Young Writers Society

Merope Gaunt’s Last Moments

It was snowing heavily that evening on New Year’s Eve. Through the dense sheet of cold hard snowflakes, a silhouette of a woman could be seen approaching the old orphanage. Walking seemed to be hard for her; she was holding her belly, which was indecently quite large, and wobbled dangerously in the wind.
Mrs Cole stared at the strange woman from her seat by the window as she neared closer and closer to her orphanage. Was she planning to come in?
The woman suddenly disappeared from view. Mrs Cole jumped up and pressed her face to the frost covered window to try to get a better idea of what had happened. Apparently the woman had fallen in the snow; Mrs Cole could still see the outline of the woman struggling to get back onto her feet, trying to defy the cold harsh winds of the night. Mrs Cole stared pityingly at the woman debating silently whether or not she should approach the woman and help.
The woman, however, had gotten back onto her feet and was starting up the front steps of the orphanage. She slipped on the black ice that covered the stairs and Mrs Cole’s heart could not stand watching the woman crawl any longer. She seemed to be determined to reach the orphanage, and Mrs Cole was determined to help her.
Mrs Cole unlocked and opened the front door and immediately waves of snow blew in. She tried to ignore it as she waded her way to the woman on the steps and helped carry her in. She placed her, with difficulty, in an armchair that Mrs Cole had previously vacated, where she groaned and closed her eyes.
Here, Mrs Cole could study her more closely. The pale woman was wearing what looked like wet grey rags that were ripping at her belly. Her hair was damaged, dirty, and matted and she had a rather plain face. She also didn’t seem to be much older than Mrs Cole herself.
“I – I am about… to give… birth… I think,” murmured the woman. Mrs Cole was not surprised. This wasn’t the first woman who had walked into the orphanage with a baby on its way.
Mrs Cole shouted for some help as she tried to lift the woman into an empty dormitory. Two other women rushed in to help her. The three of them carried the poor woman to a cot and within an hour later, a small baby, with a few strands of thin black hair and strangely, did not wail.
“Hurrah!” cheered Mrs Cole. “It’s a baby boy!” She handed the baby back to the strange woman. “I think this calls for some gin!” One of the women rushed out the door to grab a few bottles.
The woman opened her eyes (Mrs Cole held back a grimace, for the woman’s eyes stared in opposite directions) and said softly, “T – the… boy… will be… called… Tom Marvolo Riddle.” Then she smiled and closed her eyes.
“Here’s the gin!” exclaimed the lady who had just gone out to get some. She began to pour four glasses. Mrs Cole grabbed hers and downed it in one gulp.
After a while, the woman whispered, without opening her eyes, “Tom… is for his father… Marvolo… is for my father…”
Mrs Cole and the other women exchanged glances. Marvolo?
“Perhaps she came from a circus?” whispered Mrs Cole but fell silent as the woman opened started to speak again.
“I hope… he looks like his papa…” At this, Mrs Cole could not help but agree. The woman wasn’t exactly a sight to behold.
“Yes, of course, dear,” replied Mrs Cole absently, as she poured herself more gin.
After a while, however, Mrs Cole and her two helpers noticed that the woman was more slumped in her cot than was normal. Mrs Cole didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary though. Childbirth could be quite tiring.
The woman who had gone to get the gin, though, was not as relaxed as Mrs Cole.
“She doesn’t look as if she’s sleeping…” she said. She then took the woman’s wrist in her hand and felt around. Her eyes widened and she looked up. “Mrs Cole… I – I cannot find her pulse!”
They all looked at each other, eyes large. Then they noticed the newborn baby, who had nudged his mother’s face, and then finally, at last began to cry.

That was a good fan fiction. I liked all the hard work and emotions put through it. You're good. And Rowling is the best. As a fellow Potter fan, I must tell you I enjoyed your work. Keep it up.
Also, good idea for the fiction!

