Young Writers Society

Sorry Gladius, I've got to go, I'll review the fourth some other time, from what i saw it looks great! i'll see you later.

Tamora wrote:You've kept the same style which can be really difficult, but then again, this is only the start, we'll see what happens further on. The plot is being explored and presented to us well, I'm being drawn in further and really wanting to read the rest, so good going.

Te he- thank you. Wait till we get past the 'break', it gets a looot more interesting from there.

I'm surprised that Jabber didn't pick this up, but quite frequently you've spelt dragon with an extra o.

The dragoon had only found a frightened old maid,

"Its first mission, and already we're behind because of that blasted dragoon!"

This might be diliberate, I don't know, he might be part of a certain tribe/group of dragons, but if so you need to tell us, otherwise it just looks like a spelling mistake.

I'll work this out in my post with Jabber's edits; look to that or my blog for this one! XD Sorry to cause so much confusion, I like to use them interchangebly.

There are a few sentances that are a bit bitsy, I think Jabbers pointed most of them out, but there're a couple of others

It felt her mind tearing through its own as she spoke, ranting and raving at the dragoon's utter failure to capture the Oracle. It didn't dare throw up defenses against her attacks or try to toss the woman out of his mind. For at least the tenth time since it had been summoned from the Realm of Darkness by its new master, it felt powerless.

this is more than a sentance, but the use of personal pronouns is a bit off, and makes me wonder who you're talking about at times...That last bit just confirms who's view we're from and also gives some sense of how humiliating it is for him to be powerless, (you might want to choose a different word than mighty though)

Wphew- ok, let's wade through this, shall we? First, the problem is this particular dragoon isn't a he or a she- hence the use of 'it.' So, how do you replace it? <_< >_> You're right, but still...that's a bit difficult to change... *head/desk* I'll just use a common noun instead!! :idea::idea: XD
And what do you mean by 'try something other than mighty?' >.> Was that in the paragraph above?

If so, when his usefulness runs out, I shall personally kill him.”

i don't like how this flows, and I feel as if, because it's the end of the chapter, there should be more suspense. If so, when his usefulness has run out, I shall kill him...personally. you can really draw it out, and help develop the charactor out, into a thoughtful kind of man, which is what seems to be coming across earlier. that's only if that's what the charactor is supposed to be mind you.

To tell the truth, i still don't really know exactly where I'm going with him. I have an idea, but... We'll find out, I suppose.

And yes, that sentence definitely needs a little switch-er-oo. I had it like that in the first draft, but since that one was so messed up I've only paid attention to what's in my head- not to mention the fact that when I first started and drew a map it was completely off. >.< so I'm really starting from scratch with it, except idea, setting, and characters.

You do an excellent job turning a video game plot into a novel, as if the novel came first. Marvelous!

So true! this plot is brilliantly original, but still (I'm sure) sticking to the game's. Being able to interpret a game's plot, or indeed any other media's plot, into a novel can be very difficult and you've pulled it off wonderfully.

Actually, I think I'm more utilizing what happened in the game to influence the story. Though a lot of this is my own ideas, like the dragons and the addition of certain characters, and after this let's just say it's nothing like the games except the basic concepts (monsters, evil dude, recurring evil... ) Te he- I can't wait til we get to the sequel- I leave a lot hanging in this story.

Quote:
Your writing is marvelous!
awww shucks...

Don't be embarrassed, it's true! you've really got some talent girl!!

Why thank you, my dear Tamora- I must say you do, too, and the fact that your username is the same as a favorite author of mine must say something for your cause. *huggles*

Ok, Merry Christmas, happy New Year, happy Boxing Day- oh, just go have a good holiday season! XD

O.o Oh, my gosh! So much to respond to! XD Well, here goes:

JabberHut wrote:

If- if- if…

I'd get rid of this. Maybe if she was actually talking, it would be alright. However, I don't think it's good to stutter a thought when writing as story. =/ That's just my opinion.

Hmmm... I don't know.

JabberHut wrote:

“Come now, Mayor- it can’t be that bad.” The...

Again, period or comma rather than the dash. Use the dash more than the semicolon, but less than the commas. Always think about the commas. If the comma isn't appropriate, then think about the dash or semi. Also, this quote's tag needs to be lowercased with a comma rather than the period (same to previous quotes).

