Young Writers Society

Well, I decided to try writing a short story based on the results of a random plot generator just to see if I could, and this was the result I got:

Protagonist: Realtor
Antagonist: Asteroid (at which point I was convinced to write this story)
Setting: Cottages by the beach

Now, I've written the first two paragraphs of the story, but before I go further, I'd like your opinions on them. Did they interest you? Bore you? Did you dislike the tone? Was the obvious exaggeration of a stereotype galling, or were you able to ignore it in the spirit of the story?

The last question in particular I'd like answered.

And so, without further ado, I present to you all the first two paragraphs of "Ground Zero."

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The sun shone splendidly the day the asteroid hit. Months before, scientists had tried to warn the public that the space rock would touch down somewhere off the east coast of Florida, but with a presidential election going on, the media simply weren’t interested in syndicating news of the earth’s impending doom.

And so it was that shortly after arriving in office, still riding on the crest of a highly controversial campaign and multiple recounts, the new president received quite the nasty shock. But we aren’t interested in The President; nay, this is the story of one Kayla Lindsey Anderson, Realtor, and how she dealt with the impending threat to her very livelihood.

This might be better if it's written as part of a prologue rather than a first chapter; that's just my opinion. It develops well as a start, so I think if you put it as a prologue that would work to a much better effect that putting it under Chapter 1,,

Otherwise it was fine. A good start. Funny thing, the artist Robert Rich created an album called Below Zero, which is kind of about space. He also has another one called Calling Down the Sky. I recommend you look those albums up; great stuff to write to.

I love this. It's a fantastic beginning.

Only complaint: I'd like more follow-up on the sunniness of the day the asteroid hit, or else for that sentence to be cut. "Months before the story opens, scientists had..." is every bit as nice a first line, really.

I think it's a great start!
I actually like the first line as an opener, quite a lot.

I don't like the "nay" in it though. It doesn't fit with the rest of the writing style, it's too formal.

Thanks for the feedback.

@Krupp - Well, this is intended just as a short, one-shot story.

I don't usually listen to music while writing, but I'll take a look at those albums you suggested.

@Helpful - I don't see why follow up for the sunniness is necessary right at the beginning. The sentence does its job to lead into the story while also setting up the tone, and any more description would clutter up the beginning, I think. It's also much easier to digest than the "scientists trying to warn the public but the media don't cooperate because of the presidential election" sentence.

@siobhan - But "no" just doesn't sound right... XP

It dangled a little, that was all. *shrug* But maybe it's just me. And I tend to have long opening sentences. XD

Well it all depends if you want it to be a story that is about her becoming a total bad ass that protects herself to the end, or a comedic kinda thing? I would do it as a Realtor's struggle to sell homes in spite of the impending doom. Also the election stuff is kinda witty, but maybe start it with no one knowing that the asteroid is going to hit, and that they're all to busy to care.