Young Writers Society

Zelda fanfictions aren't something I normally read. But considering that it isn't something I normally read, you kept my interest. An that is a great thing in itself. Keeping writing. For the people into these kind of fanfics they will most likely enjoy them.

Ok, I've decided I'm going to but up the rest of what I have for Chapter 6. I'm thinking the next few chapters, since they're kinda transition chapters, are going to be really slow/difficult to write, so any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated! ^_^; Thanks!
*********************************************** (con't from previous post of Chap. 6: Dragon Oath)
[pre]“Hmm. The question now is, How am I going to hide you?” Vanessa asked, half to herself. Teresa, as she had quickly dubbed the nameless dragonet, cocked her head quizzically. The girl chuckled, then turned back to her survey of the area around her house.

Seril grazed calmly at the far end of the property to her right. Trees on the left side of the house bordered a straight fifteen foot drop down to more houses. At the moment, she was atop the cliff that backed her house; she could barely make out the side door from where she lay on her stomach at the edge of the precipice.

Teresa was a good-sized dragonet, in about her second year of growth. Vanessa judged that, on average, the dragon would need enough room to sleep during the day and then sneak away to hunt at night.

A convenient stand of pines caught her attention at the far corner of Seril’s picket circle. The stand was about three trees deep and would keep its cover of needles throughout the winter months ahead. Vanessa wondered how the horse would react, though—the only dragon he had ever seen had been the dragoon, and he had been terrified out of his wits of it.

‘Well, guess it’s worth a shot,’ she thought with a mental shrug.
Ten minutes later, she and the dragonet had snuck along the bottom of the cliff to the stand of pines, trying to keep to the shadow of the cliff to avoid being seen by Vanessa’s mother or anyone else. Seril didn’t notice them, intent on a patch of clover at the far end of his picket circle.

She turned to Teresa when she had found a suitable clearing in the middle of the copse, similar to the one in which Vanessa had found the dragon. A thick clump of ferns would serve for warmth in the on-coming winter months, and the hardwoods trees no doubt housed far too many species of pests for her mother’s liking. ‘Perfect hunting territory,’ Vanessa thought with a smile. “What do you think, little one?”

The dragon cocked her head again, surveyed the clearing, then finally nodded a vigorous ‘yes.’ The girl chuckled at the little beast’s human-like habits, then stopped when she remembered what she had decided to ask the dragon.

The girl knelt so she could look Teresa in the eye. “Little one, I’ve a favor to ask of you.” Teresa blinked at the Hylian, a sense of curiosity flowing by Vanessa like a rivulet of water. Comparing the little dragon to her own brother—both of whom looked so innocent—Vanessa couldn’t imagine how ferocious the dragon would be once she had achieved her full growth. “There’s someone I’m trying to find. He’s been locked up somewhere by evil people, and when I find him, I have to get him out. Will you help me?”

Vanessa wasn’t sure how much the dragonet understood about oaths, but there was such sincerity and loyalty in Teresa’s answer that she was convinced the dragon had to be more intelligent than she looked.

For the first time in the week since Link’s capture, Vanessa finally felt as if she stood a fighting chance of rescuing Link and putting her homeworld right once more.[/pre]

Hey, Gladius! I had to do this critique at school (yes, I printed it out and everything), so we'll see how well I copy it.

By the way, could you keep it in the normal font, please? It's hard to get the quotes from the previous post because it stretches out the paragraphs into one line.

“Hmm. The question now is, [colon rather?] How am I going to hide you?” Vanessa asked, half [would 'more' or 'mostly' be any better?] to herself.

Teresa was a good-sized dragonet, [no comma] in about her second year of growth.

Vanessa wondered how the horse would react, though— [no dash] the only dragon he had ever seen had been the dragoon, and he had been terrified out of his wits [s]of it[/s].

A thick clump of ferns would serve for warmth in the [s]on-coming[/s] oncoming [would 'upcoming' sound better here?] winter months, and the hardwoods trees no doubt housed far too many species of pests for her mother’s liking.

The dragon cocked her head again, surveyed the clearing, then finally nodded a vigorous ‘yes.’

I should probably double check my crit, but maybe this makes sense to you. It says here "Delete this because she did not cock her head recently." Hm...Sorry I'm not much help. xD

Comparing the little dragon to her own brother—both of whom looked so innocent—Vanessa couldn’t imagine how ferocious the dragon would be once she had achieved her full growth.

Replace dashes with commas.

Not many grammar errors. I'm glad I took this with me to school today. It was so much easier to concentrate. Scary, I know. I really like your story, though. It's a completely different read when away from the computer. I love it so much more. *hugs* You're wonderful!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

JabberHut wrote:I had to do this critique at school (yes, I printed it out and everything)

O.o Wow...I'm lucky to have an editor as dedicated as you. ^_^ *hugs*

JabberHut wrote:I really like your story, though. It's a completely different read when away from the computer. I love it so much more. *hugs* You're wonderful!

Aww, shucks. *hugs harder* Maybe I should actually print it out one time and see for myself... ^^;

JabberHut wrote:

Gladius wrote:The dragon cocked her head again, surveyed the clearing, then finally nodded a vigorous ‘yes.’

I should probably double check my crit, but maybe this makes sense to you. It says here "Delete this because she did not cock her head recently." Hm...Sorry I'm not much help. xD

Well, she had cocked her head at Vanessa when they were on the cliff...but maybe it is a bit of a stretch to say 'recently.' ^^;

I'm sorry it's so short. I've gotten into a happen of trying to come up with a name for the chapter before I write it, and only include in the chapter what makes sense when comparing it to the title. ^^; *glares at writing book* It said to do that, and...yeah...that's about where I am now with the whole chapter-naming thing. I'm planning to (hopefully) condense the next few chapters into one under one name that encompasses the whole thing, or maybe even split it into two...
Am I making any sense at all? ^^;

*sigh* Still haven't gotten anything of Chapter 7 started...I'm determined to finish this thing! I will finish this story! 'Cause the good part's yet to come! ^^ Ah, well. It'll be a while, though, so I'll just PM anyone interested in this story when I get the next chapter actually finished.

This is going really well! I'm sooooo sorry it's taken so long to reply, but I'm back, so here we go. I'm really glad that you've gotten straight into the action with this story, as soo many books don't; they wait 10 chapters for anything to start. (I'm afraid mine's starting to be like that )

I'll start off with chapter 5, as that's where I left off.

