Young Writers Society

So as the title suggest I would like some opinions and tips on how to improve a semi-Important moment from a story I'm co-writing. It's at the beginning so it isn't spoilerish. The book it comes from (yes I'm working on two separate "Novels" At once so it's a bit hectic for me right now) would be rated either 16+ or 18+ this excerpt is kinda 12+ no language but the content discussed may be a bit more than that (not sexual more violent) anyways here it is (heads up it's an extreme rough draft of the scene so it could use some tuning)


"The door shut behind the young woman, the storm for which she had escaped still raging beyond the borders of her apartment. Her arms felt weak, her legs sore, her hair matted to her face small droplets of water still dripping from the ends of her bangs. She wandered into her home, which was meagerly lit by candles due to the power being out. She entered her kitchen and threw her apartment keys on the kitchen table. She noticed quickly the odd lack of sound. She recalled her boyfriend was visiting, maybe he was napping. She stood up walking to the bedroom, the door was shut which in itself was strange as she never had to shut the door and never has. Her feet squelched on the carpet next to the door. "What the-?" She whispered under her breath, she never remembered there being a leak. She slowly turned the knob of the door until she was able to push the door open, a loud creaking sound resonated through the apartment as the door slowly opened. All she managed to do was scream when she saw what laid behind it."


Any ideas on how to improve it would be helpful, Opinions on it are also helpful if anyone one requires additional info for context feel free to ask and thanks for taking the time (also if this is the wrong place to post this I apologize I'm new to the forum)

first thing you should do is give the woman a name. a lot of developing writers seem oddly opposed to naming their characters for some reason (trying to achieve "the everyman" effect, maybe?) and I've never quite understood it. as readers we don't want to read about a character who could literally be anybody. we want someone who stands out, someone who could not be mistaken for anybody else. as a writer you have to think of yourself as a mutual friend introducing us to your main character. and the first thing every mutual friend starts with when introducing someone is their name.

next, go into greater detail with the setting. don't just tell us her home was lit by candles, tell us what type of candles they are. are they scented? are they hand-made out of antique medicine bottles? are they those candles with pictures of saints painted on them that you see at ethnic grocery stores? these details may seem innocuous but they paint a picture of the type of woman "the woman" is and what kind of life she is living? while we're on the subject, what type of home does the woman live in? is it a town-home? a duplex? a log cabin? a studio apartment? is her kitchen full sized or is it a little alleyway separated from the living room by a island counter? is the bathroom close enough to dinner table that visitors bump their elbows its frame every time they stand up? or does the woman have to go on a hiking trip past the servants quarters every time she needs to powder her nose?

next there's the boyfriend. what's his name? what does he look like? is he the same age as the woman? is he in the same profession? does he make more money than the woman does or is he unemployed? is he the type of boyfriend who hides a bouquet of daffodils and a stuffed unicorn in the cupboard above the sink? or is he the type to fall asleep on the sofa with a hand down his pants and a half-drunk bottle of Rolling Rock left conspicuously on the table sans coaster?

notice that with all of these suggestions the underlying theme is specificity? you don't have to give us the entire story right away. just be as specific as possible with the information you give us. be economical with the details.

does that make sense?

Since I wasn't introduced to the conflict, I'll refer to my Fluency Nazi instinct to review. You're off to a great start! Suspenseful, interesting, and your descriptions were neither too elaborate nor blunt. However, the active voice glared at me. "He did this, he did that." How about a bit more "this was done by him, that was done by him?" In other words, passive voice? Reading things aloud may help, as in helping you spot the choppy parts.

I'd also recommend breaking it down to build excitement. Isolating a sentence will emphasize it, make it look shiny and important. And, as Narrator mentioned, elaborating on details will capture the reader. Otherwise, great job!

I have to echo everything that @BadNarrator pointed out. I could not have said it better myself.

BadNarrator has a lot of good points! My biggest suggestion, coming off of those, is just to slow things down. Let some more time pass for the reader between getting in the door and getting to the bedroom. Describe the scene more, use all five sense! Tell us what this character is thinking, feeling, etc. Use all that to build tension that culminates in her opening the door.

They say when films want to create tension they get really loud, but when books create tension they get really really quiet. So get quiet, dig into the details of the scene, and you'll have plenty of tension built up when she gets to opening that door.