fine.

slappong her neck affectionately.

Oops! ^_^

You might know her parents, wouldn’t you?” She asked,

Lower case. ^_^

, only the slightest rustling of her leaves.

Her leaves rustling quietly.

‘What was that gust? How does she know I know Vanessa’s parents?’

Put this in italics like you did earlier.

No wonder you haven't gotten so many reviews. Your writing is exceptionally good. ^_^ I didn't find many grammatical errors, which is always a good thing. You kept the story interesting. I wouldn't mind reading your next chapter, if you PM me. ^_^

The only thing you need to watch out (I think) is the semicolon. You use it way too much. It's a special punctuation mark and shouldn't be abused. Use it when you think you can really use it. Otherwise, look over this story and replace some of the semicolons with periods and adjusted sentences.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Ok, Jab, just for you- here's the second chapter!
*************************************************************
Chapter 2: Warrior’s Beginning

Vanessa Satori was amusing her younger brother Soran when someone knocked on the front door. Her mother laid her knitting aside and quickly shuffled out of the den.

Because the door was hidden behind a wall with an archway, Vanessa found herself unable to see the guest- though she did clearly hear her mother say, “Oh, good heavens!! What an unexpected honor! Please, come in and sit.” When the guest walked in, she was so stunned she couldn’t even gasp.

There was no mistaking the Hero of Time; though the boy wore a cloak wrapped around his shoulders to protect him from the sharp autumn chill, Vanessa could see a hint of the green tunic, and the fabled Master Sword’s hilt protruded from the cloak behind his left shoulder. A green cap sat atop his head, though it couldn’t cover the cowlick in his blonde hair or the pointed ears of a Hylian. His sea-blue eyes took in the living room in a swift glance that betrayed his warrior training; they locked with hers for a moment before he sat in a wicker chair with his back against the wall so he could see the small family clearly.

“So- what brings you to our peaceful home?” Vanessa’s mother asked as she retrieved the knitting and sat in her rocker.
The Hero of Time stared at the woman intently. “You know exactly why I’m here.” He whispered.

For the first time in her life, Vanessa saw her mother visibly blanch. The girl hushed Soran when he loudly begged her to pick him up and play horsie; she was intrigued by the knowledge the Hero and her mother seemed to share.

“The parents?” The woman asked in no more than a whisper.
“Dead.”
Her knitting slowly fell into her lap, through no fault of the woman’s hands; they were shaking violently. She gulped mechanically and averted her eyes from the boy’s piercing gaze.

“There’s trouble again. A darkness is emanating from the Northern Castle. The Maku Tree is sending me north with a group of soldiers, and she requested specifically that Vanessa come with me.” He said cryptically. “What do you say, Vanessa? Up for the challenge?” The boy stuck out a hand as he stood.

The girl had no clue how the Hero of Time could know her name, but the challenge set her heart racing. The prospect of adventuring into the unknown, to adventure, excitement- battle- appealed to some inner instinct, to a tie in her blood that knew it was the right path to choose. But she realized what she stood to loose if she left: her whole life was here- her mother, father, brother; it could all be torn away in an instant if the worst should occur.

An image of the sword that hung in her room flashed through her mind, and instinct won out. “I’m coming.” She accepted, clasping his hand in hers and shaking it.
The Hero smiled. “Good. I’ve already got provisions packed; all you need now is a weapon and we’ll be good to go. I’ll meet you outside when you’re ready.” With that, he strode through the archway and out the door.

He was waiting by a blood-red mare in the miniature courtyard in front of her house when she emerged with her sword strapped to her hip. The boy was checking the horse’s girth; he straightened from cinching it to speak to her. “We’ll stop at the Mayor’s house and recruit a couple of the soldiers before we head out, and you’ll need a horse from the stables.” He said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at the red roof of the Mayor’s house. It was the only thing that showed over the natural crest.

“So, what am I going to call you? I don’t know your name- only your title- and it would be rather strange to just call you that all the time.” She asked as he reached for the trailing reins.
The boy laughed. “You’ve got a point. My name’s Link, if you must know.” He offered, walking past with the horse in tow.

They walked down the incline to the mayor’s house in an awkward silence, which persisted until Link knocked on the Mayor’s door.
Vanessa was startled when the short, pudgy man opened the door for Link; she had never known Mayor Penn to answer the door himself. ‘The secretary must be out.’ She thought.