First:

for some strange reason not even he could explain, the little accessory had wormed its way into a special place in his heart, right next to his almost-religious devotion to the blade on his back.

This is a great use of language, it makes Link have a personality and shows that he gets the same feelings that other people do. Rather than just having the regular feelings that most writers stick to (love, anger, pain, jealousy etc), this charactor has feelings that aren't usually observed in fiction. Little attachments are so infrequently used, yet they add depth to a charactor. So well done.

The cold wind whipped through his light tunic and cloak like a blade, chilling his chain mail and leather-padded gambeson on its way to his heart. He allowed an ironic smile to tug at his lips when he checked that his cap had stayed in place; for some strange reason not even he could explain, the little accessory had wormed its way into a special place in his heart, right next to his almost-religious devotion to the blade on his back.

This paragraph is too long without some clue as to who yu're talking about. It tells us later, and it is a good idea to do this to start off a new section, but you shouldn't leave us hanging for so long, especially when you've got that lovely little personality trait being edged in there, we want to know who has that attachment. It doesn't have to be a name, just some reference to an obvious (previously mentioned) trait.
Then again it can be a name; you have 2 sentances here, the second one can start off with Link allowed an ironic smile... If you don't think it's appropriate, then don't do it.

Link knew he would have to do something soon if he was to free himself before they reached the castle, but didn't dare crawl up the beast's neck to reach where its vulnerable jugular could be pierced by the Master Sword.

This is a really long section with no break. I'm running out of breath by the end! You don't always need to state the obvious. try: ...dut didn't dare crawl up the beast's neck, where its vulnerable jugular could be pierced by the Master Sword. Remember, you started the sentance with a long stretch don't end it in the same way.

A fifth man, wearing...

I only counted two men (two pairs of hands), so where are the other 2?

She hissed, her smile charming yet eyes glaring.
Who are you?

there needs to be another line after glaring, otherwise it looks like she said it.

Link was escorted from his cell to a wide, open tower and bent to the sorceress' will promptly at sunrise everyday, throughout the winter and for three months into the spring. He did fight back on every one of these occasions for a whole month, though, using what defenses he had learned from Princess Zelda to counter the woman's magic.

Too much time has passed without any word of the others, what has everyone been doing for 6-7 months? I realise you're going to cut it down to 2 but that's still a long time, if not as bad. Think about it.

The woman immediately turned on him like a provoked dragon, her long black robes sweeping around like unfurling wings. Then you forfeit your life! She screamed, putting her hands on his temples. They glowed a shimmering, iridescent red, their color flaring simultaneously with the woman's mind as she delved into his own. He saw red on black, felt a sharp pain as the blade-like thought wormed its way farther and farther into his store of knowledge.

Poor Link!!! That's a good use of similes at the start, and you've kept it fast-paced so I'm really drawn into it. I'm worried for him!

This is looking really good! I'll review the next 2 some other time. You really need to stop acting embarrassed about your talent, no matter what you may think, you're really good! I think everyone who's read your work is worried that your better, I know you're better than me!

Oh gosh I've left this unattended for WAY WAY WAY too long. X_X XD Ah, well.

I've FINALLY gotten past writer's block!!!!!!! HURRAY!! *trumpet fanfare, streamers fall down, and everybody par-teys!!*

*cough**cough* Anyway--

Tamora wrote:

...for some strange reason not even he could explain, the little accessory had wormed its way into a special place in his heart, right next to his almost-religious devotion to the blade on his back.

This is a great use of language, it makes Link have a personality and shows that he gets the same feelings that other people do. Rather than just having the regular feelings that most writers stick to (love, anger, pain, jealousy etc), this charactor has feelings that aren't usually observed in fiction. Little attachments are so infrequently used, yet they add depth to a charactor. So well done.

Why thank you. I'll have you know that that second "little" attachment plays a rather important part in the telling of this particular Hero's past. Ah, how I long for this to be finished so I can get on with the sequel...

Tamora wrote:

A fifth man, wearing...

I only counted two men (two pairs of hands), so where are the other 2?

Hm. Well, I've fixed this now so it doesn't cause any confusion, but there are supposed to be 5 guards. There're two hanging on each of his arms. Quite the welcome, ain't it?

Tamora wrote:

Link was escorted from his cell to a wide, open tower and bent to the sorceress' will promptly at sunrise everyday, throughout the winter and for three months into the spring. He did fight back on every one of these occasions for a whole month, though, using what defenses he had learned from Princess Zelda to counter the woman's magic.

Too much time has passed without any word of the others, what has everyone been doing for 6-7 months? I realise you're going to cut it down to 2 but that's still a long time, if not as bad. Think about it.

That's what the next chapters are for, and why there're only two months. It'll be explained, don't worry (if I write it right, that is... *whistle*). XD

Tamora wrote:I'm really glad that you've gotten straight into the action with this story, as soo many books don't; they wait 10 chapters for anything to start. (I'm afraid mine's starting to be like that)

Ugh, I HATE books like that! Well, at least, where nothing in those chapters doesn't pertain to something big later in the story. Even if I tried, though, I don't think I could bring myself to write such LONG-span no-action beginning chapters--I have to jump in on the action immediately!

Alright, now back to Chapter 7 (as yet unnamed so I can actually get a respectable-sized chapter in here!! XD)! *scurries back to draft*

Alright, I'm not 100% pleased with it, but (so far) it's all I've got. T_T *glares at writer's block and sighs* Oh well. And the chapter's not named either...I'm toying with 'Apt Pupil', but I don't really like that either. T_T These particular chapters are difficult because they're transitioning ones...does anyone else have trouble with them? O.o
Well, tell me what you think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 7:

In the week following Vanessa’s finding of the dragonet, she was able to think more clearly than she had since before Link’s capture. As she began to sort her jumbled thoughts into categories, the girl came up with three conclusions.

First, she was definitely going to need some training—and lots of it. The rudimentary swordplay she had taught herself needed altering and refining. If her mistakes on the ill-fated mission and her fight with the dragoon were any indication, she was far below even the least-competent soldier’s proficiency—and not just in swordplay.

