I really enjoyed this part! I agree with the previous comments but here are some more 
when someone knocked on the front door.
I’d maybe instead have something about hearing a knock at the door as you don’t know if it is someone yet (I know it is bound to be but all you know at this point is that there is a knocking sound on the door
) so perhaps something about hearing two sharp raps on the door or something like that. There was no mistaking the Hero of Time; though the boy wore a cloak wrapped around his shoulders to protect him from the sharp autumn chill, Vanessa could see a hint of the green tunic, and the fabled Master Sword’s hilt protruded from the cloak behind his left shoulder.
You use ‘though’ quite soon after this so I’d change one or the other (for instance here it could be ‘despite the cloak wrapped around his shoulders’) I’d maybe miss out ‘from the cloak’ at the end here as well so as to avoid confusion as to whether it is the cloak or the sword hilt protruding and also as I don’t think you really need it
“So- what brings you to our peaceful home?” Vanessa’s mother asked as she retrieved the knitting and sat in her rocker.
I’d like a bit more detail here as to how she says this and how she appears as her initial reaction seemed very shocked. Perhaps a bit more added here to show her being flustered or something like that would add more to the image.
Her knitting slowly fell into her lap, through no fault of the woman’s hands; they were shaking violently.
If they were shaking violently then wouldn’t it be the fault of her hands?
He said cryptically. “What do you say, Vanessa? Up for the challenge?” The boy stuck out a hand as he stood.
I’d add something here to show that he is changing who he is talking to, like something about turning to face her and perhaps changing his tone. I’d also maybe add ‘up’ on the end, although it’s not needed I think it might sound better
He was waiting by a blood-red mare in the miniature courtyard
I’m not sure about saying ‘blood-red’ as that is what I generally associate with a creepy description whereas here it is not supposed to be, maybe ‘deep red’ or ‘rust coloured’ or something like that
They walked down the incline to the mayor’s house in an awkward silence, which persisted until Link knocked on the Mayor’s door.
When you say that they walked down the incline in an awkward silence, that kind of covers the time they would be silent for so the persisted part is still referring to the same time I think (if that made any sense), I’d maybe change ‘which persisted’ to describe the silence more. Perhaps something about them each avoiding the others gaze or coughing every now and then
‘The secretary must be out.’ She thought.
As it’s her thought, I’d maybe put it into italics.
He shot a hard glance at the Hero, as if Link was the reason all this was happening in his peaceful world.
This sounded a bit awkward to me, I think you could rephrase it a bit. Maybe something like ‘He shot a hard glance at the Hero, as if Link was behind all the disruption in his peaceful world.’
The boy said somewhat bitterly, arms crossed. On a lighter note, he turned to the general and said, “Zirren, I don’t need more than five soldiers- preferably mounted. And Vanessa needs a horse.”
I’d maybe add a bit here on perhaps him shaking himself or snapping himself out of his mood, like ‘He gave a sharp shake of his head to clear the glum feeling upon him and turned to the general.’ You could then have ‘he said, on a lighter note.’ after his speech.
Zirren assured, giving Link a mock bow.
‘giving Link a mock bow’ sounded a bit odd to me, I think it could be phrased a bit better- maybe something like ‘bowing mockingly to Link.’
Overall: I like how you have continued, I’m even more curious! You have brought up a couple of hints on secrets and things to be found out later that makes me even more keen to read on
As always, I love the way this is written
I love your use of description but I think you could add more to Vanessa as I haven’t really got an image of what she is like here. I think you could add in some pieces of description surrounding her looks and perhaps how her expression and tone changes throughout the piece. After she has joined Link I haven’t got much of a sense on how she feels about it all, perhaps by showing how she appears more or giving a couple of her thoughts it would become more clear
I would have thought that Vanessa would have more questions surrounding the whole situation, perhaps she could ask a few, or if she is feeling shy maybe you could mention on how she longed to ask more but bit her lip or something like that.
I also think there could be more around the area where Link asks Vanessa to join him. I think she accepts very quickly and I would think there would be more of a reaction from her mother at the prospect of her daughter leaving. I’d maybe add in more on how she takes this- perhaps trying to persuade her to stay or at least telling Link gravely to take care of her or something like that.
Other than that I think this was a brilliant piece
I wish I could add another star but it will only let me give one As usual all my comments are just suggestions and I hope I have helped!
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