“Ah, Link, come in, come in!” The mustachioed man greeted, waving the hero inside.
Vanessa had never been inside the mayor’s house before. The pair stepped into a wide, spacious ante room with a secretary’s desk at the far end- though the secretary herself was out at the moment. Cloak hooks had been nailed along one wall to accommodate guests’ outerwear in dreary weather. A door in the opposite wall allowed access to the Mayor’s personal sleeping quarters.

A man stood at one corner of the mayor’s desk. His attire marked him as one of the soldiers Mayor Penn had at his disposal- his general, according to the patch on his tunic and the helm held in the crook of his arm. The soldier’s dark eyes took in the newcomers curiously, and especially lingered on Vanessa. She averted her face, unusually shy.

“General Zirren, I presume?” Link greeted, his strange half-smile curving his mouth.
The General smiled warmly. “How’d you guess?” He drawled, shaking the Hero’s proffered hand. “I hear you wanted a few soldiers to explore Northern Castle?”

Link nodded. “Yes. I was just over to Nayru’s house a few hours ago.” He bit his lip. “It’s not there anymore. The Maku Tree says she can feel evil lurking in the northern mountains. She thinks whatever power is trying to find Nayru- or already has found her- is there.”

“Bad news- very bad news.” The Mayor muttered, sighing. “And I thought we would done with all this fighting after Veran.” He shot a hard glance at the Hero, as if Link was the reason all this was happening in his peaceful world. The boy shrugged apologetically.

“What’s done is done. All we can do is forge onward into this new fight and hope we make it out alive.” The boy said somewhat bitterly, arms crossed. On a lighter note, he turned to the general and said, “Zirren, I don’t need more than five soldiers- preferably mounted. And Vanessa needs a horse.”

The General nodded. “I think I can supply you with that much. Sure you don’t want more?”
“I’ve been through more than scouting missions on my own without consequences; five should be fine.” The boy declined, adding, “As long as they’re your best.”

“Nothing less for the hero of our world.” Zirren assured, giving Link a mock bow. Everyone laughed. “Well, I guess you’d better get going. Vanessa,” The general turned to address the girl, “I have this beautiful white stallion no one rides, if you’ll take him? Come around to the stable on the east side of town and you can try him out.”

Hey, Gladius, m'friend! ^_^ Let's see what happens in your second chapter, shall we? *reads*

Vanessa Satori was amusing her younger brother, Soran, when someone knocked on the front door. Her mother laid her knitting aside and quickly shuffled out of the den.

Hmm...way to just tell us! Lol. What was Vanessa and her brother doing? Tackling each other? Making faces? Vanessa Satori was rough-housing with her younger brother, Soran, when someone knocked on the front door. And don't be afraid to elaborate on this scene. Anyone else sitting in the room? Was dad reading the newspaper? Maybe the cat was amused with Vanessa's games as well? (not that they have a cat, lol.) When someone knocked on the door, all noise stopped and games froze. I, as the reader, want to have fun with Vanessa just like Soran is. I wanna play!! Lol. Make me smile. Soran can giggle and try to mimic Vanessa. There's so much you can do here.

she was so stunned she couldn’t even gasp.

She was so stunned, her brother began to whimper when she stopped playing. Something to make it more dramatic. Oh, maybe she held her breath? That's probably better.

There was no mistaking the Hero of Time; though the boy wore a cloak wrapped around his shoulders to protect him from the sharp autumn chill, Vanessa could see a hint of the green tunic, and the fabled Master Sword’s hilt protruded from the cloak behind his left shoulder.

Wonderful description! Lovely! Just one little something I'd like to change. Put a period where the semicolon is. ...the Hero of Time. Even though the boy wore...

His sea-blue eyes took in the living room in a swift glance that betrayed his warrior training; they locked with hers for a moment before he sat in a wicker chair with his back against the wall so he could see the small family clearly.

No semicolon here either. ^_^

“So- what brings you to our peaceful home?” Vanessa’s mother asked as she retrieved the knitting and sat in her rocker.

I thought he was the Hero of Time, lol. Maybe the mother should pay more respect and offer a seat for him to sit down? That's always the polite thing to do, as well as offer tea, but that's up to you, lol. And no dash after 'So'. It's fine as it is. ^_^

The Hero of Time stared at the woman intently. “You know exactly why I’m here.” He whispered.

