Young Writers Society

Narrator: Here we are at the Golden Corral where the cast will be eating at the free all you can eat buffet (applause) We have put cameras and bugs all over the dining room so we can catch every little delicous bit of their meal! YEAH!

(5 minutes later - dining room at Golden Corral)

Edward Cullen's Point of view
So we arrive at an abandoned-looking resteraunt in the middle of a ghost town. We are ushered to the table by an over-excited male waiter named Rickardo. He smells so delicous... by the way, What were these people thinking taking me to a resturaunt! I do not eat! Stupid people - oh bother, I forgot to tell you about the rest of the cast! There is some preppy school kid Light Yagami, An obnoxious blonde named Misa Amane, My sister Alice, some very quiet, wild looking guy L(what is his name, anyway?) A little boy named Near who likes to argue with this guy Mello (major chocolate addiction)There is also some guy named Matt whose been playing a very intense game of Zelda on his Nintendo DS. There is some beastly critter whose name is Magical Leopluridan, A girl named Sam who keeps stuffing her face, and Michael Kelso, the most annoying, STUPID being I have yet to meet. We have been together for five minutes, yet nobody has said anything, not even Alice. I believe I should try to talk, but I'm not one to strike a conversation. Finally, it is Sam who breaks the silence
Sam: So(swallows the fried chicken she had been eating) why did you people sign up for this show?
Light: Well, I thought it would be a very cool expierience to be on national television!
Misa: Hmm...(taps her little round chin) Because I wanted to be with Light-kun!
Mello: So I could beat Near at it!
Near: Well, I'm too smart to go to school, and too young to go to college, so I decided to come and be on a random reality show nobody has heard of.
Alice: Well I came so I could do Edwards wardrobe
Misa: (face lights up) You do wardrobe
Alice: Yeps!
Misa: COOL! (the two then become dead to the cast and have a mindless converstation on clothes and shopping and shoes and cosmetics)
Kelso: I came because (flips hair) you never know what kind of hot chicks you'll meet on TV, like, I saw Jessica Simpson on TV once!
[long long pause]
L: Do you still have her picture...?
Kelso: Like hell I do!
Sam: (turns away) It was either here or jail for me
Magical Leopluridan: EEEEERRRRRRRRK! ROOOORK!
Matt: (glances at Magicical Leopluridan) Okay... I'm here because my 360 broke and - HEY! WHO STOLE MY CAKE (camera turns to L)
L: (has it all over his face) Uh, Kira?
Light: (turns to L) No I didn't!
L: (light bulb flashes above head) Youre Kira?!
Light: NO! So, who needs refills! We need more turkey - it's not me it's you! Not the flying tacos!(has a break down. The cast stares at him for a second and ignores him.
Kelso: (checks Misa out) Hey sexay! You have a really cute ass!
Misa: EWW! YOU PERVERT! LIGHT THAT CREEPY GUY CALLED ME SEXY!
Light:(turns to Kelso) You want her? You can have it - she is freaking annoying!
Misa: L-L-Light (face quivers) WAAAAAH!
Matt: Ugh, shut up! I was in the middle of a game!
Misa: YOU SHUT UP (gets up and tries to kick Matt's ass but falls down like a dumb hooker Mello then randomly punches Sam, and then Sam just starts kicking everybody's asses. Alice smells the blood that was rushing out of Light's nose and then tries to suck his blood. Somehow L and Near managed to stay out of it completely)
Narrator: Oh Shit! We cant have a show with a dead cast! STOP!
[Please stang by]

Hi there,

I just want to point out that since you use some language in this piece, you should have a rating of PG-13 on this .


**

Honestly, I think it has some potential to it, but it needs work, and it's a bit confusing.

I know this is fanfiction, but it's like in script form, so I'm going to point out that when writing scripts, playwriters scarcely have a character narrating an event. You should have a NARRATOR take care of that part.

It kind of feels like you were trying too hard to make this amusing. Some parts were indeed hilarious, but they were overridden by nonsensical follow ups .

Also! In writing, do not use full caps in words! It's against the laws of literature. You can use full caps in script writing to show the name like:

CHARACTER: Performs such and such action.

And you can sometimes use full caps to show a title. However! Do not use it freely, especially not to show outbursts/exclamations . They say that punctuation is the body language of your writing, so use it to show what you mean, dear .


Also!

(gets up and tries to kick Matt's ass but falls down like a dumb hooker Mello then randomly punches Sam, and then Sam just starts kicking everybody's asses. Alice smells the blood that was rushing out of Light's nose and then tries to suck his blood. Somehow L and Near managed to stay out of it completely)

Just don't do it. Don't. It's okay to use language in speech and dialogue, or if it's following the thoughts of a narrator, but please, don't use it in staging. It's not liked by writers at all.

Try to keep the same tone you set at the beginning, dear.

[Please stang by]

Did you mean stand?


**

I hope I wasn't too harsh on you, and I hope you can tweak this into a masterpiece. Good luck!

June

Wow I had a charlie horse, because I was laughing so hard!! I loved this, and adding Sam, was pretty good too. I mean no one could start a fight like her. And then having Edward, describe how they were all like, was a good part to add. I think mainly, because he kind of seems like he's all that and a bag of chips. And is way to good for anyone to mess with. And I always thought Light seemed like he had a stick up his butt. You should make him turn into a vampire or something. I hope Misa okay, but overall the best part was the Magical Leopluradon!!! Amazing, this is a work of pure Guinness. I think he would whup all of there butts except Sam, Misa, and Alice!!

Hope you write more.

This story looks like it has a lot of potential!
It's funny, creative, and I love how you put Twilight, That 70's Show, and Death Note in there!
That was pretty awesome!
But yeah, keep on writing, and hope to see more writings from you!

~*+Steph+*~

this is story needs a little tweaking and its a little confusing, but it was pretty funny! but also, sometimes in a story, you shouldn't have a lot of characters since your readers will become confused and wonder who is who. many times in this story, i lost track of the personalities each person had so i say that the less people you have, the more your reader will become personal and warm up to your character and the better your story will be!so keep writing.it was quite entertaining=]=]

It is good and totally the way Edward thinks. My big question is : What is a Magicical Leopluridan or who really is Magicical Leopluridan? Sorry to bother you with that...

I like it(even with the language).