Young Writers Society

The Corrillean YT-400 Starbolt angled away from the shipyards. Its triangular hull was pitted from
many years of Imperial service.

No ship like home, Kale thought. He touched the hilt of his lightsaber, a flat rectangle instead of
the usual cylinder. With a practiced movement he drew the blade; its familiar crimson shaft hummed in his ear.

Many of the cuts and blocks were traditional, adapted to his needs. He'd shaped them to be practical above all else.

The Snake, his most difficult form, he always did first. "Slice, duck, thrust," he chanted. The red blade sang an eerie accompaniment.

Flashing and wheeling, the saber imprinted circles, lines and arcs in the sizzling air.

He finished the Snake and bowed to an invisible audience. The saber vanished back into the hilt.

Feeling each bone, he stretched slowly. His coiled muscles responded, helped along by Force nudges.

"Now, I need to get to Bespen." He smiled, thinking of Lando and his "vapor mining."

"Hey, Kale," said Jaca. "Did you finish yet?" She entered the bridge with her usual soundless grace. About a meter taller than Kale, she had long limbs that rippled with lean muscle.

Kale grinned at his feline copilot. "Want to try? I can lend you my saber."

"Nah, you know I have two left paws."

Kale's smile widened. "I tell you, being a Jedi has its perks."

Jaca sniffed. "I don't need all that Old Order slag."

"Come on, try the saber at least!"

"Very well," sighed Jaca. "Watch my tail, will you?"

"I always have." He pinched the metal tip of her maimed tail, which she tended to use as a club.

She took center stage, bouncing in the low gravity. Kale couldn't abide "all that artificial snub."

"Ky-sa!" she yowled. With a leap, she kicked out and scored her claws across the air. The saber whirled and struck. She used it to balance, pointing the insubstantial blade. She ducked, then wheeled to face an opponent. The Force hummed through her, like the lightsaber itself, but as ever it was elusive.

"Bravo!" Kale cheered. "Go for a neck slice!"

With little more than a twitch, she directed herself back on deck. "That's enough."

its Bespin, not Bespen, just to let you know... sounds good!! What time setting does it take place in?

Thanks. The story, I guess is sometime during A New Hope. It's a bit difficult since it's turning out to be and "alternate universe." The characters are all there: Han, Luke, Threepio... I haven't worked in Leia yet.

Kale is the driving force. His training with Luke and rivalry with Vader form the plot. Anyway, that's a spoiler.

yeah...okay....sounds interesting...go check out my SW fanfic....!!!!!!!!The Almega Galaxy:Corruption's the name

Hello!

I'll just crit this as I go along:

Its triangular hull was pitted from many years of Imperial service.

"Not anymore," Kale muttered. He touched the hilt of his Lightsaber.

For some reason I kinda combined (in my head) the first sentence there and the 'not anymore'...totally ignore this if i made no sense.

It glowed red and white as he started his forms.

I'd reword this.

The saber flickered out.

I don't really see lightsabers as 'flickering out'. Maybe a different word is needed there.

Now, I need to get to Bespen." He smiled, thinking of Lando and his "vapor mining."

I believe my brother already pointed out the Bespin mistake.

Hey, Kale," said Jaca. "Did you finish yet?"

Is this the first part to the story? Or did I totally miss something? Disregard this if I did:
If you're just introducing Jaca, maybe you can do it more creatively? Not just have Jaca randomly popping up in the scene.

"Want to try? I can lend you my saber."

Is Jaca Force-sensitive? Because lightsabers are pretty hard to weild if you're not. If Jaca is Force-sensitive, explain it.



Overall, I liked it, and it has good potential for a story. I'm assuming that Jaca is Force-sensitive, since she can handle a lightsaber. Just so you know, this is my opinion, so if you don't want to use any of these suggestions or if I'm totally wrong, ignore me.

I'll keep watching for more!!

~Jedi Master Timea

The title was the most annoying thing.

Rouge is a color. Rogue is something else.

PsychicNinja wrote:Hello!

I'll just crit this as I go along:

Its triangular hull was pitted from many years of Imperial service.

"Not anymore," Kale muttered. He touched the hilt of his Lightsaber.

For some reason I kinda combined (in my head) the first sentence there and the 'not anymore'...totally ignore this if i made no sense.

It glowed red and white as he started his forms.

I'd reword this.

The saber flickered out.

I don't really see lightsabers as 'flickering out'. Maybe a different word is needed there.

Now, I need to get to Bespen." He smiled, thinking of Lando and his "vapor mining."

I believe my brother already pointed out the Bespin mistake.

Hey, Kale," said Jaca. "Did you finish yet?"

Is this the first part to the story? Or did I totally miss something? Disregard this if I did:
If you're just introducing Jaca, maybe you can do it more creatively? Not just have Jaca randomly popping up in the scene.

"Want to try? I can lend you my saber."

Is Jaca Force-sensitive? Because lightsabers are pretty hard to weild if you're not. If Jaca is Force-sensitive, explain it.



Overall, I liked it, and it has good potential for a story. I'm assuming that Jaca is Force-sensitive, since she can handle a lightsaber. Just so you know, this is my opinion, so if you don't want to use any of these suggestions or if I'm totally wrong, ignore me.

I'll keep watching for more!!

~Jedi Master Timea

As for the "Not anymore," you hit the nail. He was talking to himself or maybe the Bolt.

I like how you've focused on Kale's dueling, here. You might want to clean it up a little and try to get the wording to match the style (graceful? brutal?). I would also change the fact that he is speaking to himself--make it thoughts, instead of spoken words.

Star Destroyers are huge--they require a pretty big crew. You might consider giving him a personal ship, instead of a capital class ship.

I like your dialog and the wording the characters use--it's very Star Wars. Nice attention to detail.

Is the the title "Rogue Knight" or "Rouge Knight?" You might want to clarify.

--Hunter

Well, I guess it's a long O, not U. And yes, he's a good guy. He doesn't want to be caught in a war anymore.

I'm a fan of Star Wars, so when I saw your title, I clicked on it. I think it's pretty good. Are you going to write more?

Yeah, I am. I'll change the title.. should be Rogue, right?

Yeah. I'd say it should take place -after- the end of star wars, but without the empire, you really can't have a good fan fic, can you?

And as a few people already pointed out, it's Bespin, not Bespen.

And it'd be better if you introduced Jaca better, rather than have here show up, without even the sound of foot steps or the opening of a door.

As for 'The saber flickered out.' I'd say the word phased or shifted, depending out how exactly that works...

You got me to read it through the chat, so here I am.

I think what it needs is some more description, really. Your grammar and capitalization, punctuation and whatnot is wonderful, but it needs some meat. Your writing flows well, though, so don't get worried over it. It's just something to think about.

I also don't watch Star Wars very actively, so yeah, but it sounds interesting. ^^;
Everyone else reviewed what needed to be reviewed, I guess, so that's that! :]

Very interesting fan fiction story. Well done!

It is Bespin, but anyway. It was pretty good but I got really lost. At first you made it sound like he was running away from the Empire but then you turned it into a show.

Did his plans fail when the cat lady came up? I'm confusled!