Hi Miss Ching,
Your story was ok, but it was lacking any real plot. Your characters were kind of shallow, I felt nothing towards them. Other than that here are some things I found that you could work on.

. . . snowflakes, a silhouette of a woman . . .

'the'

he woman crawl any longer.

'struggle' seems more fitting.


. . . in an armchair that Mrs Cole had previously . . .

'the'

'she'

. . . with a few strands of thin black hair and strangely, did not wail.

This sentence reads a little awkwardly, you might want to reword it.

~Zanna

Hey. =) Firstly, let me just say that I probably wouldn't have read this were you not in my group - fanfiction doesn't really float my boat. But it doesn't matter; I'll just treat this as I would anything else, eh?

It was snowing heavily that evening on New Year’s Eve.

Something about this sentence puts me off: "that evening" makes me think of more than one on New Year's Eve, which obviously isn't the case. I would probably say something like, "It was snowing heavily on the evening of New Year's Eve." I just think that it flows better.

Through the dense sheet of cold hard snowflakes, a silhouette of a woman could be seen approaching the old orphanage.

When someone says a sheet of snowflakes, I tend to think of it being on the floor, like a carpet. I think you could find a better description than a "dense sheet" - be more vivid and perhaps use a simile, something a little less generic. What flows down, what's white? "Sheet" is plain, static.

"Cold hard snowflakes" is a little clumsy. I ask, is snow hard, really? I've always thought of it as biting but soft, numbing even. If you're going to use adjectives, you might as well use interesting ones. While snow might not be hard, it's crunchy, or, to avoid using that adjective, you could say that the snow crunched beneath the woman's feet.

I'm rambling, aren't I? Just be careful about the descriptions you use and try to keep them as interesting as possible, as well as relating them to the characters (temperature and feeling does this) - "cold hard" doesn't excite me. "Pellucid snowflakes" might, though. I think the key about descriptions is showing me something in a way I might have done before.

Mrs Cole stared at the strange woman from her seat by the window as she neared closer and closer to her orphanage.

There are so many words and so few commas as well as the misplaced pronouns that this is actually a bit confusing at first glance - you don't want readers to have to keep rereading lines. Here's how I would rephrase it:

"Mrs Cole stared at her (because we know who 'her' must be referring to) from her window seat as the strange woman (because we need the clarification here; we've been introduced to a new character) approached (fewer words) the orphanage."

Hey. =) Firstly, let me just say that I probably wouldn't have read this were you not in my group - fanfiction doesn't really float my boat. But it doesn't matter; I'll just treat this as I would anything else, eh?

It was snowing heavily that evening on New Year’s Eve.

Something about this sentence puts me off: "that evening" makes me think of more than one on New Year's Eve, which obviously isn't the case. I would probably say something like, "It was snowing heavily on the evening of New Year's Eve." I just think that it flows better.

Through the dense sheet of cold hard snowflakes, a silhouette of a woman could be seen approaching the old orphanage.

When someone says a sheet of snowflakes, I tend to think of it being on the floor, like a carpet. I think you could find a better description than a "dense sheet" - be more vivid and perhaps use a simile, something a little less generic. What flows down, what's white? "Sheet" is plain, static.

"Cold hard snowflakes" is a little clumsy. I ask, is snow hard, really? I've always thought of it as biting but soft, numbing even. If you're going to use adjectives, you might as well use interesting ones. While snow might not be hard, it's crunchy, or, to avoid using that adjective, you could say that the snow crunched beneath the woman's feet.

I'm rambling, aren't I? Just be careful about the descriptions you use and try to keep them as interesting as possible, as well as relating them to the characters (temperature and feeling does this) - "cold hard" doesn't excite me. "Pellucid snowflakes" might, though. I think the key about descriptions is showing me something in a way I might have done before.

Mrs Cole stared at the strange woman from her seat by the window as she neared closer and closer to her orphanage.