The only place she was going to get such training without her mother finding out was the militia and their commander.
It just so happened, that was also where she was going to get her second task completed.

Almost nothing was known about dragoons or even dragons in general, and here she was with a dragonet to raise and teach and a dragoon to fight and hopefully kill. There was almost nothing about them in the town records besides incomplete or worthless legends and a single, brief account of their banishment from Labrynna. What knowledge she had managed to glean from the dusty parchment would do her no good.

So it was that Vanessa found herself knocking on General Zirren’s door little over a week after she had ‘adopted’ Teresa.
A young girl with light brown hair, who seemed maybe a year or two younger than Vanessa, answered the door. “You’re Vanessa, I take it?” the girl asked after a moment.

Vanessa blinked. “How’d you know that?”
The girl—obviously Zirren’s daughter, though she didn’t share his glossy black hair—grinned. “He’s been expecting you. Here, I’ll take you to him—just a second.” She darted into the house and returned shortly with a cape. “I’m Faël, by the way. Father said I’ll probably be getting to know you well, so I should tell you my name,” she explained. A moment or two after they had begun walking across the land behind the house, she blurted, “Oh, there he is. Father!”

The muscular bay mare the general rode made a difficult leap over small logs raised to four feet seem effortless, her rider perfectly in sync with her every movement. Rocking back on her hind legs, the mare pivoted with easy grace and galloped down the long side of the field in which Zirren was riding, gaining more and more speed with each stride.

“He’s gonna run her into the cliff if he keeps that up!” Vanessa commented worriedly.
Faël merely smiled. “Watch,” she bid of the older girl. Vanessa worried a hangnail in a nervous habit as the horse shot past them.

Vanessa watched, astonished, as the mare planted her hooves mid-stride and leapt to the right past a pile of hay bales, which were meant to simulate an opponent about as large as a small dragoon. Zirren did the exact opposite, leaping from the saddle and landing with a roll before he stood with sword drawn to stab the closest bale. The mare followed her training and performed the other half of their maneuver—though she would rather have eaten the hay than batter it with her hooves. What she did bite off, though, she got to chew after Zirren gave her the ‘halt’ command.

The girl couldn’t believe her eyes. Though she moved her lips, no sound came from them as Faël and she walked over to Zirren. He patted the mare with pride, offering her an apple before commenting to Vanessa, “‘Bout time you showed up. Now, did you bring your sword, or will Faël have to run back to the house and fetch hers for you?”

The candid question took Vanessa off-guard. She stood there blinking like an owl in daylight, thinking, ‘How did he know I wanted to train?’ The girl said as much to the general, who laughed at her puzzled look.

“We’ll just call it some inner instinct for now, shall we?” he answered mysteriously, winking slyly. Then he noticed her thin sword in its scabbard, which was strapped to her hip. “Ah, good—you did bring your sword. Well then, come on, we haven’t got all day! Let’s get going,” Zirren brushed her question off and led his horse to a nearby tree. He dropped the end of the reins below the mare’s nose and turned back to the two girls. The horse wouldn’t move, as she had been trained to this sort of tying. She merely bent her head to crop the lush grass while she waited for her rider to finish his new task.

“Now, let’s see your stance. Go on, pretend you’re waiting for an attack from me,” Zirren instructed, taking his own defensive position opposite her.

*****************

“And what if you’re fighting—oh, let’s say, a dragon?” Vanessa asked innocently, sitting against the base of a nearby tree.
It was midmorning on the seventh day of her training with Zirren. The man was casually polishing his blade, sitting cross-legged on the brown winter grass as they discussed basic tactics. To Vanessa, it a welcome respite from the past three days of intense instruction in intermediate swordplay.

Her plan to subtly interrogate the general for information on dragons while she was training had continually nagged at her throughout the whole week, but until now she hadn’t gotten a chance to ask one question, subtle or not. Now she hoped she could turn the conversation the way she wanted with the single opportunity that had been presented her in the discussion.

The general eyed her suspiciously and answered slowly, “Well, dragons don’t do well on the ground, especially on loose slate and in bogs. So once they’re on the ground you can take advantage of lesser mobility to find an opening. That opening generally appears as opened wings or an outstretched necked—if you can get past the jaws and the claws.”

He had apparently fallen into a thread of general discussion suited to him, because he continued the lecture, oblivious to what he was supposed to be doing. “Ah, yes—getting past the jaws. With their eyes set how they are, it’s difficult to get past it if they’re keeping an eye on you. Distractions are your best bet—a friend attacking from their side, something loud attracting their attention, or some such thing. With their head turned far enough around, they won’t see you move for their shoulder.

“From there, you have to watch the claws and any movements they make with their wings, but you can also attack the heart, the jugular, the wings—any number of vulnerable points. Your best bet would probably be to damage the wing; that way they’re pretty much useless in the air, and they’re less likely to strike you with it. Even better, if you can get a good strike in, kill it right then and there. Unfortunately, it takes a well-tempered blade and a strong stroke through the heart to kill a dragoon. With dragons it’s not so hard, but they can be tenacious if they feel like it.”

‘Ok, now I know how to kill one…but how to find out about training and general living?’ She had to repress a smile at her next thought. ‘Not that I haven’t already learned some of it from taking care of Teresa—but she deserves better.’ There was silence a moment as the girl thought. Finally, she had it.

“But I’m not likely to fight one, right?” she said, more a statement than a question.
Zirren lapsed into thought, his brows furrowing. “Well,” he began, “maybe not. First off, there’s that dragoon you saw. Who knows when it’ll turn up again. Secondly, there have been occasional sightings of other dragons in the past—I don’t know where they come from or how they get to flying over the village, but they’ve been seen before.” He glanced up at her, his expression even more suspicious. “The Mayor told me you’d been asking to look at the village records on that kind of stuff. Didn’t you find those reports in there?”

Vanessa’s heart beat faster. Did he suspect her intentions, or was he just curious about her interest in the beasts? “No, I didn’t,” she answered. “The parchment was rather old and the ink had worn out.” ‘That’s not completely true,’ she thought, ‘but I certainly didn’t look hard enough either.’ She could curse herself later for not paying more attention to the scrolls, but now was not the time. If she could pry the valuable knowledge from him, she needed to know more.
“What do you think prompted these few to fly near the village? Aren’t they normally afraid of people?”

