z

Young Writers Society


No One Would Miss Me ~ Kingdom Hearts



User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1387
Reviews: 11
Tue Nov 10, 2009 1:50 am
Nutmeg says...



Note: /Spoiler Alert for Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days/ I finished Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days and I absolutely adored the game! =] It was such a touching addition to the series and it really gave insight on Organization XIII, as well as Roxas and Xion.

It caught me by surprise when they used this same exact scene again as Roxas was leaving the Organization... I remember this scene in Kingdom Hearts II, but back then it didn't really make as much sense as it does now after playing Days. I always thought this scene held so much emotion and sadness in it. I just had to portray the feelings in it to the best of my ability. (...which still isn't all that good... XDD)

Anyways, please do read it! Thank you so much! =)

- - -

Behind an eternal veil of darkness, shrouded in world of ceaseless night there stood a castle. Impeccable, perfectly monochrome colors enveloped the Castle that Never Was and obscured the sinister intentions behind Organization XIII’s true motives. A heart-shaped moon graced the black sky; its distinct features contradicted the dark like no other. A city surrounded the bleak castle; the neon lights illuminated the empty buildings and cast an eerie glow over the abandoned area. Even the softest footsteps belonging to The Key of Destiny shattered the still air.

The young boy sauntered steadily throughout the World That Never Was and the peaceful wind blowing against his face encouraged the decision he was about to make. Roxas walked in silence, trying his best to ignore the piercing emerald eyes of his best friend penetrating his being.

Axel stood poised coolly against the concrete walls of the building he leaned against, arms folded and his mind focused only on the departure of his dear companion.

The blonde Nobody swallowed harshly and endeavored the feeling of being watched; however, his longing for answers eased the premonition he felt for the future.

Number VIII remained unfazed. He knew his best friend well enough to sense his apprehension. Without the slightest movement, a curious inquiry emitted from his lips, as if testing the boy to see if he was truly, honestly… leaving… without coming back.

“Your mind’s made up?” Axel questioned, his manner composed and collected. Roxas halted in his tracks and resisted the urge to look back.

“Why did the keyblade choose me? I have to know.” Number XIII articulated calmly and freely expressed the wonder evoked by his enigmatic existence. He craved the knowledge of who he really was more than anything; it was devouring his soul. Who – no, just what was he and how did he get here? The Nobody had to know… even if it meant being exterminated in the end. His response was met with the instantaneous answer of his ally.

“You can’t turn on the Organization! You get on their bad side, and they’ll destroy you!” Axel voice rose in an attempt to alter Roxas’s resolution, gripping the cold air with gloved hands as he spoke. He inwardly cursed – it was only he that broke the nonchalant façade he struggled to put up; the powerful feelings he held for his best friend awakened his own earnest outlook of the situation.

The Key of Destiny’s normally, vivid, ocean-blue orbs – the intensely bright cerulean Axel often found himself lost in – dulled immensely and the young boy’s expression seemed to grow bored the moment the Flurry of Dancing Flames pointed out the obvious – the inevitable truth he accepted wholeheartedly ever since he made this decision. He glanced back towards the pyromaniac.

“No one would miss me.” The blonde boy stated with a certain sureness to his voice, though the tiniest gist of his melancholic tone tainted the meaning of his words.

After all, Axel’s unrequited faith in him produced a bond of distorted trust between them. Axel never told him anything – about Xion, about the constant spectacles taking place about Castle Oblivion, about Roxas himself. He merely assumed the blonde’s innocuous yearning for answers would tarnish over time, but he was wrong. Roxas had changed. He was tired of the whispers of forgotten secrets provoking his mind. He was tired of being left in the dark all the time. He was tired of being best friends with a liar. The Nobody froze and immediately snapped out of his reverie. No matter how much pain and perplexity Axel caused him, they would always be best friends until their time was over… and that was the truth.

The boy’s lips tugged into a sad smile in prospect of the surprise awaiting atop Number VIII’s windowsill, nearly grimacing once he imagined the redhead entirely alone upon the clock tower. He would miss the best times of his life alongside Xion and Axel, watching the sunset’s luminous hues of orange and red fade into an iridescent ebony as the silver stars twinkled… the salty-sweet treat of ice cream adorning each friend’s hand, the three becoming so enraptured in chit-chat the remains would carelessly drip onto innocent bystanders below.