Ugh, the comma/dash/semi! :faint: XD I'll work on that...

For it was not only dragon, but dragoon.”

Forget my comments about the dragon/dragoon thing. ^_^[/quote]
He he- I was hoping someone would catch that. I'll explain this in more detail later, though.

Very good! ^_^ There are still issues with the comma/dash/semi deal, but it's all good. Also your tags, but those are all easy to fix. ^_^

Yay! I'll try to keep the tag problems down, and I'm working on the comma/dash/semi.

About your characters. You do pretty well except with Vanessa. You do alright with her. At first, you explain how she's this kick-butt girl that the soldiers are most impressed with. Then she runs away? I thought she agreed to company the Hero of Time. I am half asleep, so you probably mentioned it in the chapter without my realizing it. If that's the case, ignore this comment.

I won't ignore it. I see your point, but rememer this?

If anything, we’ll find her out scouting alone."

She's that kick-butt girl, and she wants to show off. Let's say she's a little...over-eager

Is Vanessa so special that wild animals sleep with her? o_O

Nooooo- no no no no no! The girl that's in the clearing is Nayru, and Vanessa is the girl in the bushes. XD Sorry for the confusion there...I probably should've put in the fact that the sleeping girl had blue hair, not brown. XD I haven't said that yet, have I? O.o *desperately wishes someone who knew what she (Gladius) was talking about would read and post on this*

Actually, that's not much of a disadvantage- I can make sure you-who-know-nothing-about-the-series understand what I'm talking about without having to play the game! *cough*cough* eh hem!

...that better not stop you from writing and posting! I'll catch up whenever I can.

=/ Well, I didn't want to give you huge chunks of text to edit- it'd be a burden on you and me. : ) So, should I just keep posting whenever I get a chap done, or wait until you come back from holiday?

Ok- now to the dragon/dragoon thing that is stumping you guys. Dragon is a generic term, in my book, and for this particular series of fanfiction a dragon is termed as 1) a flying, fire-breathing reptilian creature of any color, size, and age or 2) as one of said creatures who is of a 'normal' intelligence level (meaning it can communicate in the same way as any other animal and a few of the more intelligent dragons can actually speak telepathic words) and is one of three subspecies: Fire, Water, and Earth.

Think of it this way: the latin name for dragon is draconis; if a generic dragon is simply that, then the supspecies of dragon would be draconis flamma, draconis aqua, and draconis terra.
The dragoon, on the otherhand, is a much larger, much stronger, and longer-lived dragon. It would be draconis horibbilis. There are also what I call Drakes, but we'll get to that in one of the far-off sequels . Wanna know more? Check out my blog (as of writing this, it will be there in about thirty minutes).

*cue music* We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!! Have happy holidays, everyone!

It seems we're both pretty new here.

Impressions

A shadowed, cloaked man stood before a deep, cavernous pit, his head bowed and hands at his side.

The first sentence's structure is a bit...how do you say...simple? Two nouns, each with two adjectives preceding them is something you would find in a children's book, because, structurally, it's very easy to comprehend: "The big, black dog stood by his tall, red house." It doesn't have the catchy feel that you want in your opener, at least not with this audience.

The man’s head snapped up and his arms shot up perpendicular to his shoulders

Here you make a technical error. You need a comma between "up" and "and," because this sentence has two clauses. A clause is a piece of text that has a subject and a verb. Basically, when there are two subjects and two verbs in a sentence, there needs to be a comma before a conjunction somewhere. There are two subjects in this sentence: "head" and "arms."

Careful with your use of semicolons. You rarely see semicolons in any modern day novel; if used excessively, they can interrupt the flow, and though they have multiple uses, they should really only be used when explaining a preceding statement, like the one used in this sentence. There are some points, especially in the prologue, where a period could easily replace a semicolon.

It had been up to the young man named Link to stop her and bring light to the land once again- as he had so many others.

You use a hyphen (-) in this sentence, where you mean to use a dash. A dash is two hyphens together (--), and there is no space before or after. Commonly, word processors will combine the two hyphens into a longer line, thereby breeding the misconception that dashes are hyphens.

glancing guardedly

word choice, consider "vigilantly"

Even the thickest limbs had been snapped when the…something had flown through the forest to get here.