The general burst out laughing, a deep, rumbling sound like waves crashing against far-off cliffs. “Never! They’re smarter than you think, dear girl. A full-grown dragon wouldn’t give you a second glance as it bites you in half and eats you for dinner—even less so a dragoon. We’re like deer or ants to them; prey or nuisances, depending on the situation. But—” he held up a finger to emphasize his point, “after we learned how to best them—before they were banished, that is—they generally kept to the far forests and Rolling Ridge. I have heard, however, there was a dragoon that took up residence at the castle which hasn’t been seen or heard from in half a century. The first of only three sightings of that particular beast was about ten years after Veran had been defeated, too, which is a rather interesting point.”

‘Finally, some useful information!’ Vanessa almost crowed with delight, barely restraining herself so as not to arouse any further suspicion. “But why would it do that?”

Zirren shrugged. “I haven’t gotten the faintest idea.”
The girl’s ecstasy deflated almost instantly. Had he purposefully stopped her line of questioning, or did he really not know why that dragoon had roosted in the castle?

After a period of silence, the general stood up and said, “Well, guess you’d better get going to wherever it is you disappear to after our lessons. It’s almost noon. Tomorrow I’ll have you start sparring with Faël at the same time as today’s lesson—got it?” With that, he sheathed his sword and walked off toward the river that was Lynna City’s informal western boundary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EDIT: [s]Note that this is only the first half of the chapter.[/s] I've added the second half now. I'm debating making it a third half, but the next part will probably be part of the next chapter (I hate transitions... T_T). [s]Also, I'd like to know if there should be the double-dot accent on Fael's name or not. I can keep it or do without it, I don't know if I need it, though, because I have the 'ae' in there. =/ Anyone good with that kind of language? =P[/s]

Let's see how fast I can get this crit typed. I never got to it yesterday *feels bad* and I have to leave for school in fifteen/twenty minutes. ^^;

First, she was definitely going to need some training—and lots of it.

Use commas before and's, but's, or's, etc. (The word for those just left my head. How embarrassing!) Delete and or change the dash to a comma. ^_^ You had another one of these later in the paragraph.

It just so happened, [no comma] that was also where she was going to get her second task completed.

I was thinking of putting another that here, but I hate repeating words, even if it's fine grammatically. It just so happened that [insert noun here] was also...

The girl—obviously Zirren’s daughter, though she didn’t share his glossy black hair—grinned.

Why don't commas work? oO

Vanessa watched, astonished, as the mare planted her hooves mid-stride and leapt to the right past a pile of hay bales, [no comma] which were meant to simulate an opponent about as large as a small dragoon.

I'd say no commas before those types of clauses. ^^

The mare followed her training and performed the other half of their maneuver— [comma instead] though she would rather have eaten the hay than batter it with her hooves.

Also, I'd like to know if there should be the double-dot accent on Fael's name or not. I can keep it or do without it, I don't know if I need it, though, because I have the 'ae' in there. =/ Anyone good with that kind of language? =P

Well I do know that the umlaut (double dot accent ) is used in the German language, and taking German, I know how to pronounce things in that language fairly compared to the rest of my class. You don't need it if you have the 'ae' in it, so I'd get rid of it. ^_^

Otherwise, bravo! Typed this up in five minutes. How's that for timing? I also haven't critted something in weeks, really, so it was hard to get back in shape!

Jabber, the One and Only!

JabberHut wrote:Let's see how fast I can get this crit typed. I never got to it yesterday *feels bad* and I have to leave for school in fifteen/twenty minutes. ^^;

O.O No way. Jabber, is it just me, or are you critique-crazy?

JabberHut wrote:

The girl—obviously Zirren’s daughter, though she didn’t share his glossy black hair—grinned.

Why don't commas work? oO

Well, you see, I hate what appear to me to be too many commas. In this particular case, I thought the double dash would work better. I see what you mean in other instances, though. ^^;

So, other than the occasional grammatical issue, what did you think of this particular scene? Did it detract too much from what I'm trying to say Vanessa needs to do? Were there any problems with this as a transitional chapter (by the way, I'm adding the second half to it now when you get a chance)? Help! DX

Oh, and how does the name 'Hunter's Training' sound for the chapter name?

O.O No way. Jabber, is it just me, or are you critique-crazy?

Psh, I wish... I've been falling dreadfully behind. But! I'm catching up now. I did a couple during school to type up, gotta read up on another story that's further along already, and then ask for more!

Did it detract too much from what I'm trying to say Vanessa needs to do? Were there any problems with this as a transitional chapter

I thought it ran pretty smoothly.. It never hurts to improve it in any way you can, but I followed. We don't want to bore the reader to death by piling information on them, but we also don't want to confuse the reader by jumping from one point to the other. How you lead to Vanessa standing at Zirren's doorstep was wonderfully written, I thought.

Onward!

“And what if you’re fighting—oh, let’s say, a dragon?”

The dash didn't seem to belong. Try:

And what if you were fighting...oh, let's say...a dragon?
And what if you were fighting, oh...let's say a dragon?
And what if you were fighting...oh, let's say a dragon?

Basically, I'm thinking the triple dots need to go somewhere. Hesitation may make her interrogation sound more realistic. ^^

To Vanessa, it was a welcome respite from the past three days of intense instruction in intermediate swordplay.

Wasn't quite sure how to edit this, but it was off.

Her plan to subtly interrogate the general for information on dragons while she was training had continually nagged at her throughout the whole week, but until now, she hadn’t gotten a chance to ask one question, subtle or not.

He had apparently fallen into a thread of general discussion suited to him, because he continued the lecture, oblivious to what he was supposed to be doing.

Okay, something happened and I can't pinpoint just what exactly...

‘Ok, now I know how to kill one…but how to find out about training and general living?’ She had to repress a smile at her next thought. ‘Not that I haven’t already learned some of it from taking care of Teresa—but she deserves better.’

You don't need quotes around your thoughts if they're already italicized. ^^

The first of only three sightings of that particular beast was about ten years after Veran had been defeated, [no comma] too, which is a rather interesting point.”

I honestly have seen that comma there in many places, but I don't really know why? It doesn't belong in my opinion, and my ACT book says it should either... I mean, it's for the ACT, but I found it a great source for comma usage. ^_^

Zirren shrugged. “I haven’t [s]gotten [/s] got the faintest idea.”