Woah, goosebumps! Don't put a full stop here. It might just be a typo, but it should be: ...why I'm here," he muttered. I'd mutter, rather than whisper. He has a voice. Maybe he's just talking softly.

The girl hushed Soran when he loudly begged her to pick him up and play horsie; she was intrigued by the knowledge the Hero and her mother seemed to share.

I would put that big dash here, rather than the semicolon.

Her knitting slowly fell into her lap, through no fault of the woman’s hands; they were shaking violently

I might just be stupid, but this sounds awkward. =/ And a big dash, I would put. ^_^

She gulped mechanically and averted her eyes from the boy’s piercing gaze.

How about "She swallowed a lump in her throat"?

The prospect of adventuring into the unknown, to adventure, excitement- battle- appealed to some inner instinct, to a tie in her blood that knew it was the right path to choose.

I would put 'to battle' in italics and get rid of the dashes. The prospect of adventuring into the unknown, to adventure, to battle was too exciting of an offer to refuse.

But she realized what she [s]stood to[/s] would loose if she left: her whole life was here- her mother, father, brother; it could all be torn away in an instant if the worst should occur.

It's "lose". Also, I'd replace the semicolon with a big dash thingy again. ^_^

“I’m coming.” She accepted, clasping his hand in hers and shaking it.

You full-stopped again. "I'm coming," she said as she stood. She clasped his hand in hers and shook.

Vanessa was startled when the short, pudgy man opened the door for Link; she had never known Mayor Penn to answer the door himself. ‘The secretary must be out.’ She thought.

I wouldn't put a semicolon there. Either a period or a big dash thingy. Also, I'd put her thought in italics.

“Ah, Link, come in, come in!” The mustachioed man greeted, waving the hero inside.

Lowercase the 'the'. "...come in!" the mustachioed man greeted...

far end- though the secretary herself was out at the moment.

No dash. Comma. ^_^

The General smiled warmly. “How’d you guess?” He drawled, shaking the Hero’s proffered hand.

Stop it! Lol. Lowercase it!

“Bad news- very bad news.” The Mayor muttered, sighing. “And I thought we [s]would[/s] were done with all this fighting after Veran.”

I'd use a comma, rather than a dash. And lower case the 'the'!! (I'm laughing, btw)

“What’s done is done. All we can do is forge onward into this new fight and hope we make it out alive.” The boy said somewhat bitterly, arms crossed.

That should be a comma. ^_^

“I’ve been through more than scouting missions on my own without consequences; five should be fine.” The boy declined, adding, “As long as they’re your best.”

Hmm...some more punctuation errors. Try this: "I've been through more than scouting missions by myself without any trouble. Five should be fine," the boy said, adding, "as long as they're your best."

The last part is a continuation of the previous sentence. [i]Five should be fine as long as they're your best. You see?

“Well, I guess you’d better [s]get [/s] be going. Vanessa,”

Your writing is very good! Description is excellent, and the plot is developing well. Problems are mainly the first paragraph in setting the scene and your punctuation. Lol, that was funny. Anyway, very good and I can't wait to read more. Any questions, PM me or find me in chat. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

JabberHut wrote:

“So- what brings you to our peaceful home?” Vanessa’s mother asked as she retrieved the knitting and sat in her rocker.

I thought he was the Hero of Time, lol. Maybe the mother should pay more respect and offer a seat for him to sit down? That's always the polite thing to do, as well as offer tea, but that's up to you, lol. And no dash after 'So'. It's fine as it is. ^_^

Yes, he's the Hero of Time, and respect would be accorded him- BUT *points to paragraph*:

What an unexpected honor! Please, come in and sit."

You'll see why in later chaps (and the sequel to this) there isn't more than this.

Also:

"You know exactly why I'm here."

He he- this plays a VERY important role in the sequel. :shifty: Glad it made you go 'goosebumps.'

Jabber, question- have you played these games? Because I noticed you said:

Was dad reading the newspaper?

There aren't newspapers in Labrynna or Hyrule. >.>

P.s.- stay tuned for tomorrow's installment of TWOD- Chapter 3: Dragonfire. ^.^ *evil laugh*

This is brilliant! I love it! I like the fact that even though it's based on a game, you've made it seem like it all comes from you're head and the plot is entirely your own. I havn't played the games, but (the creators will be pleased) I really want to now.

