I adored this. Hermione was always my favorite character in the books (save for Luna). I recall dressing up as her for one halloween, wig and all.
Anywho, the review. I'm shite with grammar and even worse with spelling so I probably won't be much of a help there. (Thank goodness for spell check!)
I might suggest reading it out loud to make sure everything sounds the way you want it to, and printing it out and taking a red pen to it for disection might help too! It's always good to revise. Writing is rewriting! A story is never finished, it's just due. Haha.
I love the bit where she says "You can wake up any time now Ron!" You can feel the load she had been heaving lift when the relief of Dumbledore arrived but still there's Ron, loveable, Ron, who she now has to hoist up to the hospital wing.
This was great though, keep it up!
Love and stuff,
Rory
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