Young Writers Society

Little Tiny Tim Christmas blesses everyone… Christmas? Maybe fire and the logs, fire and the boiler… Boiler is overheating, boiler steam air gas hot crushed skull… Crushed skull and head no longer father father is that you? Father father danny danny tony and tony again red rum mmmm… delicious and satisfying red rum red rum red rum redrum drumrum redrum MURDER

This is a paragraph from a short piece I am currently writing. This is meant to be a 'train of thought' for a character, and does it seem fine? Please comment and help me on this.

Well... It makes the character seem a bit mentally challenged though, if only because of the lack of cohesive thought, the randomness of the thoughts, the simplicity of the words, and the repetition involved. Just so you know!

Well, my character is feeling rather drowsy and is semi-conscious. If you'd care to actually write down all your thoughts when you're quite drowsy, which is quite a task, it would be random. Very random, repetitive to a certain extent and the lack of cohesive thought is rather realistic to me. Anyway, thanks! I should have provided that little tidbit of information earlier.