I agree with most of what Jabber said, and I'm learning a bit too, (I've been having heaps of trouble with semi-colons too) the biggest thing I see is that there needs to be more feeling in it. there is feeling there, and the discriptions are there, but I want to become involved in the story more. Like Jabber said, I wanna play! I also want to feel pain that Nayru's home is distroyed, I want to feel uneasy about the woods being so empty of animals. There're some really good bits in here, the excitement of being asked to accompany Link is really clear and I like it, but there're still small bits that need work.

Your chapters are really small! I'm not complaining, it might feel better for you, but longer chapters tend to keep the reader interested, short chapters break it up and make it choppy. Even if you change views half-way through it doesn't matter, it still flows. Once you've finished the whole story you may consider condensing it down so that two or three of the current chapters become one. The prologue's fine though, that con be as short or as long as you like, it's a prologue, they're supposed to set the scene, but not become part of the main plot.

Other than those couple of things and what Jabber has said, it's great! I'm difinitely waiting for the next installment, PM me when it comes!

Yay! Goodness comments! Thanks!

You're both right, Jabber and Tamora- semicolons appear to be a weak point. :-X i'm working on lessening them in my next two chaps, but they may have been overly-replaced by long dashes. >.>

the biggest thing I see is that there needs to be more feeling in it. there is feeling there, and the discriptions are there, but I want to become involved in the story more.

I see your point, Tamora, but the thing is I either describe too much or too little. I don't know what to do...maybe [s]when the story actually gets rolling[/s] when there's more dialogue it will work itself out. It tends to do that in my stories for some reason

Your chapters are really small! I'm not complaining, it might feel better for you, but longer chapters tend to keep the reader interested, short chapters break it up and make it choppy

I used to write longer chaps, but [s]I guess when you're writing it it doesn't come out as long as it feels when you're in the middle of it[/s] they always seemed to turn out more choppy that way. >.> Hopefully when the story really gets rolling it will sort itself out.

EDIT: Also, any crit on the plot itself would be nice. I especially like to see people [s]duking it out over[/s] debating what's going to happen next. XD But please, no fist-fights ^^;

All righty, prepare for Chapter 3: Dragonfire tomorrow!

Ok, I know this chap's short but it should be very interesting. *evil laugh* Enjoy!
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Chapter 3: Dragonfire

The dragon’s head swept back and forth as it scanned the landscape that sped by beneath it. The trees were spread out like a red, gold, and brown carpet far below. The mountains in the north toward which it flew rose high and sharp against a cold, grey-blue morning sky.

But it hardly took this all in; Vaden was lashing out mentally at his incompetence. “You knew they would hear you! You knew the animals would interpret your intentions! You knew her guardian was there, and that Master wanted at least one of them alive! You know flying through trees creates enough noise to alert the deafest creatures of your presence!” She screamed.

It felt her mind tearing through its own as she spoke, ranting and raving at the dragoon’s utter failure to capture the Oracle. It didn’t dare throw up defenses against her attacks or try to toss the woman out of his mind. For at least the tenth time since it had been summoned from the Realm of Darkness by its new master, it felt powerless.

To turn its mind from the verbal beating, it replayed what had happened over and over in a dark corner of its mind where Vaden could not see its thoughts. The peaceful glen with its quaint little cottage had lit like a haystack when dragonfire touched it. The great beast had landed, its claws tearing up the turf like twenty workmen’s hoes, and immediately torn into the house before the flames could fully engulf it.

But there had been no sign of the Oracle. The dragoon had only found a frightened old maid, who promptly became its lunch. It had found signs that the animals Vaden had told him lived with the Oracle had escaped before he even arrived. This news had infuriated the apprentice— hence the woman’s present rampage.

“You might as well not come back unless it is with her!” With that, she finally stormed from his mind.
******************************************************************
‘That stupid beast! How Master tolerates it is beyond me.’ Vaden stewed with anger as she stood before the open window of her small tower room, facing east. Her master’s ‘useful pet’ had already screwed up, and it had only been summoned two days ago. ‘Its first mission, and already we’re behind because of that blasted dragoon!’

“Patience, apprentice.” Her master’s voice whispered in her mind. “All is not lost. We have attracted the attention of the Hero of Time, and he could prove…useful.”
“But he knows we are here! The cursed Tree has told him our position!” Vaden protested.

“So? He would know of us sooner, whether or not my dragoon had ‘screwed up.’ You worry too much, my apprentice.” Vaden’s eyes narrowed; somehow she didn’t trust her master, for all she had known him as far back as she could recall. “Think, Vaden— what have I told you about the boy’s potential?”

