Young Writers Society

“Maybe you'd like this,” Ollivander said, his voice the usual scratch of an elder wizard. He took a wand out of its box. “A rune-inscribed mahogany wand. The length is twelve inches long. A core of merfolk hair.”
Tom Riddle snatched the wand and gave it a flick. A foul odor arose from it. “You gave me the wrong wand.” Tom said, annoyed.
“Oh, sorry there, young Tom.” Ollivander said, nervously running his hand through his white hair. This black haired boy was a strange one, he thought. Most students were happy to at least be trying to find their first wand, even most of the shallow Slytherins. “This is a larch wand. It is ten and one-half inches long. This wand's core is phoenix tailfeather.” he said with a sigh.
Tom met the eyes of the salesperson, but then quickly glanced away. “Hopefully,” he started, “this one will be mine.” He gave the wand a flick. Nothing happened. But he then heard a bang.
“Nope, that's not the one for you.” said Ollivander.
“Obviously,” said Tom, rolling his eyes.
“Perhaps this, an oak wand. In length, it is ten inches long. This wand's core is centaur tail hair.” Ollivander hoped with all his heart, that this would be his. He wanted the boy out of here. But before, he just couldn't resist saying, “Your mum had a very similar wand. Oak, centaur tail hair. The only difference, though, was that it was nine inches.”
“My mum?” said Tom Riddle, grabbing the wand.
“I remember every wand I sell.” Ollivander knew stating the fact about Tom's mum was a mistake. “But let's get back to your wand, okay?”
Tom gave the wand a brusque wave while muttering, “Don't talk about my stupid mother, fool.” under his breath. “It isn't mine,” he said after nothing happened.
The wand chooses the wizard, thought Ollivander. But which wand would want to choose someone as unpleasant as Tom? “I have a feeling this might be yours. 13 1/2 inches, yew, phoenix tail feather.”


Tom held the wand. He felt joy, he felt power, he felt the feeling of winning. He knew this was his wand, and he knew he now had the power. “I believe this is mine,” he said coolly.

Hi.

This is a fresh and interesting piece.

I'd begin it earlier, at least with Tom's entrance into the shop and his impression of it, if not before then. As a general note, I'd consider that, in the books, Tom Riddle was very charming, so it's worth considering if he'd have spoken in this manner, which would perhaps have been more appropriate to Malfoy, for example.

Your description of the wands is very good. I'd cut "The length is", as you don't need these words.

I'd look at Ollivander's use of words, such as "Nope", and "Mum". He was so well spoken that I doubt he'd have used language like this.

The incorporation of Rowling-phrases like "I remember every wand I sell" works well.

I like "brusque wave."

I'd take another look at the last paragraph;
"Tom held the wand. He felt joy, he felt power, he felt the feeling of winning. He knew this was his wand, and he knew he now had the power. “I believe this is mine,” he said coolly."
You repeat yourself here, telling is twice that Tom feels powerful and that this is his wand. I'd also change "felt the feeling" as, of course he felt a feeling!

The final thing I'd look at is "said", as you over-use it. Try synonyms for it, and also remember that sometimes you can get away without ie;
e.g;
"Obviously,” said Tom, rolling his eyes." to
"Obviously." Tom rolled his eyes."

I like your idea here and it flows well as a whole. I think you could get longer out of it. Maybe consider things like what the shop looks like, what Tom feels as he enters, whether there's anyone else there. An enjoyable read overall.

Hope this helps, and feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.

Jas

Jas practically said it all, but I'd like to go further in that it would be nice to have some background information even before entering the shop. Maybe you could have some sort of narration or monologue describing Riddle's feelings about going to Hogwarts, excitement about being able to use magic (remember in the sixth book when Dumbledore tells him he's a wizard? He's all..."Like I get a magic wand?! Fo REALZ?").
All this could happen as he's traversing down Diagon Alley.