I think.

This was good. IT wasn't info-dumpy; you tied it in with your dialogue, which is what I like to see [and use]. I'm glad things are going better now that you passed the transition chapter. When you yourself go back to edit to check for loopholes and such, you'll know what to fix or not. ^^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I love this, great fanfic is all I can say for now

Oh. My. Gosh. I haven't been on here in, like...forever. X_X

ANYway--I have some good news. Chapter 8 is coming along again (kinda--I'm working on it right now) but I'm not sure when it'll be finished. I'd like your guys' opinion on if I should post what I have or wait 'til I'm done.

EDIT: I've decided. I've got a good place to cut off this post, but it's not finished. This is only the first half, maybe 2/3rds of it. The action really gets rolling again from here on out, or at least, it should in the next chapter.

So, here we are! Chapter 8: Dragonsearch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 8: Dragonsearch

“You say he had assistance?” her master questioned silkily.

“Yes, my lord. From what I could glean, she was merely a girl, one living among the Labrynnians at that. The dragoon confirms this.” Vaden scowled. “Unfortunately, I could not learn anything more about her, other than her name and a vague description. But I do know that he somehow—somehow, by the Dark One!—concealed a particularly tasty morsel about her history before I could get to it.”

The dark sorcerer was silent a moment. Vaden caught brief snatches of his emotions at this new bit of information and was angered by them. Mere intrigue at what this meant? It should be an outrage to him that their enemy had managed yet again to outsmart them and hinder their plans!

“What is her name?” her master asked quietly.

“Vanessa. Vanessa Satori.”

Complete silence. For a moment there was no indication how her master was taking it, though Vaden expected from experience that it was only the calm before the storm. To her great surprise, however, he withdrew from her mind without a word.

‘What was that about?’ she wondered, opening her eyes to look westward across Rolling Ridge.

The woman was frustrated by the Hero’s inexplicable success at hiding information from her, as well as her inability to understand her master’s most recent reactions to the new tidbits of information—she considered herself the best person she knew at reading emotions. In her aggravation, she slammed an open palm against the stone sill of the tower’s window and glared hatefully at the brightly cheerful rising sun.

Vaden sat there for the next hour, as still and black as the stone around her, sorting her thoughts while the white orb rose higher into the sky. Finally, just before noon, she stirred and purposefully strode from the room, trotting quickly down the interminably spiraling stairs that lead from her room to the top floor of the main keep.

The general hubbub of lower-level castle life helped to calm her riled spirit somewhat as she moved through the corridors toward the southwestern tower. Seeing the many loathsome monsters her master kept as ready pawns cower before her without her having to do more than round a corner gave her a grim, powerful satisfaction in her dominance of the keep. Even the dark men that were a mere two or three steps up the chain of command quaked at her withering glances—possibly more afraid of her than the average monster. More than even the dreaded, forbidden name of her master, her constant presence controlled this keep and kept it ready for battle at a moment’s notice.

It made her feel good to know her power was manifest in other beings in such ways.

There was one creature who would never come completely under her thumb, though, simply by virtue of the fact that she had not summoned it. Vaden frowned as she finally reached the base of the tower which was her destination. It irked her that the dragoon knew this problem—if it knew not the full details, then it at least sensed that single hole in her power. That was bad enough as it was without having her failures known to this particular underling while she was busy worrying about every other dilemma Light’s resistance to Darkness was causing.

With a sigh, she resigned herself to playing second fiddle and reached out to touch the sleeping dragoon’s mind, smirking. ‘Isn’t it just like that oaf to be sleeping right when I need it?’

She gave the mental equivalent of an impatient cough when the dragon didn’t stir at her mind's touch. “Arise, dragon—there is need of you,” she intoned blandly.

“What is it this time? Another Hylian in need of capture?” it grumbled irritably. Vaden sensed it shifting slightly on the nest it had created at the back corner of the four-sided, three-walled tower.

“Yes, actually. Though it might even be better for us if you managed to—oh, somehow…accidentally slice her throat?” the sorceress hinted.

The sluggish-minded reptile seemed to perk up at this. “Who is it, might I enquire?”
Vaden presented to it the image she had snatched from Link’s memory: an athletic, brunette girl of medium height with hazel eyes. A sword’s scabbard was strapped to her hip and a white horse stood beside her, its reins in her hands.

She got just the reaction she wanted—anger at its failure to kill the girl the first time and satisfaction that it would get a second chance to do just that. “I take it you remember her?” Through the dragoon’s seething emotions, she felt its very distinct reply. “Good. Her name is Vanessa Satori, and she lives in a house in Lynna City. Be watchful, though—she knows us and suspects you. Also, the people of Lynna aren’t as conditioned to you as the men here. Avoid detection at all costs, or Master shall have what is left of your head when I’m through with you!”
Vaden laughed with evil glee as the dragon enthusiastically leapt from the tower’s single cave-like room and soared southwestward toward the City.

*************************************

A flash of metallic purple hide caught Vanessa’s eye as she slowly pivoted in the middle of the tiny glen. She carefully watched the area near where she had sighted it, waiting for Teresa to make another mistake. Finally, she spotted the dragonet’s glinting purple hide again, this time to her left. With a cry, she lunged through the undergrowth to grapple with the dragonet, her arms wrapping around Teresa’s long neck.

Teresa squealed good-naturedly as the Hylian settled into the hollow over her shoulder and thumped the dragon’s hide affectionately. “Teresa, Teresa, Teresa—haven’t you figured out yet that sunlight is not to your advantage? I can see you coming a mile away with this hide of yours.”

The dragonet crooned innocently, cocking one amethyst eye at her as if begging for forgiveness. Vanessa sighed; the young dragon just didn’t seem to want to take her lessons seriously. “Well, come on, then. We’d better be heading back before it gets too dark.” The dragonet gave a tiny snort and began walking southward through the trees toward Vanessa’s home, easily carrying the Hylian on her back as if she weighed no more than a yearling wolf.

It had been four days since her last lesson with Zirren. For the past three, she had been sparring his daughter as he coached them both. Finally, after being unable to find another opportunity to suck more information on dragons from the general, she had given up and decided to try teaching Teresa herself.