There are so many words and so few commas as well as the misplaced pronouns that this is actually a bit confusing at first glance - you don't want readers to have to keep rereading lines. Here's how I would rephrase it:

"Mrs Cole stared at her (because we know who 'her' must be referring to) from her window seat as the strange woman (because we need the clarification here; we've been introduced to a new character) approached (fewer words) the orphanage."

It's a simple change, but you need to get your articles/pronouns right to keep up a good flow.

whether or not she should approach the woman and help.

"the woman" = "her"

Hey. =) Firstly, let me just say that I probably wouldn't have read this were you not in my group - fanfiction doesn't really float my boat. But it doesn't matter; I'll just treat this as I would anything else, eh?

It was snowing heavily that evening on New Year’s Eve.

Something about this sentence puts me off: "that evening" makes me think of more than one on New Year's Eve, which obviously isn't the case. I would probably say something like, "It was snowing heavily on the evening of New Year's Eve." I just think that it flows better.

Through the dense sheet of cold hard snowflakes, a silhouette of a woman could be seen approaching the old orphanage.

When someone says a sheet of snowflakes, I tend to think of it being on the floor, like a carpet. I think you could find a better description than a "dense sheet" - be more vivid and perhaps use a simile, something a little less generic. What flows down, what's white? "Sheet" is plain, static.

"Cold hard snowflakes" is a little clumsy. I ask, is snow hard, really? I've always thought of it as biting but soft, numbing even. If you're going to use adjectives, you might as well use interesting ones. While snow might not be hard, it's crunchy, or, to avoid using that adjective, you could say that the snow crunched beneath the woman's feet.

I'm rambling, aren't I? Just be careful about the descriptions you use and try to keep them as interesting as possible, as well as relating them to the characters (temperature and feeling does this) - "cold hard" doesn't excite me. "Pellucid snowflakes" might, though. I think the key about descriptions is showing me something in a way I might have done before.

Mrs Cole stared at the strange woman from her seat by the window as she neared closer and closer to her orphanage.

There are so many words and so few commas as well as the misplaced pronouns that this is actually a bit confusing at first glance - you don't want readers to have to keep rereading lines. Here's how I would rephrase it:

"Mrs Cole stared at her (because we know who 'her' must be referring to) from her window seat as the strange woman (because we need the clarification here; we've been introduced to a new character) approached (fewer words) the orphanage."

It's a simple change, but you need to get your articles/pronouns right to keep up a good flow.

whether or not she should approach the woman and help.

"the woman" = "her"

The woman, however, had gotten back onto her feet and was starting up the front steps of the orphanage. She slipped on the black ice that covered the stairs and Mrs Cole’s heart could not stand watching the woman crawl any longer. She seemed to be determined to reach the orphanage, and Mrs Cole was determined to help her.

This feels so soulless and shallow, almost boring. Mrs Cole really needs a motive, here. Why can't she bear to watch her? What does the woman look like? Maybe she's just slipping all over the place but is actually a fit and healthy person, just with high heels?

I doubt that's the scenario, but to prove it, you'll need to describe what this woman looks like - or rather, that's probably the easiest way. If she's covered in rags, or looks old, or shivering a lot, then Mrs Cole might have more of an urge. I'm not very good with character development, I have to say. But this is a short story and regardless of whether it's fanfiction or not, it needs to be standalone. Characters are the story. This is just a small example in here but bear in mind that it's essential you drop in bits of information about the characters as you go. It's the old "showing versus telling" which is basically all about the reader learning about characters not from what they are but from what they do. A good practice method for that is to avoid the verb "to be". That's actually quite an amateur way of going about it but initially it can develop characters from their reactions and such.

Mrs Cole unlocked and opened the front door and immediately waves of snow blew in.

I don't know. It just feels to me like Mrs Cole was quite far away from the door. I think you should just describe the journey slightly - you know, just say she had run along the corridor or something.

She tried to ignore it as she waded her way to the woman on the steps and helped carry her in.