Never use ellipses in literary work; they're generally known to be the worst form of punctuation, perhaps even worse than the exclamation point!

Before he could fully contemplate this new predicament, he heard undergrowth snapping and ash disturbed by quick footfalls. He whirled around, shield held in front of him, and slashed blindly at the attacker. The Master Sword met flesh and bone; a Bokoblin- a smaller, green-skinned version of the bipedal, boar-like Moblin- howled in agony and fell, its shortsword swinging a wide arc past his shield. But he found that where one had fallen, there were twenty more to take its place- and a good number of other monsters.

This paragraph is nearly perfect. All you need to do is refine the punctuation.

Overall, you have colorful diction and syntax. The only major problem I can perceive insofar is punctuation.

the morrow wrote: The only major problem i can perceive insofar is punctuation.

So true, Morrow! However, I hope you read Jabber and Tamora's posts about these same things before you edited. Either way, though, you definitely pointed out some other things that have been bugging me:

the morrow wrote:A dash is two hyphens together (--), and there is no space before or after.

I was wondering about this--wether there was a space or not. =/ Now that you've cleared that up... >.< *runs to story and edits next few chaps*

the morrow wrote:It seems we're both pretty new here.

Well, then, welcome to YWS! >_> Oh, wait, I am new...but still, these guys here have given me such a warm welcome that I feel like a member when I haven't even been here a month! XD As an aside, thank you, JabberHut, for being such a wonderful editor for me!! *hug* >.>

Anyway, Morrow, I hope you can catch up with us--there's some reeeeeally interesting parts coming up. *insert evil laugh here*

All right, sorry for the long break. Consider this a -late- New Year's chap Enjoy!
********************
Chapter 5: Imprisonment

The cold wind whipped through his light tunic and cloak like a blade, chilling his chain mail and leather-padded gambeson on its way to his heart. He allowed an ironic smile to tug at his lips when he checked that his cap had stayed in place; for some strange reason not even he could explain, the little accessory had wormed its way into a special place in his heart, right next to his almost-religious devotion to the blade on his back.

He dared a glance at the ground below him, speeding by even faster than when he rode his swift mare. Link knew he would have to do something soon if he was to free himself before they reached the castle, but didn’t dare crawl up the beast’s neck to reach where its vulnerable jugular could be pierced by the Master Sword.

As he was musing over a plan, he felt a strange contact prod at the walls around his consciousness. Warily he allowed the presence to take a step in, but allowed no more than what was necessary to speak with the dragon.
“I would not do that if I were you.” It stated as simply as if it had been able to hear his planning. “If I go down, you go with me.”

Link grudgingly acknowledged this fact, sheathed his sword, and settled in for the long, cold ride.
The dragon laughed and left his mind victoriously.
*********************
As soon as the dragon landed, Link leapt for the cold flagstones below the dragon’s belly and sprinted toward the huge doors that lead outside the keep. But before he could get far, a huge tail sent him sprawling on his face. He heard the dragon’s laughter as it echoed in his mind and ground his teeth in irritation.
“Well, well, well,” a woman’s voice sneered from above him, “what have we here? It appears we have a guest. Off, dragon—I must see this for myself.”

The dragon’s tail was removed, and Link quickly stood. But as soon as he had turned to face the girl, he felt two pairs of hands grab his arms. He debated struggling, but thought better of it when he saw who the people were.

They appeared to be Gerudos, but all were men of black skin, round ears, and varying hair and eye colors—quite unlike the almost exclusively female race, as their hair was usually red and their eyes dark.

A fifth man, wearing a black breastplate, greaves, and bracers, unbuckled the strap which held the Master Sword’s scabbard to his back. He bit back a soft groan as the Sacred Blade was taken from him; a small piece of Link’s soul seemed to detach itself from him as the man of evil held it in his hand. The blessed steel would not harm the man as long as he did not unsheathe it.

Link immediately swore he would kill these men and return the Sword to its rightful partner when he got free. The Master Sword would not be parted from the Hero of Time for long.

The young woman that stood before evil’s prize looked him up and down, a smirk on her ruby lips. Long raven hair had been cinched into a tight ponytail at the nape of her neck. Her black eyes glittered like two star-filled abysses. They would have been pretty in any other face but hers at that moment; her lips were pulled into a malicious grin that contorted her thin face into that of a hideous, blood-thirsty monster.