The woman sighed. “I know, I know. Still, he poses more of a threat than you care to admit. After all, he has defeated Veran, Onox…Ganon.” She shivered at her master’s reaction to the last name she uttered: pure, utter revulsion tinged by a strange awe of the beast-man who haunted Hyrule at Fate’s bidding. “And what of the dragon who tried to destroy our siege supplies? It didn’t go for the food at all, which is the strangest part. We lost three catapults, five towers, and ten ballistae. There has not been hide nor clubbed tail of that beast since then. Why do you insist on a continued search?”

“Patience, patience, child— all will be revealed in time.” Before she could question him further, he withdrew from her mind.
An hour later, after she had had time to think the predicament over, she tentatively touched her master’s mind again. “If the boy comes, and when he becomes useless to us, may I fight him?”

He master was silent a moment. “Wait and see if he doesn’t choose a follower. If so, when his usefulness runs out, I shall personally kill him.”
Manic laughter filled her mind. Vaden abruptly yanked her consciousness away with a severity that surprised even her.
**********************************
Aaaarg!! Italic is being a but...so the particular formatting I wanted won't come out. At least the dialogue is in italics. Ok, stay tuned for Chapter 4: Encounters!

Hey! I'm really sorry I haven't gotten to this. I'm usually on top of my crits, but it's the Christmas season. ^^; I've been busy. But, here I am!

...deafest creatures of your presence!” She screamed.

Lowercase.

by its new master, its felt powerless.

I'm thinking we should drop the s. =/

It had found signs that the animals Vaden had told him lived with the Oracle had escaped before he even arrived.

It's awkward. I'll try to fix it, but you know better than I what you're trying to say. ^_^ It had found signs that the animals Vaden had told him about lived with the Oracle and had escaped before he even arrived.

This news had infuriated the apprentice— hence the woman’s present rampage.

Lol, you're using the big dash!! *hugs*

“You might as well not come back, unless it is with her!”

The comma doesn't belong. I think you're aiming for a dramatic pause. Use the triple dot instead. You might as well not come back...unless it is with her!"

This is getting interesting.

“If the boy comes, and once he is useless to us, may I fight him?”

Very good so far, especially the characterization! ^_^ Here, I'd rephrase it just the slightest bit. "If the boy comes, and he becomes useless to us, may I fight him?" I think this sounds a bit better.

Your writing is marvelous! Have I told you that? It's excellent! And your choice of words is perfect! Except that word 'deafest' earlier, but it seemed to work fine. ^_^ Very nice! You can easily become a good critter!

I also agree with Tamora. I haven't played the games, though they've always looked interesting. Now I want to play them. You do an excellent job turning a video game plot into a novel, as if the novel came first. Marvelous!

I gotta eat. Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Your writing is marvelous!

awww shucks...

I also agree with Tamora. I haven't played the games, though they've always looked interesting. Now I want to play them. You do an excellent job turning a video game plot into a novel, as if the novel came first. Marvelous!

Yay! The Zelda Gods are happy... XD (that's my personal ranking for the creators- aka, Shigeru Miyamoto and co. )

Oops- typo >.> :X lol I'll go fix that... And I'm debating whether or not to put chap 4 up today...hmm...

Okie dokie, I've decided I will have a Christmas chapter. It may not be...exactly one of my best, but I hope it enlightens and stuns you. *insert evil laugh here* Enjoy!
**********************
Chapter 4: Encounters

‘She’s worse than her mother ever was!’ Link lamented their second day out on the trail.
Vanessa had turned out to be a very headstrong girl, at least as soon as she had gotten over her initial astonishment that she was traveling with the Hero of Time. She had already challenged the other soldiers and won their respect by outsmarting one, reigning victorious in a wrestling match against another, and correctly interpreting a track before the squad’s leader could even glance at it.

It wasn’t these incidents that worried him, though— it was the fact that she had simply disappeared.
After the seven of them had pitched camp late that afternoon, Link had gone to find her so she could be included in a quick check of the area with the other soldiers. He had looked for her with the horses first, but she wasn’t there and the white stallion she had dubbed Seril was missing. When he didn’t find her there and asked the soldiers if they had seen her, he suddenly found himself with a problem. Both girl and horse were gone, and so were some of their provisions, but her bedroll was still at camp.