How could she ignore something so cold? Would it not be a shock?

She also didn’t seem to be much older than Mrs Cole herself.

I'd have thought that someone in rags and dirt would look somewhat older. Just a thought.

“I – I am about… to give… birth… I think,” murmured the woman. Mrs Cole was not surprised. This wasn’t the first woman who had walked into the orphanage with a baby on its way.

Erm, just because one person has done it wouldn't make it somewhat commonplace, would it? I mean, someone once assassinated a president, but it would still be a surprise if someone shot Obama. Is anything different about the situation this time? I think introducing something really striking would get rid of this statement and make it more realistic.

The three of them carried the poor woman to a cot and within an hour later, a small baby, with a few strands of thin black hair and strangely, did not wail.

This doesn't make sense. You're missing an ending to this sentence - a baby that strangely didn't wail, did what?

“Hurrah!” cheered Mrs Cole. “It’s a baby boy!” She handed the baby back to the strange woman. “I think this calls for some gin!” One of the women rushed out the door to grab a few bottles.

SHALLOW. I'm sorry, but a woman doesn't appear in rags at an orphanage, have a baby then tuck into some gin. Also, grab a few bottles? Are these alcoholics or something? What about this woman, anyway? Is Mrs Cole surprised at her reaction? Reactions say an awful lot about a character and tests them in situations. As I said, this is a good way to bring in characters. A well-developed character will change a baby-birth into a baby-birth story. They're in an orphanage. The problem is that we can all guess what is going to happen, and Mrs Cole can't. And it's being told from her viewpoint - this isn't good.

One thing I've noticed that you seem to be doing quite a lot is avoiding "said" too much. Said is a good word. A very good word. It indicates who said it but otherwise, it's an invisible word and doesn't draw attention to itself. If the reader can't work out how something is said in the dialogue itself, then it has to be rephrased, I'd say.

The woman opened her eyes (Mrs Cole held back a grimace, for the woman’s eyes stared in opposite directions) and said softly, “T – the… boy… will be… called… Tom Marvolo Riddle.” Then she smiled and closed her eyes.

“Here’s the gin!” exclaimed the lady who had just gone out to get some. She began to pour four glasses. Mrs Cole grabbed hers and downed it in one gulp.

Okay, so, a sincere moment between a mother and child has been ruined by everyone else just completely ignoring her and turning to the bottle. I mean, really, we could take this further. Why is no one listening to her? Is Mrs Cole angry, happy, depressed? Right now, I have reason to believe she is all three. But I like what you did with the eyes. Creepy.

as the woman [s]opened[/s] started to speak again.

As the woman opened? No. xD But I'm liking Mrs Cole's humour.

All right, so! Through all of that, this was a good piece. Mrs Cole's character was starting develop and I felt a little connection between the main characters. The flow in the story worked well, but of course, these all lack full comprehension. The reason I couldn't connect with anyone was because there was no real drive, no real goal, no real opinions by anyone in this story. I know that this was only a brief fanfiction but it could have led somewhere. I think it was your lack of protagonist that prevented any real plot. I mean, a lot could be done with a good, strong character as I've said before - I think in the space between the birth and the gin might be a good place. Would Mrs Cole be questioning? Would the woman be happy with her child?

In terms of your writing style, it's actually not that bad. I like it, even, but be adventurous! Some imagery would be fantastic in your descriptions. Descriptions set the atmosphere - is it to be grim, happy, dull, scary? Similes are great for character development, too. Narrators, in most stories, are the protagonist - it's this character's viewpoint and however they describe things will in turn describe themselves. I'm rambling. Well, an example would be saying that clouds were "like baby milk". Bad example, but anyway. That might give a motherly sense to the story. If I'm been too vague about anything just let me know. I'd be happy to answer any questions. =)

So! I would love to see the potential in this story really developed. I honestly believe you could do a lot with it. I hope I haven't been too harsh.

See you around!
Blinky