“Nice of you to drop in, dear Hero,” the woman smirked, flashing him a white-toothed grin. She leaned closer, and Link involuntarily took a step back. The soldiers tightened their grip, as if frightened by unpredictable attacks from a cornered animal. “I think you’ll find the accommodations here perfectly suited to your station.” She hissed, her smile charming yet eyes glaring.
“Who are you?”

The woman seemed taken aback by the boldly-asked question, as her delicate eyebrows corkscrewed up her slanted forehead. She appeared to contemplate it a moment before answering, “I am the Mistress of Darkness. My name I prefer to keep to myself—if you cooperate, maybe you’ll learn it sooner.”
They stood glaring at each other a moment before the woman stepped back, her eyes cold, and barked. “Take him away.”
*********************
Link was escorted from his cell to a wide, open tower and bent to the sorceress’ will promptly at sunrise everyday, throughout the winter and for three months into the spring. He did fight back on every one of these occasions for a whole month, though, using what defenses he had learned from Princess Zelda to counter the woman’s magic.

But the drain on his energy was taxing. With his prisoner’s rations smaller than any soldier’s provisions or even daily expedition supplies, there was no way he could keep up his strength and fight the Mistress of Darkness at the same time. There was no other option but to keep up his strength as best he could. He only hoped his body and mind could endure the punishments until he escaped.

The Goddesses must have been on his side, for at the end of six months the woman still hadn’t glimpsed any helpful information from him. He knew it couldn’t last, though, and fully realized this when on a day in the seventh month of his imprisonment the guards dragged him to the main courtyard where he had first encountered the Mistress of Darkness.

The four men simultaneously threw him forward to greet the grass-laced flagstones. He barely caught himself with one hand and weakly levered himself up, not even bothering to dust the dirt from his filthy tunic. The chain mail and gambeson had long been taken away, and his boots were wearing through the sole from lack of proper cobbling.

“So have you finally decided to spill your knowledge? You would be in much better shape if you cooperated.” The Mistress of Darkness asked quietly, turning her head only slightly to glance at his pitiful appearance. The ghost of a jeering smile crossed her lips. Then it was gone and she wore her contorted sneer again. “Well?” She demanded.

Link gathered every last ounce of strength left in him, drawing himself up tall to meet what he could see of her glare in kind. “Why would I ever betray the people who depend on me?”

The woman immediately turned on him like a provoked dragon, her long black robes sweeping around like unfurling wings. “Then you forfeit your life!” She screamed, putting her hands on his temples. They glowed a shimmering, iridescent red, their color flaring simultaneously with the woman’s mind as she delved into his own. He saw red on black, felt a sharp pain as the blade-like thought wormed its way farther and farther into his store of knowledge.

Link screamed in agony as the spear of the woman’s thoughts found what it was looking for and forcefully tore it from him. He fell forward on his knees, then all was blissful, soothing darkness.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hey, Gladius! I'm finally getting this crit in. ^^;

...cap had stayed in place; for some strange reason not ...

Meh, use a period instead of a semi.

“I would not do that if I were you.” It stated as simply as if it had been able to hear his planning. “If I go down, you go with me.”

Your tag is a bit awkward. =/ Hmm...Assuming he's riding a dragon (:wink:):

"I would not do that if I were you," it stated in its low growl as if he knew what he was planning. "If I go down, you go down with me." Yes, no? =/ It's a little better, but I'm almost worried you're a better writer than me. XD

...sunrise everyday, throughout the winter, and for three months into the spring.

This seems to be a controversial issue, but I think my way's right. (Way to be ignorant XD). I think there should be that comma because you're listing things. It's hard to explain without the example:

Example 1: I have socks in red, blue, green and black, black, pink and blue, yellow, and gray. << My way of thinking. I can have socks of two colors, like green and black, but I can also have socks in green and socks in black. I have socks in green, green and black, and black. See?

However, some people think this is right:

Example 2: I have socks in red, blue, green and black, black, pink and blue, yellow and gray. << When I read this, I think this person also has a pair of yellow and gray socks, not a pair of yellow and a pair of gray socks.