This was why they had been in the forests along Lynna Lake so close to dusk. There was hardly a safe place for Teresa to fly, let alone somewhere near the city. It just so happened, Lynna Forest was about as close to the city and as far from where Northern Castle supposedly was as they could get—which worked out perfectly fine for Vanessa. However, this train of thought only brought her back to Teresa’s mistakes, and how both of them might pay for the dragonet’s lack of good training if—when—they got into a real fight.

She had hoped the two of them would be able to launch their rescue operation sometime within the next two weeks. But if Teresa didn’t begin to take her amateur teacher’s lessons seriously—and soon—Vanessa feared it would be impossible for them to pull it off without a serious injury or death.

The girl was jolted out of her brooding by a nudge from Teresa; the pair had already arrived at the cliff edge overlooking her house, and it was time to dismount. As Vanessa slid from the dragon’s shoulder, she caught a glimpse of sliver light reflected off metal in the late afternoon sunlight. She squinted against the glare to her right and finally spotted two soldiers walking with purpose up the inclined path that lead to her home.

Apprehension welled up inside her as the girl hastily settled her dragon in for the night. Something other than the fact that two soldiers were visiting her house told her something had gone wrong recently—or would go wrong soon.

Vanessa snuck in through the back door, checking to be sure Teresa was out of sight before quietly latching the door behind her. She stopped as the voices of her mother and the two soldiers reached her straining ears.

“…where that girl gets to around this time of night. I’m sure she’ll be here soon, though, if you would hold on just—” Her mother abruptly stopped speaking as the girl stepped from the hall leading into the back room. “Oh.”

“I’m back, Mother,” Vanessa said coolly, keeping her expression neutral until she knew what was going on.

“I see that,” the woman answered, now appearing somewhat nervous. The girl resisted the temptation to let her brow furrow. Something was definitely wrong here if her mother was twitchy in the presence of soldiers. “Well, I guess I’ll just leave you three to talk. Good evening, sirs.” With that, she bustled past Vanessa into the back room, casting a worried glance at her daughter.

Now she let one eyebrow jump up her forehead, breaking her impassive façade. “If I might inquire,” the girl addressed the soldiers, “What’s going on?”

The soldier to the left—a lanky youth of about twenty years with light brown hair—cleared his throat uneasily. “Miss, the Mayor told us we should warn you about some strange occurrences you might not have been aware of which have transpired lately.”

“And to speak with you about what these might mean, on his behalf,” the second, an older, heavily-scarred and dark-skinned man, added smoothly.

Vanessa’s eyes narrowed. “If it has to do with the Hero’s mission, you must know I will speak with none but him on that matter.”

“So the Mayor himself warned us you might say,” the second man replied silkily. “However, I believe there are certain facts about what my friend here has mentioned to you that will reverse your opinion of this silence.”

Something about Vanessa’s personality didn’t seem to agree with this man’s sly character—unfortunately, she couldn’t seem to put a finger on what made her so suspicious. For the time being, the girl was forced to turn her mind from the dilemma to listen to the first soldier.

“A dragon has been spotted in the area, Miss,” the brunette explained, speaking so quickly it almost seemed as if he too shared Vanessa’s sentiments about his partner. “It is said to come from the north to fly the skies over this city. By all accounts it is described as being as large as a palace with no bright scale on its hide, being all black as the night. It is unanimously agreed by all who have seen this dragon that there is a feeling of evil about it, for it does not simply fly by as might be expected but glides as if searching for something. It is of the Mayor’s opinion that this beast has something to do with the Hero of Time’s hitherto publicly unknown mission to locate and retrieve the Oracle.”

The girl froze; the memory of her encounter with the dragoon from a mere month past—and the feeling of mortal danger that went with it—was still vivid in her mind. If the reports were to be believed, which was Vanessa’s second inclination after thinking the soldier’s words over, then the dark dragoon of evil had been sent to find her.

Meaning either the barriers around Link’s mind had been broken, or he was dead.

She feverishly prayed it was only the former.

Vanessa steadied herself with a hand on the back of her mother’s chair, hoping the motion didn’t betray how hard those words had hit her. “Is that all?” she asked, forcedly casual. “That’s not so bad. Does the Mayor think it’s looking for me or something?”

“Yes.”

This simple answer from the dark-skinned man had the girl blinking confusedly. Then the reality of what the man had said processed, and she forced down rising fear.

“Get out,” she ordered the soldiers, her voice menacingly soft. “If the Mayor wants to tell me something, he can talk to me himself.” When they made no move to obey her, Vanessa forced her voice slightly louder. “Out!”
*********************
‘What's up with all this?’ she wondered angrily, grinding her teeth in irritation. Soothing forest greenery whipped by in a blur, Seril’s thundering hoof beats pounding in time to the blood roiling in her veins. The horse skittered around concealed holes and leapt over wide logs as they came without any guidance from her; her thoughts were being too belligerent right now for her to really care, and Seril seemed to be enjoying the freedom anyway.

Something about the dark-skinned soldier had gotten her on edge, made her insides quake with fear and roil with wary anger worse than she had ever felt. ‘Something’s not right…something’s not right…’ The litany ran through her head again and again and again, but still the girl couldn’t put her finger on what was bothering her.

Vanessa had definitely needed the reassuring ride after that encounter.

Teresa was flying protectively over her. The girl knew she should send the dragon back home before she was spotted and mistaken for the dragoon, but she didn’t have the heart right now to do that. Plus, the selfish part of her was secretly glad the dragonet had followed her; it was comforting.

At long last, Vanessa pulled her horse back to a slow jog and took in her surroundings. With a start, she realized that the three of them had traversed farther into the forest than she had meant to. They were almost two miles west of the city with night quickly shrouding everything in a deep, purple-tinged darkness.

The girl nervously pulled Seril to a halt and pointed him back down the path in the direction they had come. If she had been irritated by and afraid of the dark-skinned soldier, now she was wary and afraid of the darkness seeking to envelop them in velvety, deathly shadow. She had to get back to city quickly before anything happened; who knew what lurked in the shadows, waiting for her.

Seril had only just begun trotting back down the trail, about to break into a canter, when an unearthly shriek splintered the velvety stillness. She flinched and gave a small cry of pain as something struck her shoulder. Her stallion trumpeted angrily; the girl felt him picking up his feet over something that hadn’t been there a moment before.