“She couldn’t have gone far, sir.” The sergeant assured, “She obviously didn’t leave with enough food to last for more than a day, or even intend on staying out overnight. If anything, we’ll find her out scouting alone.” The man sniffed deprecatingly; any good soldier knew not to go scouting without telling an officer and taking a spotter with them.

Link sighed. “Fine. Take Felix and Lysander with you and try to find her. If she took Seril, it can’t be too hard.” The soldier nodded, saluted, and jogged off to recruit his men to the task.

But the problem plagued him for another hour before he finally couldn’t stand waiting any longer. He rose from his place by the fire and walked over to the remaining two soldiers. “Guard the camp. If anything happens, head back to Lynna City.”

The warrior took only the Master Sword, his shield, and enough provisions to tide him over one night, in case he didn’t make it back before dark. He swung into Epona’s saddle and immediately set out at an easy lope.
******************************************************************
The dragoon knew what it had to do. It could smell victory as soon as it began to creep up to the clearing’s edge.
A young woman lay in the center of the clearing, apparently sleeping. Animals were curled up protectively close, supporting her even as she slept. The dragoon could hardly see her for the sheer number of animals between it and her.

But they wouldn’t be a problem. For all there was a full moon overhead, the animals would be groggy with sleep, and the dragon was wide awake. Its tongue flickered over jaws parted to show serrated upper fangs as it anticipated victory.

The huge creature stalked into the clearing, head low to the ground to remain eye-level with its prize. A squirrel here, a bird there- they were as nothing to its hungry jaws. But the fearsome bears it did not touch.

It reached a forepaw out to grasp the Hylian in its clawed grip, but the snap of a twig gave him pause. It looked back over its shoulder at the undergrowth it had only recently vacated.

Another Hylian girl stood there, staring wide-eyed at the gigantic beast. The dragoon’s sharp eyes fixed on the blade held in her hand. A warrior.
The girl had come to slay the dragon.
That could not happen.

With a roar the dragon lunged across the meager space that separated it from the Hylian. But when it landed, it did not feel soft flesh between its claws— only rough brush and fibrous plants. It whirled to its left, snarling, and saw the girl holding her sword up defensively.

It pounced again, and this time it felt its claws meet cold metal of the blade in her hand. The girl gave in easily to the dragoon’s strength and fell on her back. Her blade flew out of her hand and landed eight feet away.

However, the dragon had not counted on the bears awakening from their hibernation-like slumber. Its roar had woken the animals and the Oracle, who was strong enough for a few spells.

But to its surprise, it wasn’t an animal that leapt upon the dragoon’s back. A horse whinnied, and the dragon turned its head around to try to see the person on its back. But the person was too far up its neck to see; however he recognized the horse by a description its masters had given it.

The Hero of Time was here, and it was he who clung to the dragoon’s back.
A struggle to loosen the Hero’s grip ensued. The dragoon leapt into the air, corkscrewed, and landed hard on its paws, but still the boy held on. It felt his blade creeping closer and closer to the jugular beneath soft neck scales.

Finally the dragon jumped from the ground one last time, and with one beat of its powerful wings it had cleared the treetops. It mountain home in the north lay within its keen eyesight, and it was towards Northern Castle that it now flew with the captive bound to its neck only by the sheer distance below him.
******************************************************************
“Link, no!” Vanessa yelled as the boy leapt up the dragon’s shoulder. But he didn’t hear her, and before he could safely jump from the dragon’s back it had leapt into the sky. The beast quickly dwindled to a mere speck in the northern sky, and she lost sight of it in the falling darkness.

As she stood there, pure horror overtook her. Her shoulders shook, and her hands clenched and unclenched in a rhythmic motion. Tears that were all her guilt stung her eyes, threatening to fall. Her head bowed forward with the weight of her feelings: guilt, horror— an overwhelming sense that she had betrayed her country.

The Hero had just fallen into enemy hands for the first time in any world’s history.
And it was all her fault.

If she hadn’t run off to find the strange creature by herself, if she had asked Link for permission and taken a soldier with her, none of it would have happened. If she hadn’t let the creature hear her, she could have reported back that there was a dragon in the vicinity without- this.

If- if- if…
Vanessa shook her head violently, her hazelnut-colored pony tail smacking her face as if to pull her out of her sinking depression. It was no use going through a hundred “what if’s” when there was work to be done.

