Young Writers Society

Hello

This was fairly-well written and I would be interested in seeing what would happen afterwards. The style was fairly appropriate but strangely passive in my opinion for Hermione. I thought her the type to research everything before finally accepting anything, but that it just my opinion.

Thank you for the read,
CainWalker

Wow this is really good. I think its wierd that you put Hermionie in the place of Genny for Harry's love. You also took Harry's life unlike his survival in the book. I think it was a very good twist on the novels that made Harry Potter so great.

Are there any other words that can be equelled to the word WOW?

If there are all thoes should go to your book.

But there is some er...... thing that needs to be fixed.

Hermione Granger had easily blended into the crowd of mourners with her outfit of all black.

It stops the flow of the sentence.Put it like "Hermione Granger easily blended within the crowd as she was wearing a black outfit".If you want that is.

Having Hermione as Harry's girlfriend is a little odd,but I'd say that it makes a nice change.

And your idea of Harry dieing is also good.

So I can say this is one of the best fanfics I had read.

Good luck.

I can't believe it!!
It was well done!!
That could totally be made into a book. Hey could you write more? i'VE BEEN TRYING TO LOOK FOR HARRY POTTER FAN FIC FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES AND SPOTTING THIS ONE WAS GREAT!!

wow
this was amazing
the way you wrote it,
everything
was just amazing
though it was a bit differant from the books
such as the fact that Hermione was Harry's love interest
but it was brilliant
XD

This is really, really good!!! I'm usually quite picky about fanfics of Harry Potter, but I can't fault it, for the time that it was written anyway. If you had written it from tis view after the 7th book i would have wrung your neck, lol. But as it is I'm happy.

The writing is brilliant as well! You have a reaqlly good style, and I hope that you carry it through to your other stories and don't just restrict it to fanfic, that would be disappointing.

Hermione Granger had easily blended into the crowd of mourners with her outfit of all black.

i know alot of the others have said about this, but I don't think it needs major change, just get rid of the all and you'll be fine, even just say her completely black outfit, (don't say "all black outfit", that's the new zealand rugby team, and would make it sound like she was wearing a rugby jersey, lol)

Other than that I absolutely love it, you've written about the fight in a great way, considering you hadn't read what she had it sounded very similar and just as epic. I also agree that you sound very rowlingesk. Overall it has a great feel about it.

Other than critiqueing-have you read the last book yet??? Anyway, it was a really well-written piece, with the exception of a few repetitive details, and a few confusing points, (the flashback transitions) but it was a good story. A very good alternate ending. I also second the motion that the black clothing thing detracted from the gravity of the story, although it seems realistic; the sort of thing a person trying not to think about grief would mull over.
The mind really is a strange thing, isn't it? Also, the part about not being able to look at Harry, much less, the two years before thing mentioned at the beginning, was confusing. But I loved the connection to Destiny, the whole thing like that. There really is a period of denial about death, and a period-if you're lucky, that is- when you can't seem to feel anything; just numb, until it hits you; what's happened, then it's tears, tears, tears... Onto a less morbid subject: good job.

I loved it. Write more!!!!!! Please? Pretty please?
Let me know if you do:)
xxxx