Light flared up all around her, eerily striking the grotesque faces of blue-skinned Bulbins and Bokoblins closing in around her. Blinking furiously to compensate for the sudden brightness—she was nearly blind now from the torchlight—Vanessa glanced beyond the immediate ring of torches and spotted archers training gleaming arrows in her direction. One of the shiny metal tips, she found out, was imbedded in her shoulder; the girl tried to keep from shifting it too much and gritted her teeth against the throbbing pain.

Her thoughts immediately rushed to the little dragonet circling overhead. “Teresa, stay away!” Vanessa called to her. She sensed that the dragon thought of refusing the order and leaping into the circle anyway, but the girl couldn’t let that happen. Who knew what else lay in wait? Who knew if the dragoon was there or not? “Go! I’ll be fine!”

As soon as she was sure the dragon had obeyed, Vanessa jabbed her heels into Seril’s flanks. The horse leapt, easily clearing the space over the small monsters’ heads, and demolished the circle of archers behind them, biting out at those not fast enough to dodge his flying hooves. Harsh shrieks and calls rang through the forest after the fleeing rider, but she paid them no mind.

This time through, Vanessa was aware of every pitfall and log they had to dodge. She concentrated on guiding the stallion across the treacherously dark terrain, trying to ignore her pounding shoulder. Hard as she tried, though, and as fast as Seril was moving, the torchlight still seeped through the darkness around her, giving her light to see and forewarning about the monsters’ movements.

It seemed forever before the space between the trees began to widen and Vanessa caught a glimpse of the town. Peering intently through the darkness, the girl spotted a whole congregation of torches spread out across the central square; apparently there was a meeting going on.

Vanessa didn’t have the chance to wonder at this, though, because just then the earth beneath Seril’s hooves gave way. The horse pitched forward and sideways with a shrill neigh, and Vanessa was tossed from the saddle. She was lucky in that she didn’t fall on the arrow in her arm; she wasn’t so lucky that her head hit a particularly thick log. Stars exploded in her vision, quickly replaced by blackness.

When the girl groggily came to, the first thing her befuddled mind comprehended was the fact that there were human voices in the clearing. The second thing was the nerves in her bandaged shoulder whimpering in agony. She groaned, blinked, and forced the images swirling just beyond her lashes into focus.

The first thing she saw was a large fire flickering timidly in the middle of a good-sized clearing. Its light was partly obstructed by at least a dozen shapes which occasionally stood up and moved from one side of the fire to the other. Vanessa could tell they were people, but she couldn’t see any faces—the pain in her arm was making it difficult to see much of anything. Her mind finally kicked into gear, though, when she tried to sit up and realized her hands were bound.

If these people were any of the villagers, she wouldn’t be tied up. Plus, just after this thought she spotted living Bokoblins—they should be quite dead and burning by now if the villagers had rescued her.

That had to mean these people by the fire were enemy soldiers and the village was either under threat of attack or had already been attacked. They also probably didn’t know she was missing.

Vanessa now tried to make out the words the men around the fire were saying but ended up blinking in confusion. Their words weren’t of any language she had ever heard, and certainly not Hylian. She peered more closely at the men, suspicion coiling like a poised snake in her mind. Ice settled in her stomach when she realized they were all dark of skin and hair with varying eye-color.

They were terrifyingly similar in physical characteristics to the black soldier.

‘Who are these men?’ the girl wondered, forcing herself upright despite the lancing pain her shoulder and bonds caused with the movement. She nearly jumped out of her skin when something sharp brush against her back. In the next moment, though, she felt the ropes loosen around her wrists.

“It’s me, no worry,” a cheery voice said in her mind.

“Teresa?” Watching the enemy soldiers carefully, Vanessa shifted slightly so she could look behind her. She nearly fell over forward when the dragonet butted her snout affectionately against the girl’s back. “When did you learn—” The girl shook her head. “Never mind. We need a cover-up and then a way out of here. We won’t get far if they notice too soon that I’m gone.”

Vanessa could have sworn Teresa tried to smile at her—the dragon’s fangs glistened dangerously in the firelight, but her amethyst eyes were twinkling merrily. “I got it covered. Horse behind me—get going.”

The girl could have chuckled at the dragon’s childish grammar, but the seriousness of their situation prevented her from doing so. Instead she glanced back at the dark-skinned men to be sure they weren’t paying attention to her; in fact, they appeared to have begun quarrelling among themselves. With a grim smile, she ducked through the greenery that half concealed Teresa and quietly clucked for Seril.

Seril huffed softly as he daintily stepped toward her, appearing nervous but willing to do what was asked of him. His tack had somehow remained in place, his reins awkwardly wrapped around the saddle horn. Slight nicks in the leather betrayed the fact that an animal had done it, most likely Teresa. Vanessa marveled that the stallion had stayed near her when home was so close—that, of course, had to have been Teresa’s work as well.

She had to find some way to reward that dragon after this was all done.

Yells of surprise and terror cut through the rough voices that had been growing louder as the argument escalated behind her. Teresa roared, a deep-throated, terror-inspiring sound Vanessa had never heard from the little dragon before. Flames leapt to life behind her, painting the clearing in vivid oranges and reds contrasting sharply with the variously-hued greens of forest undergrowth. Somewhere behind her, a branch or a tree—she couldn’t tell which—fell with a splintering crash into the midst of the battle she was sure had begun.

Seril began trotting away from the noise and confusion as soon as the girl had gotten her feet off the ground. Vanessa urged him into a canter when she had settled herself in the saddle, leaning low over his neck to present a smaller target for any archers hiding on overhanging boughs. No one challenged them as they sped through the trees, heading in the general direction Teresa had told them the village lay.

No person challenged her, anyway.

As horse and rider slowed from their gallop to navigate the treacherous slope before the village limits, an enormous roar shook Vanessa and the night. A tornado whipped past her, close on the heels of a huge creature’s wing beats. The girl immediately knew something so large and threatening couldn’t be Teresa; throwing caution to the wind, she kicked Seril back into a gallop.

But he had had enough. As the dragoon came back for a more-deadly sweep at the pair, the horse abruptly reared mid-stride and pivoted. Caught off-guard, Vanessa was again thrown from the saddle with a yell of surprise.