This explains the comma. Way to jabber over nothing, eh?

...cooperated.” The Mistress of Darkness asked quietly

Tag issues. ...cooperated," the Mistress of Darkness asked quietly.

“Then you forfeit your life!” She screamed

Tag issues again. ...your life!" she screamed.

Sheesh, you're good. I'm really worried now! Poor Link. I hope everything turns out alright. Way to keep me in suspense. Well, seriously, good job. At first, I was worried there was nothing to crit because it was very good. However, there's still a couple tag issues. There's not a lot, though, so you're improving.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Yay! Poor Link! XD When I was writing this, I had a friend of mine say almost the same thing. Glad to hear I can keep a reader on edge. XD

Ugh, tag issues!! >.< *flame-broils the tag issues*

JabberHut wrote:It's a little better, but I'm almost worried you're a better writer than me.

Aww, shucks

Umm, the comma example was more confusing than what you were saying about my actual sentence! XD I think I may orginially have put the commas in, but I wasn't sure about that sentence...

Umm, however, the issue about the dragoon (again)-- it's speaking in mindspeak, meaning there would be no guttural growls unless it used its vocal chords to add emphasis to its mindspeak. I hope you get that... =/
O.O Ack! I forgot to do the stupid italics again!!!! *head/desk* *glares at lack-of-time* >_>
Anyway, stay tuned for Chapter 6: Dragon-oath!

Ugh, sorry guys, but I've hit some major writer's block!! I'm introducing a few new characters, so it's a bit of a doozy working in the things that need to be done at the same time (not to mention the fact that some of my characters have decided to disobey my original draft >.< *cough*Vanessa*cough*newcharacters*cough* so I'm a at a bit of a loss as to how to connect them), so--yeah. Working on it! Hopefully I can get it up...soon...*cough*beforethemonthisout*cough*

Sorry for the delay, I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still here. Thank you for your support! *grouphug*

Wow, all these chapters are really good. I love it that people like you can take a classic well known game with an established plot and charcaters and then turn it into your own. I can't really find any issues with any of the chapters that Jabs hasn't already, so let me first say good job. I really enjoyed reading all of this even if it was really long. I had to read all the chapters. Congrats and welcome to the site, even though I'm three weeks late!

-Joel-

shotgun2983 wrote:I love it that people like you can take a classic well known game with an established plot and charcaters and then turn it into your own.

Thank you. The whole series I'm currently writing (seriously, it's a series--I've got at least four more stories to go that follow the initial set I've created here with TWOD!) is really gonna blow your mind if you know anything about Zelda (especially Twilight Princess and Ocarina). I hope you'll hang tight and enjoy the wild ride, though!

shotgun2983 wrote:I really enjoyed reading all of this even if it was really long. I had to read all the chapters.

lol Thanks. ^_^

shotgun2983 wrote:Congrats and welcome to the site, even though I'm three weeks late!

rofl XD
Welcome aboard the S.S. Immortals! (Immortals is actually the working title of the whole series, don't know if I'm going to change it yet or not.)

To everyone else--I finally had a brain blast, so Chapter 6: Dragon-oath is officially under way! (and should be ready within the month.)

EDIT: Oh, and I changed how long Link's imprisoned. It's going to be refered to as '2 months' now instead of 6-7. It's changed in my draft, but I won't be editing it on the site. I'll be posting the full story as an attachment when we get finished, though, so you can peruse all my edits and stuff at your leisure. What do you think?

Wow, four more??? I wish I could write with a constisincy of everyone else on this site. I'm a little caught up with the debate group, which still brings points and is a lot of fun. As for the games themselves, I haven't gotten a chance top play the older ones. I beat The Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker and I just got The Legend Of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass for my nintendo DS. I'm getting into it!

-Joel-

Ok, I finally got the first half of Dragon-oath finished. I'm going to post it for you to enjoy while I slave over the second half. XD I think this chap is going to be the longest...
Anyway, sit back and enjoy Chapter 6 of The Wings of Darkness: Dragon-oath!
***********************
[pre]Chapter 6: Dragon-oath
Vanessa returned from the meeting with the Maku Tree, Mayor Penn, and Zirren drained both physically and emotionally. Her muscles ached from the battle with the dragon and she was overwhelmed with guilt that she had caused the Hero of Time’s capture. She should never had gone off on her own; she realized now that any competent soldier, any soldier with any discipline at all, would have told the commander—Link—where she was going. A knowing, competent soldier would have taken a companion with her to watch her back and aid her in the event of a battle.