The frightened, blue-haired girl that was the Oracle of Ages walked shakily toward her savior, a hand on the two huge bears to either side. For all the Oracle was years older than Vanessa, Nayru’s blue eyes looked into the girl’s own with a look of childish fear. “Will he be alright?” The woman asked quietly.

The girl bit her lip. Should she answer candidly, or try to say Link would be fine so the Oracle would not have another worry on her already-full plate? Finally, slowly, she said, “Yes, Oracle- I believe he will.” After an awkward pause, she added, “Come on; we’d better get you to Labrynna before anything else happens.”
******************************************************************
He should have been delighted by Nayru’s safe return to Labrynna. But he wasn’t—because everything else had gone wrong.
The Mayor stood anxiously shifting from foot to foot in front of the double-leaf doors that cut the huge guardian tree off from the rest of the city. He scowled as General Zirren trotted up— five minutes late. He said as much to the general.

“Come now, Mayor- it can’t be that bad.” The dark-haired man assured cheerily. “What could possibly have go—” He stopped short when he saw the look on Mayor Penn’s face.

“Link’s gone. Missing. That’s why the Maku Tree’s summoned us.” The shorter man jerked his head toward the double doors. “Now go on and get in there— I’ll be right behind you. Maybe she can tell us why the boy’s suddenly disappeared.”

The general nervously darted into the Tree’s Grove with the mayor close behind, their feet splashing loudly through the shallow water that provided the Tree with constant sustenance. When they had come to a halt ten yards from the tree, Mayor Penn noticed a brown-haired girl nervously wringing her hands as she stood to one side of the Tree. Her head was bowed over so her ponytail fell to the left side of her face.

The Mayor couldn’t place her, though, so he turned his attention to the Maku Tree. “Great Tree, what is it you have to tell us?” He requested humbly, giving a quick bow.

“Mayor Penn,” the tree groaned, “an evil fate has befallen our most beloved Hero. Vanessa Satori tells me he was taken on the back of a great dragon to Northern Castle.”

“But, Maku Tree, weren’t all the dragons banished hundreds of generations ago?” Zirren queried hesitantly.
The Maku Tree sighed, her bark creaking with age. “Yes, General Zirren; you remember your history well. However, some have found their way back, and others can be summoned, crossing over from their world to reside in ours for however long their masters see fit. I believe it was one of these of which Vanessa speaks. For it was not only dragon, but dragoon.”

“A dragoon!” The mayor cried.
“Yes, Mayor, a dragoon.” The girl called Vanessa finally spoke up. He noticed her eyes were red-rimmed, probably from crying, though he couldn’t imagine why that would be.

Her voice dropped to a whisper as she described the beast, awe mingled with terror evident in her speech. “It was as large as my house, with wings at least as wide as the roof if every shingle was laid out on the ground. It had claws like shortswords and its breath was as foul as the eastern bogs. Its eyes— its eyes…” she shuddered, “it was like gazing at Death himself to look into them. All black— as dead as the deepest night, with a malicious glaze to them that makes your blood run cold.”

An eerie silence filled the watery glade. Shivers ran up and down the Mayor’s spine just listening to the girl’s narration. It looped over and over again in his head, and a little voice whispered a warning in his ear:

Beware the dragoon at sunset…
Beware the dragoon…
Beware…

Before I read the 4th chapter I'm going to review the third. Sorry I couldn't do this earlier, but it's Christmas, and the family's all here, I just don't have the time.

Right, here we go...first of all, great! You've kept the same style which can be really difficult, but then again, this is only the start, we'll see what happens further on. The plot is being explored and presented to us well, I'm being drawn in further and really wanting to read the rest, so good going.

I'm surprised that Jabber didn't pick this up, but quite frequently you've spelt dragon with an extra o.

The dragoon had only found a frightened old maid,

"Its first mission, and already we're behind because of that blasted dragoon!"

This might be diliberate, I don't know, he might be part of a certain tribe/group of dragons, but if so you need to tell us, otherwise it just looks like a spelling mistake.


There are a few sentances that are a bit bitsy, I think Jabbers pointed most of them out, but there're a couple of others

It felt her mind tearing through its own as she spoke, ranting and raving at the dragoon's utter failure to capture the Oracle. It didn't dare throw up defenses against her attacks or try to toss the woman out of his mind. For at least the tenth time since it had been summoned from the Realm of Darkness by its new master, it felt powerless.

this is more than a sentance, but the use of personal pronouns is a bit off, and makes me wonder who you're talking about at times. Try: He felt her mind tearing through his own as she spoke, ranting and raving at the dragon's utter failure to capture the Oracle. He didn't dare throw up defenses against her attacks or try to tossthe woman out of his mind. for at least the tenth time since he had been summoned from the Realm of Darkness by his new master, the mighty dragon felt powerless. That last bit just confirms who's view we're from and also gives some sense of how humiliating it is for him to be powerless, (you might want to choose a different word than mighty though) This also happens earlier in the first paragraphs as well as later on, just watch out for those pronouns!