This time, her head found a rock.

Glad! It's been forever since I've read this. Hopefully what I comment on makes sense, and if it doesn't, shame on me. And because of that long crit you gave me, I'm going to be over-picky too just for you!

Grammar and First Impressions

“You say he had assistance?” her master questioned silkily.

That is such a weird word. Smoothly works just fine or any other word. Silkily is just not easy to read.

Complete silence.

Was it not completely silent a moment ago? This was kind of annoying repetition right here, lol. It's as if you're dragging the reader by the leash. "It's freaking silent, reader!" Try to say something else to describe the silence. Maybe someone shifted uneasily or a rat skittered across the floor. I dunno, lol, but I didn't like this so close to that paragraph before it starting with silent.

‘What was that about?’ she wondered, opening her eyes to look westward across Rolling Ridge.

I don't remember if you do the single quotes around thoughts or not, so forgive me. But I think this is fine without any quote marks at all. Just the italics should be fine.

...tower’s window and glared hatefully at the brightly cheerful rising sun.

Again, that's kind of a weird word as if there was lack of a better word. I think maliciously or malevolently or some other synonym would work better.

trotting quickly down the interminably spiraling stairs that lead from her room to the top floor of the main keep.

Should that be lead or led? I, myself, am out of my critting practice, so I may be getting only too nit-picky; but my brain wanted to say led.

Seeing the many loathsome monsters her master kept as ready pawns cower before her without her having to do more than round a corner gave her a grim, powerful satisfaction in her dominance of the keep.

That is a long noun. XD Is there any way to shorten this? It's grammatically correct, I just had to read it twice [more carefully the second time 'round] to find the verb.

Though it might even be better for us if you managed to—oh, somehow…accidentally slice her throat?

That dash can easily be a comma. It was too long of a pause for what you're going for here. ^^

Vaden presented [s]to it[/s] the image she had snatched from Link’s memory:

You refer to the dragon as it almost too many times. Anything can be it. At least give it a gender if you're going to use pronouns for him. Otherwise, I deleted this because it's not needed anyway. Who else would she present it to?

A sword’s scabbard was strapped to her hip, and a white horse stood beside her, its reins in her hands.

This is one of those comma rules that I'm too lazy to explain. xD

Eh, I'll do it anyway. And is a conjunction, but it only gets a comma in certain circumstances. If there is a subject and a verb on both sides of the conjunction, then it gets a comma. An independent clause must be on both sides of the conjunction to have a comma.

“I take it you remember her?” Through the dragoon’s seething emotions, she felt its very distinct reply. “Good. Her name is Vanessa Satori, and she lives in a house in Lynna City. Be watchful, though—she knows us and suspects you. Also, the people of Lynna aren’t as conditioned to you as the men here. Avoid detection at all costs, or Master shall have what is left of your head when I’m through with you!”

Make this its own paragraph.

Finally, she spotted the dragonet’s glinting purple hide again, this time to her left.

You said purple hide 'bout two sentences ago. Can't we say, maybe, violet scales or something that means the same thing as purple hide? xD

However, this train of thought only brought her back to Teresa’s mistakes, [no comma] and how both of them might pay for the dragonet’s lack of good training if—when—they got into a real fight.

She squinted against the glare to her right and finally spotted two soldiers walking with purpose up the inclined path that [s]lead[/s] led to her home.

Something other than the fact that two soldiers were visiting her house told her something had gone wrong recently—or would go wrong soon.

“If I might inquire,” the girl addressed the soldiers, “[s]What’s[/s] what's going on?”

“And to speak with you about what these might mean, on his behalf,” the second, [s]an[/s] older, heavily-scarred and dark-skinned man, added smoothly.

That is a lot of adjectives. Is there no other way to describe his appearance? Maybe in multiple sentences?

“So the Mayor himself warned us you might say,” the second man replied silkily.

Again, that weird word.

“A dragon has been spotted in the area, Miss,” the brunette explained, speaking so quickly it almost seemed as if he, too, shared Vanessa’s sentiments about his partner.

Brunette: Females with brown hair
Brunet: Males with brown hair.

“It is said to come from the north to fly the skies over this city.

They say it as if this is the dragon's purpose. Do they know the dragon's purpose?

By all accounts, it is described as being as large as a palace [s]with no bright scale on its hide[/s], being all black as the night.

That just seemed out of place, even for fantasy dialogue.

She feverishly prayed it was [s]only[/s] the former.

Overall

Amazing, as usual.

I'm a little unsure about the soldiers. They seemed kind of robotic, but maybe soldiers are supposed to be like that? They had no feeling. They just seemed to be there to deliver the message, and the message they delivered seemed to be read from a newspaper clipping. I'm a little unsure about those two.

There were no other issues that stood out to me, though. Amazing job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

JabberHut wrote:And because of that long crit you gave me, I'm going to be over-picky too just for you!

Thank you, Jabbies!

JabberHut wrote:

Gladius wrote:‘What was that about?’ she wondered, opening her eyes to look westward across Rolling Ridge.

I don't remember if you do the single quotes around thoughts or not, so forgive me. Laughing But I think this is fine without any quote marks at all. Just the italics should be fine.

I have a reason for this. I know you don't have to use single quotes around thoughts, but I prefer to because it lets me show the distinction between private thoughts and telepathic speech, especially when a conversation just ended or is in progress. I guess either way [with/out quotes] would work, but I prefer this way. *shrug*

JabberHut wrote:

Gladius wrote: trotting quickly down the interminably spiraling stairs that lead from her room to the top floor of the main keep.

Should that be lead or led? I, myself, am out of my critting practice, so I may be getting only too nit-picky; but my brain wanted to say led.

Doh! *head/palm* Silly me. ^^;

Thankies Jabby! *hug* I'm working feverishly on the second half of this chap, so I'll add it into the other post when I'm done. However, I can't guarantee when that will be because I won't have access to internet while I'm traveling (which should be in a few minutes...or a half hour, depending on somewhat-uncontrollable circumstances T T). Either way, hopefully we'll see this moving along a little faster in the next few days. ^_^

I didn't find any thing that needs changes. It's a good story and I could somewhat understand what was goin' on even though I didn't read the previous chapters. Keep up the good work and if you need anymore reviews I will happily trade you for some snacks.

Boon the Werewolf