Jas made a good point in that Riddle really didn't become so noticeably cold until he left Hogwarts...and even afterwards he was still charming when he needed to be. Still, you should definitely keep Ollivander's suspicious feelings towards him. One more thing - when you said Riddle felt "joy" after holding his wand, that struck me as something he really couldn't ever feel. Something similar would work...but not joy. Maybe ecstasy, that could be more evil.

You should definitely continue with this, and if you don't feel like it, you should start another one like it. Anything in Voldemort's perspective is very interesting. :]

I like the fact that you chose to write about harry potter about all that has come out.

Especially as you are concentrating on his deep dark enemy.

Although, prehapse I wouldn't put so much lengths in it drags on the whole idea a little, the description you put in is very good, so expand on that and decrease the amount of wands to chose from.

Describe what is going on around, the senses, and personify things,more imagary needed

other than that a good piece well done

Hi! I like your idea, very creative. I have a few things that I'd like to point out though.

I have a problem with your first paragraph. You say that the wand's core is merfolk hair. The problem is that Ollivander only uses phoenix tail feathers, dragon heartstrings, and unicorn hair for his cores.

Most students were happy to at least be trying to find their first wand, even most of the shallow Slytherins.

The kids don't know which house they're going to be sorted in if they're getting their first wand. Remember that in Harry's first year, he and most of his other classmates didn't even know what the "test" was in order to be sorted.

“This is a larch wand. It is ten and one-half inches long. This wand's core is phoenix tailfeather.” he said with a sigh.

You should have a comma before "he said", for ex: "...tail feather," he said.
The same goes for this:

“Nope, that's not the one for you.” said Ollivander.

I also, unfortunately, have to point out that this whole section is wrong.

But before, he just couldn't resist saying, “Your mum had a very similar wand. Oak, centaur tail hair. The only difference, though, was that it was nine inches.”

The reason for it is because Tom had thought that his father was the wizard. He only found out that his mother was the witch after studying old records at Hogwarts. Tom is much to clever to let a comment like this slip, he would've then known that it was his mother who was the witch and his father who was the muggle.

Also, tail feather is two words.

There're other things I'd like to mention, but it looks like everybody else has already said them. =)
I like your idea, just a little polishing and it'll be great!
-- Miss Ching

Hi, Vivacious! I've come to review your story!

I enjoyed this, I really enjoyed this a lot. But, that's probably because of my obsession with Voldemort. He is a very well developed character and I applaude J.K. bunches for that.

Anyway! Back to the critique!

I have to agree with Jasmine Hart about starting the story off with Tom walking into the shop and his feelings about it, just because I dislike it when a story starts off with someone speeking. Also, I'm probably wrong but does Tom really have sour feelings towards his mother? I don't remember...

This wand's core is phoenix tailfeather.” he said with a sigh.

Here, 'tailfeather' is tail feather.

And that was pretty much the only mistake I found XD

Fantastic insight on Voldie's first wand trip!

--
Summer

Hey!

I love Harry Potter fanfics ad love that you've chosen to write about one of the most interesting characters. I love the idea. I'e never read a young Tom fanfic before.

Although I like your characterisation of Olivander, I do think it was a bit brief. I didn't really feel myself 'in the scene'. Sorry I don't mean to be mean!

You have a great idea and I think that ifyou describe the scene more- how the shop looks, how the characters look, a little more conversation.

Oh! How could I forget-I think you've captured young Tom well! Odd, cold and not a big talker. I like what you've done there!


Keep writing! I'll come back!

That was a nice piece.
It could have been much more detailed. And the way that Olivander spoke didn't seem like how he'd say things. Like when you made him say simple words, doesn't seem right. Olivander is very intelligent and wise.
Though I did like how you made Tom act, he seemed like a classic Voldamort!

How you described the wands were great, each was different. And by bringing up his mother, you added a sort of twist to Tom's personal life. I liked that.

~Vanny