If so, when his usefulness runs out, I shall personally kill him.”

i don't like how this flows, and I feel as if, because it's the end of the chapter, there should be more suspense. If so, when his usefulness has run out, I shall kill him...personally. you can really draw it out, and help develop the charactor out, into a thoughtful kind of man, which is what seems to be coming across earlier. that's only if that's what the charactor is supposed to be mind you.

You do an excellent job turning a video game plot into a novel, as if the novel came first. Marvelous!

So true! this plot is brilliantly original, but still (I'm sure) sticking to the game's. Being able to interpret a game's plot, or indeed any other media's plot, into a novel can be very difficult and you've pulled it off wonderfully.

Quote:
Your writing is marvelous!

awww shucks...

Don't be embarrassed, it's true! you've really got some talent girl!!

Hey, Gladius! Ooh, a Christmas chapter? Exciting! I'll try to do as much as I can tonight. ^_^

“She couldn’t have gone far, sir.” The sergeant assured, “She obviously didn’t leave...

So far, so good. Here, I'd switch the bolded period and comma.

...and the dragon was wide awake.

It's dragoon here, isn't it?

A squirrel here, a bird there- they were as nothing to its hungry jaws. But the fearsome bears it did not touch.

It's a big dash. Also, ignore starting sentences with 'but'. Replace that period with another big dash. ^_^

The girl had come to slay the dragon.

Is it not dragoon? You said dragoon earlier in this part.

A horse whinnied, and the dragon turned its head around to try to see the person on its back. [s]But the person was too far up its neck to see;[/s] however he recognized the horse by a description its masters had given it.

Its mountain home in...

...jump from the dragon’s back, it had leapt into the sky.

guilt, horror— an overwhelming

Replace the dash with: ...horror, and an...

vicinity without- this.

Why the dash? Delete it or, if wanting dramatic effect, use the triple dots.

If- if- if…

I'd get rid of this. Maybe if she was actually talking, it would be alright. However, I don't think it's good to stutter a thought when writing as story. =/ That's just my opinion.

“Will he be alright?” The

Lowercase the 'the'.

“Yes, Oracle- I believe he will.”

Comma, no dash. ^_^

“Come on; we’d better

Period or comma will do. Preferably period. ^_^

He should have been delighted by Nayru’s safe return to Labrynna. But he wasn’t—because everything else had gone wrong.

Join these into one sentence. Also delete the dash.

The Mayor stood anxiously, shifting from

He scowled as General Zirren trotted up— five minutes late

Comma rather than dash.

“Come now, Mayor- it can’t be that bad.” The...

Again, period or comma rather than the dash. Use the dash more than the semicolon, but less than the commas. Always think about the commas. If the comma isn't appropriate, then think about the dash or semi. Also, this quote's tag needs to be lowercased with a comma rather than the period (same to previous quotes).

“Now go on and get in there— I’ll be right behind you.

Period rather than dash.

He requested humbly

Lowercase. ^_^

For it was not only dragon, but dragoon.”

Forget my comments about the dragon/dragoon thing. ^_^

“Yes, Mayor, a dragoon.” The girl called

Again, comma and lowercase.

Very good! ^_^ There are still issues with the comma/dash/semi deal, but it's all good. Also your tags, but those are all easy to fix. ^_^

About your characters. You do pretty well except with Vanessa. You do alright with her. At first, you explain how she's this kick-butt girl that the soldiers are most impressed with. Then she runs away? I thought she agreed to company the Hero of Time. I am half asleep, so you probably mentioned it in the chapter without my realizing it. If that's the case, ignore this comment.

Other than that, you do well. Oh! Is Vanessa so special that wild animals sleep with her? o_O If so, I hope you'll explain later. I kind of wish I played the game so I had a better understanding. XD

Merry Christmas! I won't be around to crit for the next week. Sorry, but that better not stop you from writing and posting! I'll catch up whenever I can. ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!