It took all Roxas’s willpower to tear himself away from the Flurry of Dancing Flames once and for all, and even then his reluctance was evident. He strode forwards to the path of a fulfilling, roseate future before him, yet the quivering of his fingers was simply unknown to him.

With every step his companion took away from him, Axel’s once passionate, fervent spirits slowly extracted themselves from his being in wisps of sadness. The ringing of the boy’s perception of his own absence sounded over and over again inside his mind: No one would miss me…

He was so wrong.

“That’s not true!” Number VIII mentioned, distinctly hearing the emotion racking through his very own voice. The Nobody only wished everything would just go away and he, Roxas, and Xion could enjoy themselves about Twilight Town like old times. Axel’s fists curled up in resentment; indignation; sorrow; he couldn’t tell anymore.

The fortitude he once possessed abruptly subsided and his pent-up feelings diminished. The young keyblade-wielder’s ambitions were fixed on Sora and nothing could stop him. His balled fists fell to his sides and flamboyant viridian eyes gradually closed, as he intently gazed downwards; dejection filled his voice as he softly spoke… one last time.

“That’s not true… I would,” Axel confessed in silence to the darkness’s serene air.

In the distance, Roxas paused for a second, before the perfectly repetitive echo of his footsteps ensued once more. A single, glimmering tear cascaded from his aquamarine orbs and he shook his head, continuing to walk towards a night of everlasting fate.

- End -

Feel free to comment, critique, review, or simply share any thoughts. I'd also love if someone played the game as well and cared to tell me their thoughts of it. Thank you! C:

Oh, and for anyone who played the game and did not catch this part, the surprise Roxas had for Axel was the WINNER stick he gave him before leaving. ;_;

- Nutmeg =3
"I pray for the day when a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned." - A dear friend of mine ♥

- Nutmeg =3
  





User avatar
21 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 2245
Reviews: 21
Thu Nov 12, 2009 5:17 am
Twilightzoner85 says...



Oh my god... THIS IS AWESOME! YOU COMPLETELY ROCK! I love how intense you make the descriptions, it's completely amazing and also, Kingdom Hearts ROCKS! See you around the site n stuff heh okay bye!! Oh and GREAT JOB!!<3
Oo Ifire where is he I'll get him!! *runs around with a spatula*
  





User avatar
436 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 83309
Reviews: 436
Tue Nov 17, 2009 12:08 pm
AquaMarine says...



Hi there! Here to review as requested. I'd just like to say that I have no idea what Kingdom Hearts is, so I won't be looking at how well your piece correlates to the game.

On with the nitpicks!

Impeccable, perfectly monochrome colors enveloped the Castle that Never Was and obscured the sinister intentions behind Organization XIII’s true motives
.
Well I think (but I might be wrong) that it should be "perfectly monochromed colours". However, I don't think that the perfect part is really needed here, impeccable does the work for you.

The young boy sauntered steadily throughout the World That Never Was and the peaceful wind blowing against his face encouraged the decision he was about to make. Roxas walked in silence, trying his best to ignore the piercing emerald eyes of his best friend penetrating his being.

It feels like you've rushed slightly in this paragraph. I think there should be some sort of transition between him walking through the streets and the last line about his friend which kind of threw me.

Axel stood poised coolly against the concrete walls of the building he leaned against, arms folded and his mind focused only on the departure of his dear companion.

The blonde Nobody swallowed harshly and endeavored the feeling of being watched; however, his longing for answers eased the premonition he felt for the future.

Number VIII remained unfazed. He knew his best friend well enough to sense his apprehension. Without the slightest movement, a curious inquiry emitted from his lips, as if testing the boy to see if he was truly, honestly… leaving… without coming back.

“Your mind’s made up?” Axel questioned, his manner composed and collected. Roxas halted in his tracks and resisted the urge to look back
.

This part confused me. It seems like you've thrown in a few people pretty abruptly. I'm sorry if this is something someone who has played the game would understand straight away, but even then you don't want to hold back on your detail and describing. Really make it your own story.
Unless I've got it wrong again and the names you've said are simply the same two people as before. But in that case you would need to make that clearer because these paragraphs are pretty confusing.