Her feelings overwhelmed her so that she could hardly function in daily life for the next week. She quickly became in a habit of waking early and slipping out the side door to take a walk in the woods by Lynna Lake’s shore, letting her emotions wash over her like the tide over the soft sand under her boots. The sky remained calm and gentle in the days after her return from the ill-fated expedition, but it did nothing to lighten the burden she felt settle on her shoulders.

Vanessa had gotten Link into imprisonment—she would get him out, or die trying.
The notion got hold of her as she mulled it over on her walks until it was all she thought about every waking moment. The nightmares that had plagued her sleep for the previous seven days vanished like clouds retreating after a violent storm, and hope returned. The only problem was, she had no idea exactly how she was going to rescue the Hero.

The Maku Tree had suggested that darkness born of evil emanated from the Castle in the north, but Vanessa had no clue what evil might be the cause of it. The girl also had no idea how a single girl might be able to infiltrate the fortress, rescue the Hero, and escape undetected with enough time between the actual escape and discovery to return to Lynna City and raise a sizable resistance force to combat the rising evil. She was going to need help, but she wasn’t sure how to go about acquiring it.

Vanessa found her first source of aid very, very quickly.
The girl was trudging along the bank of Lynna Lake, head tilted back to drink in the unusually-strong autumn sun, when she heard the distinctive, piteous cry of a young animal. Curious, Vanessa turned her steps from the water’s edge toward the tree-line to her right to investigate. She pushed her way through a superficial wall of sapling branches, stepping softly. Following a second, louder cry, the girl stepped into a tiny clearing no bigger than an unusually large space between three gigantic trees and stopped as a glint of bright purple color caught her eye.

‘What in the world…?’ She wondered as she stepped closer—no animal she knew was that scintillating color.
As she reached toward the greenery hiding the creature, it growled and snapped at her outstretched hand. She hastily snatched it back before the sharp fangs could grab hold of her hand and peered closer at the shifted greenery. An amethyst eye glared at her from the depths of the bushes, and the creature continued to growl threateningly. The girl spotted reptilian horns sprouting from the back of what could only be its head.

She gasped as she both realized what the creature was and its mind impacted hers. An intelligence at least as smart as her had brushed her mind—a hundred memories flashed past her mind’s eye, dozens of emotions surged through her. The dragonet was wary of the Hylian, but at the same time curious and—surprisingly—distressed by…something.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, closing her eyes to better see the dragon’s response.

Images of two adult dragons flashed past, their backs turned to the dragonet. Flames licked at a cave entrance; smoke poured in columns into the dragons’ faces. Fear overwhelmed every other sense. A trail of memories flew through her as the two dragons at the cave mouth disappeared into the smoke and fire. The dragonet swallowed rising fear, calling after the other two as she bounded after them. She recoiled from the wall of ash and flames as smoke stung her eyes. Its acrid taint scorched her throat and filled her lungs with a noxious vapor.

The little dragonet wandered aimlessly and blind between raging fires, all sense of direction lost in the soft concealing rain of grey-white ash. Dragon roars and bellows of pain pierced the clouds of smoke, quiet and muffled as if by walls of stone. Fear ruled the smoky landscape.

Finally she stumbled into an unburned portion of the forest that had surrounded her home. The dragonet coughed harshly as clean air purified her smoke-riddled lungs, drawing shaky breaths as she finally managed to take in her surroundings.

She stood in the midst of a small glen, weak sunlight streaming down on her head through the thin haze of smoke and ash floating on a breeze overhead. The trees waved gently, comfortingly over her, calming her frenzied mind.

The fear returned briefly when the breeze suddenly strengthened to a full-force gale. It ripped her weak wings from her side, throwing the dragonet back the way she had come, tumbling snout over paws into a tree. Pain exploded in her mind like falling stars, red on black. Her back ached as the dragonet slumped to the ground, shaking her head to clear it of the pain.

A milky white, inky black circle of unknown substance floated in the center of the glen, swirling gently like clouds in a soft westerly breeze. It hummed softly, mysteriously, drawing her closer in curiosity. Her pain was forgotten in the growing curiosity she had about the thing. The dragonet’s steps took her to within reach of her outstretched neck of it. She sniffed it cautiously, determined it was superficially harmless, and took a step closer to contemplate it as she sat on her haunches before it.

But as she sat, her paw accidentally brushed the shadowy circle. The dragonet squealed as some omnipotent outside force pulled her through the circle and away from the glen.
The next thing she remembered, she was lying in the midst of a similar clearing, sunlight gleaming innocently through the thick canopy above her. She shook her head and felt her body shaking with weakness. Whimpering, she crawled to a nearby bush and lay down under it to rest.

She was awoken by Hylian footsteps breaking twigs as the person walked through the forest—towards her.
Vanessa opened her eyes, staring at what she could see of the small dragon. Sympathy washed through her at the creature’s plight. She thought for a minute, then finally said, “You need someone to take care of you. Will you let me help you?”

Incredulity ran through their minds, stemming from the dragon. Vanessa smiled then realized something with lighting celerity.

She had just found someone to help her rescue Link.
**************************[/pre]

Yay! It's up!! *reads*

Her muscles ached from the battle with the dragon, and she was overwhelmed with guilt that she had caused the Hero of Time’s capture.

She should never [s]had[/s] have gone off on her own; she realized now that any competent soldier, any soldier with any discipline at all, would have told the commander—Link—where she was going.

Her feelings overwhelmed her so that she could hardly function in daily life for the next week.

I'm not sure, but would it read better if it were: Her feelings were so overwhelming, she could hardly function in daily life for the next whole week.

She quickly [s]became[/s] developed [s]in[/s] a habit of waking early and slipping out the side door to take a walk in the woods by Lynna Lake’s shore, letting her emotions wash over her like the tide washed [s]over[/s] the soft sand from under her boots.

Vanessa had gotten Link into imprisonment—she would get him out, or die trying.

I think a period would work better than the big dash.

The only problem was, she had no idea exactly how she was going to rescue the Hero.

I honestly don't know how to format these kind of sentences, so I try to avoid them. There was only one problem: she had no idea how she was going to rescue the Hero.

The girl was trudging along the bank of Lynna Lake, head tilted back to drink in the unusually-strong [no dash required] autumn sun

...toward the tree-line to her right to investigate.

What's a tree-line? Lol, I'd just say a 'line of trees' or something.

She pushed her way through a superficial wall of sapling branches, stepping softly.

Stepping softly...You left us hanging! Lol, I didn't like that much. Stepping softly atop the leaves or the dew-sodden grass (I don't know if the latter's even allowed. Lol)

‘What in the world…?’ She [lowercase ^^] wondered as she stepped closer—no animal she knew was that scintillating color

She gasped as she [s]both[/s] realized what the creature was and its mind impacted hers.

but at the same time curious and—surprisingly—distressed by…something.

Replace the dashes with commas.

The dragonet’s steps took her to within reach of [s]her[/s] its outstretched neck [s]of it[/s].

She was awoken by Hylian footsteps breaking twigs as the person walked through the forest—towards her.

Replace dash with triple dots or nothing at all.

Incredulity ran through their minds, stemming from the dragon.

Lol, I don't even know how to say that word! Try 'disbelief' or something else. It may flow better.

Overall, it was a nice continuation. ^^ I honestly don't remember much and should go back and review.

There's really no other comments 'cause you do such a good job with your writing. I'm highly impressed. Um...yeah, I got nothin'.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

JabberHut wrote:Overall, it was a nice continuation. ^^ I honestly don't remember much and should go back and review.

There's really no other comments 'cause you do such a good job with your writing. I'm highly impressed.
Um...yeah, I got nothin'.

Lol Jabber. I think that's the first time I've seen you flustered!! XD Maybe, since there aren't so many grammatical issues and stuff anymore, you could discuss what you think will happen...especially if there are other people to discuss it with! ^^; XD

JabberHut wrote:Lol, I don't even knowhow to say that word!

It's the verb form of 'incredulous' I believe. And it does mean disbelief.

Gotta go, sorry! I'll add more later. ^^;