The Key of Destiny’s normally, vivid, ocean-blue orbs

You don't need the first comma.

The boy’s lips tugged into a sad smile in prospect of the surprise awaiting atop Number VIII’s windowsill,

I don't thing you need to say awaiting. Simply "waiting" will do.

watching the sunset’s luminous hues of orange and red fade into an iridescent ebony as the silver stars twinkled… the salty-sweet treat of ice cream adorning each friend’s hand, the three becoming so enraptured in chit-chat the remains would carelessly drip onto innocent bystanders below.

I do really like this paragraph. Some of your descriptions are beautifully thought out and put together. One thing I would question is if iridescent is the best way to describe ebony. To me, iridescent is best used for bright colours, not black.

A single, glimmering tear cascaded from his aquamarine orbs

I'm just using this as an example, but this feels a bit over the top description wise. It can be so much better to describe things simply - imagery is so wonderful in writing but if you use it too much then it just takes away from your story rather than adding to it.

Overall
You've put together a captivating, well written piece which has some wonderful imagery and a good story. However, your writing and plot can get quite confusing at times so you need to make sure that everything is clear for your reader. The main thing that I would point out would be overuse of description, you don't want to just use words because they sound good. And you also don't want to saturate your story with imagery until it doesn't really make much sense anymore.

Anyway, keep up the great writing!

Hope that this helped somewhat, if you have any more questions then feel free to PM me.

~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


Click if you love cookies
  





User avatar
83 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 7538
Reviews: 83
Tue Dec 08, 2009 4:33 pm
Fruits_Basket99Tohru says...



Hi, Nutmeg! Here I am again. :)

Behind an eternal veil of darkness, shrouded in a world of ceaseless night, there stood a castle.
Please add in the bolded word and the bolded comma.

Impeccable, perfectly monochrome colors
You can take out that comma and perfectly all together. The story sounds better that way.

Axel’s fists curled up in resentment;, indignation;, sorrow;
Self-explanatory.

Aw, that's so sad! :( Wait a minute--now I remember who Roxas and Axel are! OK, thank you so much, Nutmeg! Anyway, great story--very moving and heartwarming. Please keep writing!
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

Do you need a review?
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 1729
Reviews: 2
Sun Dec 20, 2009 4:04 am
confused says...



Nice, i liked it. And just like you, i love Kingdom Hearts too!! but no matter how much i love it, i just cant seem to finish it's games! but i haven't finished a game on my own yet, so no surprise. But i liked this story because of the emotion behind it. :elephant:
"She knows just how to hold me
and when her edges soften
her body is my coffin.
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed...
must be the sign on my head
it says, "Oh, love me dead!"
Love me dead!"


~simply confused~
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 1513
Reviews: 4
Thu Dec 31, 2009 1:33 pm
VulpixLover says...



Wow, that was amazing.
I love the games but your descriptions made me feel like I was actually there!
I was close to tears near the end Roxas was crying but great job!
Again, that was amazing. :D
  





User avatar
182 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 37408
Reviews: 182
Thu Dec 31, 2009 5:35 pm
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



Oh, I love the Kingdom Heart series. It may very well be my favorite video game franchise. Who would have known that Square Enix and Disney making a game together would be so great? I haven't played the DS one yet, even though I have a DS. I have one concern in your story though, I don't think Axel would be the kind of guy to curse. Yes, he is a rather gruff and grim looking young fellow. His biker look however can be deceptive, he truly seems like an intelligent person, err Nobody. And, it's been a while since I played Kingdom Hearts 2, but do the Nobody's really have the ability to shed tears?
Glad that you enjoy the franchise to! Which game is your favorite? In my opinion I like the first one the best, the story was so emotional, and dark. I think it's cool how you included the Sea Salt ice cream treat in your story. Hm, is that really what it was called, Sea Salt ice cream? Maybe it has been a while since I played the game. What your story has done is really make me want to play the DS game. I think I will.

-Adrian
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  





User avatar
59 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6502
Reviews: 59
Sun Jan 24, 2010 1:23 pm
TreeHugger12 says...



I think If you've played the game (or have a talkative cousin or brother who does) you'll understand the story. It's a great narration of that scene. So full of emotion. But your descriptions, as stated before, seem over the top. But all in all you did a great job!
Repensum est canicula.

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi!
  








A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown